Post AYPGoI3yaY0HI2edEW by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
(DIR) More posts by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
(DIR) Post #AYO2kpnNdaikEaODtw by ScruffyDux@fosstodon.org
2023-08-03T11:35:48Z
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@actuallyautistic It's so puzzling to me that autistic people are regularly maligned for blunt honesty, and yet also constantly disbelieved.
(DIR) Post #AYO2kqeCTCyIsP6PEO by PatternChaser@mas.to
2023-08-03T13:14:25Z
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@ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic The one thing that all autists seem to share is a deep β emotional, even visceral β commitment to honesty. It's what distinguishes us from allistics, and their trivial, meaningless nastiness in conversation and communication.
(DIR) Post #AYO30aK4vqnYsdC7N2 by benjamincox@writing.exchange
2023-08-03T13:32:38Z
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@PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic I wouldnβt say that makes us better than allistics. If anything, Iβd argue it makes us more vulnerable to being exploited or used. π«€
(DIR) Post #AYO30b6e1He9JFuu4O by PatternChaser@mas.to
2023-08-03T14:27:43Z
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@benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic I didn't say it was better, did I? And yes, we can be exploited in that way, but if the only alternative is NT dishonesty, I'll live with it.
(DIR) Post #AYO30bnXRnxRSHz9vc by benjamincox@writing.exchange
2023-08-03T14:31:17Z
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@PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic I felt the language you used implied it - apologies if I have misunderstood you. π
(DIR) Post #AYO30cT0xb8PWvOHZo by PatternChaser@mas.to
2023-08-03T14:38:12Z
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@benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic π I'm #autistic (#AuDHD, actually). We don't use πππππππππππ, like NTs. We say (only) what we mean, and mean (only) what we say. π
(DIR) Post #AYO30dFa31yzxY74HA by Claire@disabled.social
2023-08-03T14:47:25Z
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@PatternChaser Got a giggle out of picturing myself try to imply something. I "imply" that I like coffee by saying how much I like it and which kinds are my favorite, how I like to drink it, what times of the day I tend to have it, which stores have the best coffee if I have to get coffee out, etc etc. @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYO30dzJJ0YwFNVaYS by UnknownOutrider@mastodon.social
2023-08-04T12:08:40Z
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@ClaireWhen we like something, we infodump. Not to show off our "superior knowledge", but to share our wonder and delight.@PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYO30eo0GX70mbE4ZM by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-04T12:20:51Z
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@UnknownOutrider > When we like something, we infodump. Not to show off our "superior knowledge", but to share our wonder and delightI definitely do this. But I think info-dumping sometimes overlaps with the absolute candour thing. It feels dishonest to me to leave out details people might want or need to know.@Claire @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYO7LSr6I4EdcOqsDY by UnknownOutrider@mastodon.social
2023-08-04T13:09:28Z
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@strypeyWhich brings us back around to masking. For us, joy is in the details & withholding those details - especially if someone needs them for something - or lying about the truth is immoral, wrong, evil. But when we mask, we are lying about ourselves; both acting different from who we really are & withholding info about ourselves. To protect ourselves from injury from the NTs, we give ourselves a moral injury.@Claire @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYO7tchQCIyHzic3BQ by PatternChaser@mas.to
2023-08-04T13:15:37Z
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@strypey @UnknownOutrider @Claire @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic Yes, that too!
(DIR) Post #AYPGoB9OI1Avqo8MCW by benjamincox@writing.exchange
2023-08-03T14:49:45Z
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@Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic I fear I have stirred up a hornetβs nest here without trying! π¬ Iβm really sorry, everyone! π
(DIR) Post #AYPGoBpvjrCdyk2KVU by axnxcamr@mstdn.ca
2023-08-03T15:03:36Z
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@benjamincoxIt's just a very good example of the communication problems Autistics/ND encounter daily when talking to Allistics/NT.NT: "You said X"ND: "No, I litterally said Y"NT: "But you meant X! When people say Y, it means X"ND: "..." @Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPGoCWpANVw7m6aMi by benjamincox@writing.exchange
2023-08-03T15:05:34Z
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@axnxcamr @Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic But I consider myself ND so what does this mean? Am I wrong? Is my self diagnosis inaccurate? π°
(DIR) Post #AYPGoDE4Za6oHuL7mC by Claire@disabled.social
2023-08-03T15:08:11Z
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@benjamincox Not really. It took me a while to get my mask off. I trained myself to try to interpret the world in NT ways. It's like if your native language is Klingon, but you're on Earth in Canada. You're going to try to think like a Canadian. @axnxcamr @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPGoDRBmobIwaTbDk by axnxcamr@mstdn.ca
2023-08-03T15:06:05Z
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@benjamincoxAnd just to be sure, I'm not implying you are NT! π @Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPGoEQA87NDzh0IG8 by benjamincox@writing.exchange
2023-08-03T15:11:47Z
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@Claire @axnxcamr @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic Masking as a concept confuses me - whatβs the difference between living as ND and pretending to be NT? This is all a bit overwhelming at this point in time. Like I say, itβs still something Iβm trying to process.
(DIR) Post #AYPGoFEV6xdiVoYUim by Claire@disabled.social
2023-08-03T15:15:21Z
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@benjamincox One is authentic and the other isn't. It might take time for you to tease out what's your mask. A mask takes effort, is tiring, draining somehow. Most Autists mask from early in life and so it IS really confusing at first. We've never had (or felt like we had) permission to be our authentic selves. To Stim, make noises, be direct af. I started learning by playing with "what regulates me? What Dysregulates me?" @axnxcamr @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPGoFxAQtMukLSALI by axnxcamr@mstdn.ca
2023-08-03T15:25:35Z
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@Claire @benjamincoxLook at how you act daily. Think about what you do because that's how "you should be", and then think of how you would act if you were 100% yourself.The wild Ben.The uninhibited Ben.The unconditionned Ben.The IDGAF Ben.The difference between that unknown Ben and the "normal" Ben, that is your mask.The process of identifying the mask takes a long time, and taking it off even more.@PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPGoGl9R3LpFMq5Fg by benjamincox@writing.exchange
2023-08-03T15:26:53Z
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@axnxcamr @Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic Seems like a long journey ahead of meβ¦ π«€
(DIR) Post #AYPGoHRKuD5xMCZm0O by axnxcamr@mstdn.ca
2023-08-03T15:33:39Z
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@benjamincoxI won't lie (I never do anyway π
), It is.But you should end up with a lot less weight to carry daily.You will eventually decide to keep parts of your mask, to avoid rejection mostly. But you will learn to control when and why you mask, and with whom.It's hard, and long, but it's a very worthwhile process. @Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPGoI3yaY0HI2edEW by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T02:30:13Z
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@axnxcamr> You will eventually decide to keep parts of your mask, to avoid rejection mostly. But you will learn to control when and why you mask, and with whomThis is key. It's like the difference between The Man in the Iron Mask and V for Vendetta. V is a tragic figure, because he chooses never to unmask around others. But that is *his* choice. For me, the character of Evey represents life after learning how to drop the mask.@benjamincox @Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPOjHKqfO0dDZfRIm by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T03:59:00Z
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@UnknownOutriderSo here's an intriguing wrinkle. When another autist's info-dumping gets overwhelming, I find myself torn between two responses. 1) wait patiently for them to stop on their own. 2) Just tell them and ask them to stop. It just occurred to me that #1 is a masking response. When I drop the mask and do #2, the autist is never bothered, in fact they appreciate it. Their goal is not to overwhelm. Narcissists OTOH...@Claire @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPP63vWgWKkIDgfVQ by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T04:03:08Z
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@UnknownOutriderWhich makes me think I need to tell people I feel comfortable unmasking around, to feel free to tell me when my info-dumping gets too much. I reckon this is especially helpful for AuDHDers like me, because we can struggle with the timing cues of back-and-forth conversations anyway. Maybe because it involves a lot of context shifting? @Claire @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPQ2mvlWGwYfKnlsO by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T04:13:45Z
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> the character of Evey represents life after learning how to drop the maskThis is especially true of the comic, which tells a *very* different story to the movie. In the comic, Evey appears to the crowd in V's costume, after his body is consumed by the explosion of Parliament. She is choosing to use the mask, but it's very clear that this choice is liberating her, not constraining her.(1/2)@axnxcamr@benjamincox @Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPQ5Un3QDnXGy1Bce by dbc3@mastodon.world
2023-08-05T04:14:12Z
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@strypey @UnknownOutrider @Claire @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic oWhen my wife interrupts me and says "just get to the point" I want to just turn and leave. A few times I have. She gets irritated. Sometimes I just blurt out thΓ© conclusiowith no explanationn
(DIR) Post #AYPQdtCz8rKyqmY02K by Claire@disabled.social
2023-08-05T04:20:26Z
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@strypey I love this distention. I do this with people. At the doctor's office I might say, "I'm an information sharer so if you need me to stop, please be direct. It's no problem." At home, I say "I'm sharing info" or "I'm upset and I need empathy." Then my husband doesn't have to guess. And he knows with the latter, if he has the spoons, I kinda need to feel heard. @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPQsxgMn3o34NTeVM by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T04:23:11Z
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Evey was treated very poorly by her treatment in the movie script. Replacing her at the end with the crowd in V masks gave us a cool visual, but it totally beheads her character arc. The trial by fire she went though, reliving a fraction of V's origins in his simulated cell, is meant to be paid off when she replaces him. In the movie, all she gets is that heavy-handed rain/fire catharsis on the roof.(2/2)@axnxcamr@benjamincox @Claire @PatternChaser @ScruffyDux
(DIR) Post #AYPSE4Op6yazwBtu4m by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T04:38:11Z
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@dbc3> When my wife interrupts me and says "just get to the point" I want to just turn and leave@Claire's post addresses this better than I could:https://disabled.social/@Claire/110835087849390350@UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPfEfineC315urUhc by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T07:03:58Z
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@dbc3> When my wife interrupts me and says "just get to the point"But maybe it's about the *how*. Channeling my inner Marshall Rosenberg, I'd suggest that someone saying "I'm feeling overwhelmed by all these words, I need a minute to catch up" might land very differently.@Claire @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYPx4rELnj6V4G5b5U by dbc3@mastodon.world
2023-08-05T10:23:50Z
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@strypey @Claire @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic that or equivalent is what i say to her. She will start talking while my attention is elsewhere and the first word I understand is maybe the 5th or 6th. I hear 3 or 4, try to figure out the topic from the blur of sound I heard, & therefore don't get the rest of what shes saying. We always blamed it on my bad hearing, but with my newest aids I hear just fine if i am focused & it is not too fast.
(DIR) Post #AYQI31vRAGcWhCDEie by Claire@disabled.social
2023-08-05T14:15:32Z
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@strypey Love Marshall Rosenberg. I have a feelings and needs list on our fridge to help me be in touch with what's coming up and what I'm needing. One thing we have in our home is headphone time. So if we aren't available for connection, we put headphones in. It helps me ("rules" help me now when my husband is available. And with this basically he has "permission" to not be available, which helps him. @dbc3 @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYQt3JVBVnhlVpvoUi by UnknownOutrider@mastodon.social
2023-08-05T21:13:24Z
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@strypeyIf I'm infodumping, telling me "it's too much" or "give me a moment" is okay. I might be a little disappointed (I want to share my joy!), but I understand that I can be a firehose. & I really don't want to annoy. (I'm trying to share joy, & if that isn't happening, tell me!) But, telling me "I don't care" is crushing. I've misread the situation about your receptiveness to this info & you've invalidated a joy of mine.@Claire @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYR4Tm9IiyfNNuW4Ce by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T23:21:25Z
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@Claire> One thing we have in our home is headphone timeBrilliant. In my last live-in relationship we had "introvert recharge time". If the door was closed, knock and wait, and only if it's mission critical and can't wait.We also talked about and got into a habit of asking each other "can I ask you something" when the other one was focused on something. A "no" was accepted without further interruption.(1/2)@dbc3 @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYR4yL3TVcywKbMfiK by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T23:27:03Z
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@ClaireMy partner at the time - who I'm still friends with - thinks she's probably "inattentive" ADHD. I'm pretty convinced she's AuDHD, like me.(2/3)@dbc3 @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYR589CMRlLwSECLya by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T23:28:49Z
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@ClaireEither way, we both had a tendency to build cathedrals in our head while writing etc. Which would fall to pieces if we were interrupted, even by a simple offer of a cup of tea. Standardizing the "can I ask you something" protocol allowed us to process the request, and give a "no", without context shifting. So our schematic cathedrals could stay intact.If only I could teach the cat to follow this...(3/3)@dbc3 @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYR6A8QMOcfmaQG33Q by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T23:40:18Z
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@UnknownOutrider> telling me "it's too much" or "give me a moment" is okay... But, telling me "I don't care" is crushingThis reminds me of The Four Agreements, particularly "be impeccable with your words". One of my favourite things about hanging out with other autists is that we do this naturally. As @PatternChaser said, we say only what we mean, and mean only what we say. We choose and weight our words with meticulous care.(1/2)@Claire @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYR6VPjnDiwaMeUgy0 by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-05T23:44:04Z
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@UnknownOutrider I doubt I'm the only one in this thread that edits my posts here as thoroughly as I do a blog post. Whereas NTs often seem to use language the way lazy web designers use JavaScript. Picking a pre-assembled bunch of words that are probably close enough to what they mean, and throw it at the problem in the hopes that will make it go away.(2/2)@PatternChaser @Claire @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYR7MgqkKQ5gmi9NsO by melindrea@neurodifferent.me
2023-08-05T23:53:49Z
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@strypey @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @Claire @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic That's something that was *explicitly* used as part of the evaluation of me. "your use of language is precise, exact and almost formal, and you seem to carefully weigh every word" (where this was, I want to note, *not* seen as a negative thing. It was just a thing)
(DIR) Post #AYRAiB1VdeGQJI7cci by ScruffyDux@fosstodon.org
2023-08-06T00:31:19Z
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@strypey As a web dev who can't stand code bloat, I love this analogy.
(DIR) Post #AYRAm0YgUMcd0oSxjk by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-06T00:32:01Z
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@melindrea> I want to note, *not* seen as a negative thing. It was just a thingI love this video about reframing autistic traits as positive (or at least neutral), and exploring what it would sound like if allistic traits were pathologised the way ours often are:https://yewtu.be/watch?v=hr7YFJ8iBL8@UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @Claire @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYRD4q3LyHdlqBuzQG by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-06T00:57:48Z
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@wakame> it takes so much time asking for solutions to his JavaScript problems arising from badly copy&pasting code I'm in two minds about this. There's the old punk who thinks DIY software is revolutionary, and its great that JS and C&P give people an easy way to roll their own.Then there's the software engineer, who thinks it's harmful and highly irresponsible. But he also tells me I don't know nearly enough about programming to get paid to do it. So I'm suspicious of anything he says ; )
(DIR) Post #AYRb50Ka9kGScJaZ0a by Claire@disabled.social
2023-08-06T05:26:47Z
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@strypey lol re the cat!! we **try to do that too. for me at least, the habit of asking permission before I go into something is great. I do it with my child too. But the habit has also helped me learn that a lot of times, I can just tell it's not a good time. and I just text him. I used to make a list but my husband prefers I text him and will look when he is available. @dbc3 @UnknownOutrider @PatternChaser @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYUAUTz2vloWXCJt4a by PatternChaser@mas.to
2023-08-07T11:12:57Z
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@strypey @Claire @dbc3 @UnknownOutrider @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic "Cathedrals in our head ... which would fall to pieces if we were interrupted"Oh, yes! In software, we have long been aware that a 2-minute interruption takes an hour to recover from, to get back to where we were! π
(DIR) Post #AYUHoQPkbtqaw3Gc40 by strypey@mastodon.nzoss.nz
2023-08-07T12:34:57Z
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@PatternChaser > In software, we have long been aware that a 2-minute interruption takes an hour to recover from, to get back to where we were! For ADHDers, try a 2 *second* interruption : PAlthough we both found that "doing tomatoes" together - as we called the Pomodoro Technique - helped a lot. Because it forced us to chunk our work much smaller, so a chapel would do in place of a cathedral.@Claire @dbc3 @UnknownOutrider @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic
(DIR) Post #AYUN9jCATh5L2FtJCK by PatternChaser@mas.to
2023-08-07T13:33:49Z
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@strypey @Claire @dbc3 @UnknownOutrider @benjamincox @ScruffyDux @actuallyautistic I take your point about 2 second interruptions. I was thinking only that most interruptions last longer than 2 sec. Even a 'brief' interruption lasts maybe 2 minutes or so, and that's all I was getting at.I'm #AuDHD, and yes, even 2 seconds can often collapse my mental 'Cathedral'! π