Post B6WcUkNZC6353GmXEu by artemis@dice.camp
 (DIR) More posts by artemis@dice.camp
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUidRg5YtdwCBiC by artemis@dice.camp
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       I try to manage people's expectations all day every day.Now that I'm trying to stop doing that, I'm finally realizing the extent of it, & it almost scares me.It also explains why I feel I can't relax unless I am totally alone.
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUircpMu8LupVoW by artemis@dice.camp
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       Last night, I was getting ready to take a shower prior to Sexy Time. I was getting a towel out of the hall closet while my spouse was in the other room.I don't remember what the thing that I was concerned about was, but I realized I was paying attention to the noises I was making, because I didn't want to give x impression when I was really doing y.THAT'S RIDICULOUS, but I do it all the time
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUj8do6W1Cgn6Ku by artemis@dice.camp
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       That's how much I think about my interactions with other people. I literally think about "interactions" that the other person doesn't realize are interactions at all.I am aware when someone may be perceiving some aspect of what I am doing, & I modify my behavior to try to manage expectations.*I* know the other person may hear me & draw a conclusion from what they hear, so I feel compelled to not miscommunicate even indirectly.WHAT? That's how far it goes?
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUjMSyhZftZG8sy by artemis@dice.camp
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       I even think about being overheard while just going about my business? No wonder I am fucking exhausted so much of the time!I always act as though I am being observed & judged for how I do ANYTHING—including getting towels out of the hall closet!This whole "stop people pleasing" effort is revealing things I didn't even know I was doing.
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUjWONnVwOLu4MC by artemis@dice.camp
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       Meanwhile, the whole reason we were having Sexy Time is because I have been people pleasing *less*.When I am thinking "Spouse probably wants to have sex. It's been a few days, & it really makes him feel valued when I prioritize that," I get into a guilt spiral that does not help me feel sexual.If I mind my own goddamn business & don't worry about what he wants, I will think about sex when I'm feeling interested, & then we have sex I'm excited for.
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUji5gIs6ydNPai by artemis@dice.camp
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       Trying to be & do "what he wants" doesn't help.Of course this bit is driven by marriage trauma. My first husband really did want me focused on his wants & desires without reference to my own. He literally told me I could just pretend to be happy, & for him that was just as good as me actually being happy.So being pretty obsessed with "am I doing what my spouse wants?" certainly has a basis in my life experience.
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUjxgkJLfl0fru4 by artemis@dice.camp
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       So my people pleasing didn't come out of nowhere.AuDHD has meant being misunderstood & blamed for & accused of a lot of things since young childhood, & then you add in the specific people who demanded that I provide them with a certain experience of myself & my hypervigilence makes sense.It's not that NO ONE will ever judge & evaluate every little thing that I do—I know some people do because it has happened to me!—but no one who MATTERS to me will do that.
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUkB9wE7kQmycts by artemis@dice.camp
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       The more I unmask & the more I stop trying to anticipate what someone wants or expects from me, the better things are getting in my relationships with others.Again, this only works if the "others" in question are not selfish & abusive. I've experienced what it's like to be very closely connected to people who want to be catered to at all times. It's not a fake fear.But that survival behavior prevents me from deepening other relationships that will thrive on authenticity & trust.
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUkNZC6353GmXEu by artemis@dice.camp
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       I have been much less fussed over managing other people's experience of me in the past few weeks & wouldn't you know it? My spouse's anxiety is down lately, & it looks like it's related.Lately we've been going our separate ways & doing separate activities more often even when we are both home. We're still doing things together, but only when one of us actually HAS something we want to do with the other or when we feel the desire/need to connect.
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUkX8cVhlWxGB9s by artemis@dice.camp
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       In the same period, the frequency (& quality) of the sex we are having has increased.When we tend to our own wants & make our own decisions independently of each other, it would appear that the time we do spend together is more intimate & more earnestly desired.I'm simply not fucking asking him what he wants & doing what I want instead. If he would like my company or has an activity he wants to do with me, he can ask (& I do the same).
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUkjtr3ugAXEN3A by artemis@dice.camp
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       I've been trying to basically dismiss every thought of "what will this person (or people in general) think about what I am doing?" when it arises.This doesn't apply to doing relationship work related to actually connecting with & showing care for someone in ways they need, but if it's just "what will someone feel about something that isn't about them?" I try to tell myself "nope. Stop thinking about it."
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUktpG9qwfJsIWO by artemis@dice.camp
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       I think practice with mindfulness helps with that part.The way I learned to practice mindfulness is not to "clear my mind" per se, but to focus on the moment, & when distracting thoughts arise to simply label them as "thinking" & let them go while returning my focus to the here & now.So I have some practice with noticing my thoughts & telling them "not right now," which is a lot of what I'm doing.
       
 (DIR) Post #B6WcUl4obIdxDP14eO by artemis@dice.camp
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       (The above is my advice for ADHDers trying to practice mindfulness. Sometimes the instruction can be misleading. You don't need a blank mind in which no thoughts ever arise to be practicing mindfulness. You just need to pay attention & refocus when you are distracted. It gets easier over time, but you are NOT failing at mindfulness simply because thoughts keep arising. Noticing the thoughts as they come & letting them pass IS a key piece of the practice of mindfulness.)