Post AsBUsoOy43BmqlTZQW by dwildstr@ohai.social
(DIR) More posts by dwildstr@ohai.social
(DIR) Post #As9wxA1q0TVtU2bDUG by futurebird@sauropods.win
2025-03-17T22:29:08Z
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If you are very lonely and wish you had a spouse, and/or a best friend, a lover, and/or craft buddy or even just a pretty good roommate do not assume that you will just naturally bump into such a person. You need to sort out with yourself what it is that you really want from a relationship. Many of the 20-somethings I know who feel crushing loneliness cannot do this.You might not know, that's OK. You might think you want one thing but change your mind. Also OK.
(DIR) Post #As9xIjO3jwi7E8HLFI by futurebird@sauropods.win
2025-03-17T22:33:02Z
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If you just have generalized loneliness you won't be able to narrow down what might work and what might not. You wont even be able to make a plan for looking. Simply being able to say "I really wish I had a wife" vs. "I wish I could get laid more." vs. "I wish I had a roommate who I got along with like a low energy friend." will help you to find people who WANT to be that person for you. Ambiguous loneliness prevents anything from ever happening.
(DIR) Post #As9xrPFua1gYvT0C2a by futurebird@sauropods.win
2025-03-17T22:39:18Z
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I think a lot of the "loneliness epidemic" is overhyped. People have always been lonely. But, also I think people trying to force themselves to look for things they don't really want, or not wanting to admit that what they think they are "supposed" to want... isn't what they want makes this all a lot harder than it needs to be.
(DIR) Post #As9xw5wpnEKgUZJZCq by Cheeseness@mastodon.social
2025-03-17T22:40:03Z
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@futurebird In addition, I think that seeing a relationship as a beginning/a journey rather than a goal/destination is important. Even the most casual relationships need a little effort and attention to maintain them along the way, and not being prepared for that seems to lead a lot of people I've known to not finding the fulfillment they were looking for
(DIR) Post #As9y0bS0bm2vM32u24 by futurebird@sauropods.win
2025-03-17T22:40:58Z
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@Cheeseness Totally and this is much easier when you both want the same thing. When you both have an idea of how it will be and want it to work.
(DIR) Post #As9y4SZNZOx2y7KfCa by Cheeseness@mastodon.social
2025-03-17T22:41:38Z
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@futurebird 100%! Knowing what you want, being open and clear about that, is a critical foundation IMO
(DIR) Post #As9y5VDfChCdTafjsW by rk@mastodon.well.com
2025-03-17T22:41:50Z
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@futurebird Yep. I was “supposed” to want a certain kind of girlfriend (by my own metrics, not society’s), and…woo, I thank God for unanswered prayers. What you think you want and what you actually want might not always be the same thing and it pays to analyze it a bit. And also, if I may also add, don’t go the opposite direction. With online dating it’s become incredibly easy to be super duper picky and that’s not usually a good idea with squishy, fuzzy humans.
(DIR) Post #As9zV92uMnO4BpQsXg by promovicz@chaos.social
2025-03-17T22:57:37Z
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@futurebird For myself, I’d distinguish between “alone” and “lonely”. As a person with an unusual life, I’m rarely understood intuitively. I even get admired sometimes, but that’s tricky for various reasons.I’m pretty sure that “loneliness epidemic” is over-generalized, and maybe used by some people as a distraction from underlying issues?
(DIR) Post #As9zWN0jvkoJn70DiK by PizzaDemon@mastodon.online
2025-03-17T22:57:54Z
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@futurebird https://youtu.be/flFzZoiF5uI&t=3m25s
(DIR) Post #AsA0JFxgvaL67Nt5Gq by MCDuncanLab@mstdn.social
2025-03-17T23:06:42Z
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@futurebird Different opinion. As a postdoc, I knew I was lonely but not sure if I wanted a partner or friends. I resolved a few concrete things—join a hiking club and either hike or do something fun or go to church every Sunday— attend work socials — hang out at coffee shops for at least 30 min on Saturday.I made friends at work met lovers hiking and realized I wanted both. For me the concrete plan really helped even without knowing what I wanted first.
(DIR) Post #AsA1xIf0Phmk1co03M by libramoon@mastodon.social
2025-03-17T23:25:08Z
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@futurebird https://windsongmyths.wordpress.com/2022/05/30/all-the-lonely-people/
(DIR) Post #AsA25lMNappdLt82PQ by futurebird@sauropods.win
2025-03-17T23:26:43Z
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@MCDuncanLab I would never say this can't work. This is kind of the normal advice but some people do all of those things and it just doesn't work. Maybe it's a skills issue with building natural friendships, maybe it just not liking open ended socializing. Like if you can meet people at a coffee house hanging out you have those AP level social skills.
(DIR) Post #AsA2ICEvTqz6C2ZTKi by lienrag@mastodon.tedomum.net
2025-03-17T23:28:47Z
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@futurebird Ever watched this ?https://canard.tube/w/1dNPeJFVimkUEZXMDkKu3R
(DIR) Post #AsA2fcbTcvmAcSHz4S by futurebird@sauropods.win
2025-03-17T23:33:12Z
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@MCDuncanLab On the other hand you did kind of know what you wanted, or at least a list of two possible things.
(DIR) Post #AsA3YcwI52aTaUFkwK by MCDuncanLab@mstdn.social
2025-03-17T23:43:05Z
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@futurebird Oh coffee house and church were a total waste of time Hiking worked because I love hiking and I found ppl with similar likings.Work activities worked because there were a lot of lonely ppl and I found a crew.I just needed concrete activities and then I could evaluate if they were working.As I said different opinions different approaches.
(DIR) Post #AsAC1kkIvwORpZ2uRM by acm_redfox@jawns.club
2025-03-18T01:18:00Z
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@futurebird it is, frustratingly, a trial and error method of discovery!
(DIR) Post #AsBUsoOy43BmqlTZQW by dwildstr@ohai.social
2025-03-18T16:23:59Z
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@futurebird Some of it, particularly for people in their 20s, is the difficulty of transitioning into the "real world". Like, school and college essentially force you into social interaction with a peer group. After you're out of those systems, there's no social mechanism that _makes_ you meet people, and having to spend energy to seek out spaces and activities with peers makes it all harder and less likely to happen.