Post AVLge5JbNPpFJn97Pk by isaacs@fosstodon.org
(DIR) More posts by isaacs@fosstodon.org
(DIR) Post #AVLgdlt1c0HF3rZ7qq by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:15:45Z
1 likes, 1 repeats
A common #ActuallyAutistic experience (I've had personally and have heard many others report) is confusion about how to respond to the criticism that someone reporting a problem or complaint doesn't want solutions or advice, they "just want you to listen".Like, if it's a problem, why wouldn't you want it solved? I'm supposed to just sit here and nod and say "gee that sucks for you" while you suffer, and that's supposedly "empathy"?? Witaf?I have some thoughts on this. 🧵
(DIR) Post #AVLgdndr5NKaVOU2U4 by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:21:40Z
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They also don't want to be related with by hearing about a similar experience you've had which shows understanding. And this gets into double bind territory when you go "ok, no solutions, no related experience" and just nod and listen, and they're like "well!!??" (Well what?) "God! It's like you don't even CARE, say SOMETHING, jeez!"
(DIR) Post #AVLgdqVSR3OdODZsJM by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:23:02Z
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A symptom of allistic communication is not saying or interpreting words according to their literal meaning, and instead relying on vibes to convey their message. This is of course imprecise and can even be ableist, but many allistic people are not capable of speaking precisely, especially when in distress, unless they have received specialized training in this skill, and we must accept them at their ability level in this regard.Here's what I think they're usually trying to say.
(DIR) Post #AVLgdsN1VNq1AdeARU by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:25:09Z
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This is based on my own research and personal experience, but I'm not a psychologist or professional researcher or trained therapist, just an autistic guy sharing what I've found to be effective *for me*, when supporting the allistic people I love. YMMV, presented as is, no warrantees including implied warrantee of merchantability or fitness for a specific purpose etc etc.
(DIR) Post #AVLgdu8CxRAwdGjMcy by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:30:36Z
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They DO want an informed, honest reaction to the situation, *perhaps including solutions*, which shows that you are both (a) on their side looking, out for their interests, hold them in high regard, etc, and (b) provides new information that they haven't already considered; but *without* (c) them having to catalog every solution they've tried already, or (d) making them feel stupid for not having already solved it, or (e) implying that they're stupid for not having thought of it (when they have)
(DIR) Post #AVLgdvy08MCQKByEzo by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:34:53Z
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Allistics are VERY sensitive to status threat, especially when in distress, so these last two are big land mines that can cause real harm to both of you and the relationship. A silly example:Ugh, the tv won't turn on!Did you try pushing the power button?Pushing the power button is a good first thing to check! Logical! But, they probably already did that. If so, they'll think that YOU think they didn't think of it (and thus incompetent). And if not, they'll feel foolish for missing it.
(DIR) Post #AVLgdxjtXm6Vp1O0Ho by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:39:08Z
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So, the thing to do in this situation, is to get very curious. Make it your goal not to fix the problem (yet), but rather to hold the entirety of the problem "system" in your mind. Ask a lot of questions to fill in the blanks. "Then what happened?" "Omg, what did she say?" "How did you feel about that?" Pay attention to your own confusion, where the system seems incongruent. "So, wait, I'm confused. If he said he wanted to go, why did he stay home?" That kind of thing.
(DIR) Post #AVLgdzoDqekoF1QUJE by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:43:35Z
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This curious approach gives them permission to continue sharing information. (Allistics tend to need ongoing implicit permission and encouragement to infodump, otherwise it often makes them uncomfortable.)A lot of times, as with rubber ducking a computer problem, just walking them through the incongruencies is enough for them to see the solution, *even if you dont*, and you'll have validated and empowered them. Win.
(DIR) Post #AVLge1e11ZmHvwfMg4 by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:48:40Z
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Through this process, you'll often start to see more clearly which solutions they already tried, and which are likely to be beneficial. Before offering any, ask them what THEY think they should do, and examine those in the same way. This earns the credibility to say "oh, that's not a good idea" or "have you considered XYZ?"Or, if the problem is really tricky, you might see why any solution is ill informed, and be able to suggest what information they need to get unblocked.
(DIR) Post #AVLge3YPvMUJrA3vEG by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T14:51:06Z
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Because most of the time when people "don't want solutions, just want you to listen", what they're saying is "don't just tell me what to do, help me understand". You can't teach understanding by just telling someone the answer, even if it's the right answer. You CAN teach understanding by gaining it yourself, together with them, and showing your process.
(DIR) Post #AVLge5JbNPpFJn97Pk by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T15:02:38Z
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Of course, this also plays into power dynamics. Eg, if it's someone at work reporting a problem, and they're "beneath" you on the corporate food chain, or if they're your kid, etc. And the intersectionality of gender, race, and all the rest. But a confounding factor is that many allistics are so sensitive to status threat, they'll sometimes invent a power dynamic where none exists, which puts them in the disadvantaged position, and respond accordingly.
(DIR) Post #AVLge7Kjs9vJZth3Sq by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T15:09:08Z
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That response may be any of the fight/flight/freeze/fawn reactions to a perceived threat.Fight: jeez I just want you to listen! What's WRONG with you? Why don't you CARE!?Flight: whatever (leaves)Freeze: doesn't want to talk about it, becomes unresponsive and/or changes the subjectFawn: Great idea! I'll try that! Thanks! (later: *doesnt try that*)
(DIR) Post #AVLge94VPU7uy877RI by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T15:11:33Z
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So to be effective and circumvent this reaction, becoming curious instead puts US in the dummy position. It's an implicit acknowledgement that we don't understand, and shows that we're working to gain that understanding. We can teach by learning, even if we don't already know, because what we bring is a detached and curious mindset, and an eagerness to find connections.
(DIR) Post #AVLhBJ3XJEzTUVTNNA by Hyolobrika@berserker.town
2023-05-05T15:30:40Z
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@isaacsWith me, I often see people complaining about their problems but don't know what to say to help and find it difficult to just support them emotionally.
(DIR) Post #AVLhJQk8c2wReIH06q by isaacs@fosstodon.org
2023-05-05T15:32:08Z
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@Hyolobrika me too! But "try to fully and deeply understand the problem" is much more accessible to me.