Post B2AzQY6B7GiwgHjWVM by MCDuncanLab@mstdn.social
(DIR) More posts by MCDuncanLab@mstdn.social
(DIR) Post #B2An01WGQKi2evWI6q by futurebird@sauropods.win
2026-01-11T10:53:21Z
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I often worry that I'm doing something that annoys people, at work, at home, online, on the bus anywhere... and they are just going to be annoyed but never explain to me what I'm doing that's so annoying.Then, "out of nowhere" someone will blow up at me and be *so mad* when I didn't even know what I was doing wrong. This has, of course, happened a few times before. It's why I don't enjoy talking about people in a negative way when they aren't around. That could be ME. Easily. 1/
(DIR) Post #B2AnKD1NMzv07ghImm by futurebird@sauropods.win
2026-01-11T10:56:59Z
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My unwillingness to talk about other people "behind their back" now makes me worry that I'm not a good friend. I can understand that sometimes we just want to complain and have someone agree that it's a valid complaint. Not "Solve The Problem(tm)" I get that. But, it's really easy to make up a version of a person who doesn't exist if you never talk to them and just talk about them. "Oh she's selfish and makes you cover her classes too much? TELL HER." (for example.)2/2
(DIR) Post #B2AnTyrkqyIT7KrAvI by futurebird@sauropods.win
2026-01-11T10:58:45Z
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@nazokiyoubinbou I think this happens to introverts more, and the less expert your social skills the more it's likely to be you. Do you think that applies? It does for me.My social skills are very ... synthetic, none of it comes easily. I kind of follow the recipes of how to be nice, they do mostly work, but it's very baffling.
(DIR) Post #B2AnhI9KT9YUgkQMM4 by bruce@darkmoon.social
2026-01-11T11:01:07Z
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@futurebird This is all true. But I also try not to get too worked up when I find out others have been talking about me behind my back, provided it's not too outrageously malicious. I figure people do that all the time about everybody and it's not worth worrying over.
(DIR) Post #B2AnupUxn2Nbsnzz3g by futurebird@sauropods.win
2026-01-11T11:03:36Z
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@nazokiyoubinbou In college a group of girls in my year (really good-looking popular kids) decided that I "thought I was better than them" when I was really intimidated by them and apparently talked about this for months before someone brought it up with me "why do you hate Jane, Jill and Julie so much? I think it's awful how you treat them."I was so shocked and sad that I made everything awkward by going right over to them and asking what was going on. And we ended up being friends?????
(DIR) Post #B2AnwfwCJ7twoHcLKq by futurebird@sauropods.win
2026-01-11T11:03:53Z
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@nazokiyoubinbou I'm still confused by all of this.
(DIR) Post #B2Ao3KY2ESyGUwUNVo by futurebird@sauropods.win
2026-01-11T11:05:08Z
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@bruce Sometimes I wish I could be as complex, devious, and imperious as the imaginary person they have decided I am.
(DIR) Post #B2AoD2z8NyLUvJnWKW by bruce@darkmoon.social
2026-01-11T11:06:51Z
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@futurebird "Grovel before me, peons, lest I cast my withering gaze upon you!"
(DIR) Post #B2ArSoYQ6gCSf9VpVw by alexhaist@wandering.shop
2026-01-11T11:43:13Z
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@futurebird I struggle with this one. Sometimes there are people in the community who are just not gonna change a certain type of behavior, and the behavior is annoying but not, y'know, criminal. I can see why people want to complain behind the back of that person; it helps them cope with someone who they want to maintain friendly relations with. Still makes me uncomfortable, though, and I usually don't unless the framing is "how do I better cope with the thing that won't change."
(DIR) Post #B2AsXxzIYoHXK36ZsW by ira@beige.party
2026-01-11T11:55:27Z
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@futurebird yes. and i continually need to re-learn which folks just need someone to listen to their complaints. my natural tendency is to then say: how can we fix this? but (and it still surprises me), this seems to just add another problem to the person’s list? learning learning learning…
(DIR) Post #B2Avl0O7FOLUOTcdma by cavyherd@wandering.shop
2026-01-11T12:31:23Z
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@futurebird @nazokiyoubinbou Some years ago, somebody hipped me to the whole Ask v Guess thing, which explained a •lot• of the communication fails I've experienced. More recently, a friend put me onto "Occult Grammar", which seems possibly even more explanatory. (The meat starts in the 2nd part, but Part 1 has some good framing, incl a link to the original explanation of Ask v Guess.)https://blog.izs.me/2025/11/ogc-1-what-is-occult-grammar/
(DIR) Post #B2Awt0A04ro3xUOeK8 by MCDuncanLab@mstdn.social
2026-01-11T12:44:05Z
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@futurebird That seems odd that they are getting mad at you for not blaming a third person.I wonder if maybe you are complaining and centering it on some failure about you or the general world when the problem is the third person.Maybe they don’t like the complaining and know it can be solved if you focused on the real problem.he
(DIR) Post #B2AyRP7VsqFJAcCYlM by futurebird@sauropods.win
2026-01-11T13:01:32Z
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@MCDuncanLab They aren't getting mad at me. I'm just fretting over if they might be mad... and not telling me. This is a theme. I'm always worried someone is mad about something and not telling me.
(DIR) Post #B2Ayb72hwy6G02aDqq by MCDuncanLab@mstdn.social
2026-01-11T12:46:14Z
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@futurebird I have a recurring tiff like that with my husband over a shared colleague. It’s not that he wants to bond with me over complaining about her, he wants me to stop complaining about the problems she causes (eg putting too much of her work on me)
(DIR) Post #B2Ayb8bU99VqqBrVhI by futurebird@sauropods.win
2026-01-11T13:03:17Z
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@MCDuncanLab I don't know if I understand. Are you saying he's tired of hearing you complain about this person because to him you aren't fixing it?I think I've lost the thread here.
(DIR) Post #B2AybFOctMNzuKtq7s by MCDuncanLab@mstdn.social
2026-01-11T12:55:47Z
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@futurebird This is why I wonder if that’s what is going on with your coworkers because the reaction you describe is so similar.
(DIR) Post #B2AzQY6B7GiwgHjWVM by MCDuncanLab@mstdn.social
2026-01-11T13:12:29Z
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@futurebird I complain about having to teach two different classes in a semester(most of our colleagues teach 2-4 lectures a year) but I tech 4 lectures in two different classes in the same semester often on the same week.The issue is my colleague needs to find someone else to tech other than me in the course she runs. So my complaint about damn I’m teaching too much should really in his mind be a plan to get colleagues to find another instructor.