Post B7Sa7Vq5BkiI5rajY0 by artemis@dice.camp
(DIR) More posts by artemis@dice.camp
(DIR) Post #B7Sa5gp7NTnba9Grr6 by artemis@dice.camp
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So...My ex-boyfriend lied about his age on OKCupid (said he was 10 years younger than he actually was). We wouldn't have matched at all otherwise, because I set my upper limit to 12 years older than me, & he's 20 years older.At some point after we started dating, he dropped his age into a conversation, & with the way he did it, I was confused & felt embarrassed for having been wrong.There was a lot of bullshit where somehow his dishonesty or boundary-pushing made *me* feel embarrassed.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa5h2wY4rGH1juPA by ska@social.treehouse.systems
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@artemis Oof.It is no comfort to say that you're not alone in this, and that dating sites/apps are full of similar scumbags. But, for better or worse, it is true. I am so sorry you had to deal with this.One day I'll rant about the Tinder fad of having "I'm 42 not 38 but I can't change it in the app!" in your bio 🤡
(DIR) Post #B7Sa5hlxqgs2WenrZw by artemis@dice.camp
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I try not to treat that part of my life like it's shameful, because it's not shameful to be manipulated, but damn I often wince at all the red flag stuff I just allowed in the early days of our dating.It sucks that someone will fuck with your head & push boundaries & then YOU end up carrying feelings of guilt & shame around with you.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa5iCuEWQBsDPNZY by artemis@dice.camp
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At some point I'm going to have to let myself off the hook & accept that at 28 with very little dating experience & just a year out of an abusive marriage, it's actually extremely understandable how I got tangled up in that, & how the sunk cost fallacy sunk in.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa5icmgJ7bATW2uO by artemis@dice.camp
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The George Floyd protests started shortly after we started dating, & while TODAY I would just straight-up dump a guy on the spot for shilling for cops, at the time I could still be talked into some bullshit "agree to disagree" nonsense because frankly I didn't understand a lot of things the way I do now.There was all this little stuff, pushing on the edges of my moral limits, but he just made it seem like I was being silly, & I was very vulnerable to that.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa5j3j48fkW27Yu0 by artemis@dice.camp
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I was a few months officially out of conservative Christianity, having taken several years to piece together the determination to leave, so although my politics on paper were left-leaning I was used to basically violating my conscience to maintain interpersonal relationships.I had to develop the courage & ability to directly address that & stand up for my beliefs in-person in that way.I was in the middle of educating myself by finding people who actually knew their shit & listening to them.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa5jUJTHwJqUYnLM by artemis@dice.camp
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And sometimes you just think "he seems like a nice & reasonable guy. I'm sure we can become more aligned over time. Surely he'll listen to what I have to say & want to understand!"I mean, I was so new to a lot of these beliefs & moral commitments, having had my mind changed by listening to other people. I figured anyone could do that.Fuck. No.But I probably shouldn't hate myself for being naive.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7Np4zb9pER3osC by artemis@dice.camp
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I think I've been overlooking how recently I had gotten the courage to stop participating in a religious organization that I found morally indefensible.I had been vocal for years at that point about social justice, but I had not felt able to follow that through to its logical conclusion (it would likely have happened sooner, but my husband was also religious so leaving church wasn't an option, & then when I left my husband, my church was my support network).
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7OPanqMf3g8ymm by artemis@dice.camp
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I knew what was right. I knew the path I was on, but I was struggling through depression & the aftermath of both an abusive marriage & abusive religion.I wasn't quite there to fully standing on my own 2 feet & saying "these are my moral boundaries. These are my non-negotiables."
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7OuQxB2CbKZbrE by artemis@dice.camp
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But I kept learning & kept growing, & I didn't let him talk me out of doing that, even if he did make it impossible to communicate about those things with him.I did eventually realize that I was going to have to break up with him because he really did hold some positions I felt reprehensible. It was just convenient for me that Spouse showed up at exactly the right moment to help me leave AND transition into a relationship with someone who shares my most deeply-held values (lucky me for real).
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7PMnFjig1HqG3s by artemis@dice.camp
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We can all only ever do our best.I did my best, & it got me here.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7Pp9YIP9RF6uGW by artemis@dice.camp
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Somehow it was him defending guys with Swastika tattoos that got me clarity (this is part of why I will NOT give Graham Platner a pass)I don't fucking care if it's "just to shock people" (uh-huh. Very believable). I told him one of my closest friends is Jewish, & if he was defending people who would deliberately make people like them feel unsafe & threatened around them, then that was a fucking problem.Didn't break up with him on the spot, but the clock was ticking. Only a couple weeks.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7QGRuoEsntshoO by artemis@dice.camp
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It's funny, because I'm pretty sure to this day he blames Spouse for "undermining" him (his words) as though I hadn't realized I could not possibly be in a relationship with this guy any longer.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7Qka6mLGJLylmK by artemis@dice.camp
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Writing about this is so hard because I was already deep in shame over tolerating much of this LONG before we broke up.I was so trapped in guilt. I couldn't speak to people about it & seek their support because I felt so guilty for having tolerated any of it ever.At some point that relationship really was being held together by the shame I felt about being in it.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7RDIO1JJkPPhXE by artemis@dice.camp
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It feels weird to say I felt like I couldn't leave because I was ashamed of what I had tolerated, but there it is.Honestly, it would have been really hard to break up with the guy & tell my friends & family that I broke up with him over things that I had technically known since the beginning.Spouse was his "friend" (sort of), & after I met him, it was he that told me the new information I could use AND provided the safety & support to actually get out.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7Rh4bJ87ElLTwu by artemis@dice.camp
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I can't believe I'm writing about this in this much detail today. I don't think there is anything I carry more shame over than this. I certainly can't think of anything.I guess the floodgates have opened.I wish I had done a lot of things differently. I'll always wish that, but I can't simply live in shame anymore, because that's what trapped me in the first place.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7S9msY6AfomPho by artemis@dice.camp
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If I had attempted to break up with him in person, he would have tried very hard to talk me out of it.It felt like I needed ironclad reasons & absolutely certainty to break up with the guy, because he would try to force me to "defend" my decision.When I did break up with him, it was over text message. People will tell you that you "owe" a partner an in-person break up conversation, but sometimes you just need out.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7SaNHhMk0HDe9A by artemis@dice.camp
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I realized in this instance that I couldn't fully trust he wouldn't become violent or aggressive.After I made the decision to break up with him, I told Spouse that I was "pretty sure that he probably wouldn't do anything extreme," & had the realization that the lack of certainty was all the reason I needed to NOT have that conversation in person, even though a lot of people will tell you it's "the right thing to do."
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7T35YwKnRKeZu4 by artemis@dice.camp
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But yeah, the worst part of that relationship is all the shame I still carry with me.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7TWVnXs0uaQ4lU by artemis@dice.camp
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I think one thing I can say to anyone in a similar situation is that I will always support anyone who makes a choice to move towards living in ways that are consistent with a commitment to equity, justice, & solidarity with their fellow humans.We are apes with anxiety. Sometimes we find ourselves in positions that we know we shouldn't be in. The best thing we can ever do is to try to do better.Don't get trapped in a pit of shame. Move forward. I promise you it's not too late!
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7U1LwsXYSEqhpw by artemis@dice.camp
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One way a manipulative person can isolate you is by pushing your moral boundaries.If they get you to tolerate or ignore things that don't align with your values, they are actually driving a wedge between you & the people in your life most likely to help you get out of a shitty relationship.Those people would probably support you if you went to them & told the truth, but the problem is that in that situation it's incredibly hard to tell them.It's not just pushing boundaries. It's a trap.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7UV8AAMLwamUFc by artemis@dice.camp
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And he WAS isolating me. Fortunately I had some friends who saw through his bullshit but would never have abandoned *me*.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7UyCQ5bzOkNhYm by artemis@dice.camp
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In general, as I learned in my marriage to an abusive alcoholic who had no interest in changing, once you start keeping secrets for your partner to protect their reputation or to avoid people "interfering" in your relationship, it is hard to stop.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7VOQqYayi6eeRs by artemis@dice.camp
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I knew I was starting to get free of my abusive marriage when someone at church asked me where my then-husband was & why he hadn't been to church in weeks, & I just said "you should ask him the next time you see him."The real answer was that he was severely hungover, & I couldn't wake him, so whenever anyone asked me a question like that I felt that I had to lie. It was great to just decide "nope. Not telling lies to cover for this man anymore."
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7Vq5BkiI5rajY0 by artemis@dice.camp
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This thread brought to you by:my therapist asking me yesterday why I feel so afraid to be vulnerable & ask my friends for support when I need it.None of this came up in that conversation, but I'm pretty sure that's what kicked it loose.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7WH1ZaGRRQCFXc by artemis@dice.camp
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The times in my life where I most needed love & support were the times where I felt least able to tell my whole truth.I'm pretty sure I haven't always struggled this much to ask for support, but when I was engaged to my 1st husband, I felt I couldn't tell anyone that at night I often would leave his apartment & just sit in my car & sob.And thus the walls were built.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7WhxxPoamynlXE by artemis@dice.camp
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As I was telling my therapist, it fucking frustrates me that I hold stuff back from the people closest to me, because the person I want to be is authentic & open. The person I want to be shares her truth courageously. She doesn't need to hide, at least not from the people who have *proven* themselves trustworthy.I want to be that person. It's important to me to be that person.It sucks to discover how tightly wrapped up I have become.
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7XFHxWTCSKONTU by artemis@dice.camp
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Texting bestie now like "heeeey. I just want to get a little vulnerable & talk about how difficult it is for me to be vulnerable sometimes."Whee!
(DIR) Post #B7Sa7Xk86r8jzyp0Xw by artemis@dice.camp
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I'm absurdly lucky to have bestie (& her husband & boyfriend) in my life, because people you can grow with emotionally like this are hard to fucking find.Thank goddess for the Blues dance workshop we met at. 😅
(DIR) Post #B7SaIZO8KhxwHpn6Dw by maggiejk@zeroes.ca
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@artemis I feel all this so hard. It wasn’t until my 40s that I fully understood that someone who hates everything about me can pretend to be like me just so he can get something from me. I don’t know how to explain it without making it sound like I would fail the Sally Anne test, but it took me decades of life to realize that people can seem to have the same base values that I do, such as abuse is bad and doing the right thing even when nobody is watching is good, while not believing any of that at all. And I still feel dumb for not realizing it sooner.