Post ALxXVedZN20aLP3JvE by pyre35@fosstodon.org
(DIR) More posts by pyre35@fosstodon.org
(DIR) Post #ALxIGmj1WDyJlx3UCe by pyre35@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T16:09:34Z
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knowing that this changes from culture to culture even within the US, im curious for some global perspectives on this. Why is it so hard to just tell someone no if they ask you to coffee or on a date? Why haven't we gotten better at this? it is incredibly difficult to ask someone out, yet there seems to often be no reciprocity from the other side about how difficult that is. "Let me check my schedule", "Oh shoot, I have something that night." Why is it so hard to say no????
(DIR) Post #ALxINyfZVaDSqOs1k8 by pyre35@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T16:10:51Z
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it's not letting someone down easy. It leaves them guessing. Maybe they are just playing hard to get? Maybe they want me to recommend another time? Some people think it hurts the same or less to let them down easy but I don't think it's even close. You cause WAY more emotional turmoil by "letting them down easy"
(DIR) Post #ALxKmuIT6QPuQl4xjU by fullstackthaumaturge@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T16:37:46Z
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@pyre35 I've heard that women are reluctant to give an outright "no" for a couple of reasons:1. socialization to "be nice"2. fear of an outright rejection leading to violence
(DIR) Post #ALxL1cuG2gXUq3m1Fg by fullstackthaumaturge@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T16:40:26Z
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@pyre35 I've heard that a lot of people are reluctant to give an outright "no" for a couple of reasons:1. socialization to "be nice"2. fear of an outright rejection leading to violenceYou might say that you'd never react violently to being turned down, and you're probably right, but the person you're asking out doesn't necessarily know that, and they've got to look out for themselves first and foremost.(rewritten to be gender-neutral)
(DIR) Post #ALxX2tdEXfJQS2BNM8 by pyre35@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T18:55:08Z
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@fullstackthaumaturge within this specific context, #2 does not apply. My point is I don't care what your socialization is. It has to stop. It is way too hard to ask to then be met with half-answers. I refuse to engage with people who play this stupid game. I'm too old for it. If people are concerned about violence, then they have every right to do whatever they need to do to keep themselves safe (within reason). But there is a limit. Can't just claim fear as an excuse
(DIR) Post #ALxX8YD9640DklfzvM by fullstackthaumaturge@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T18:56:09Z
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@pyre35 It's not going to stop. We're just going to have to accept that anything short of "HELL YEAH" is a rejection.
(DIR) Post #ALxXRm0y02Wg4B96Qq by insurgentem@freespeechextremist.com
2022-07-28T18:59:39.166921Z
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@pyre35 Because most of the population is fairly aware of the feelings of others, and they don't want to hurt them. Mostly, because this chunk of the population I'm talking about internalizes the feelings of other people. So, hurting your feelings actually hurts theirs, too. They feel your shame and it feels like they are also now outside of the group.People with a strong sense of their own feelings don't have this problem as much, but those folks are closer to 30% of the population.I was just listening to a lecture from Jordan Peterson, and he posited that "turning someone down" was a form of rudeness. And he's right! Rudeness is the act of hurting the feelings of others.
(DIR) Post #ALxXVedZN20aLP3JvE by pyre35@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T19:00:19Z
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@fullstackthaumaturge I fundamentally reject that. One person is putting in all the effort. The other person gets to play games. No
(DIR) Post #ALxXf6IZtZPMjzjpYm by insurgentem@freespeechextremist.com
2022-07-28T19:02:03.678928Z
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@pyre35 @fullstackthaumaturge Believe it or not, it's not just about you. Clearly, for you it is, but for the rest of the world it's not.When you accept this reality, your perception of it will change. You'll find that you don't have to hate other people because they're incapable of operating at standard, and you'll actually learn to better use their insecurities to get what you want.
(DIR) Post #ALxXhor7CirDVlBmiW by pyre35@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T19:02:32Z
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@insurgentem This is a very short sighted thought. The hurt caused is not the same, like at all. Any normal person is going to go through emotional turmoil with a half-rejection, then ultimately be faced with the same hurt when they either get it or the other person has to spell it out for them. This is in addition to the hurt of the rejection itself.
(DIR) Post #ALxXnR8WIxYTgW0bA0 by pyre35@fosstodon.org
2022-07-28T19:03:32Z
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@insurgentem @fullstackthaumaturge Am I hearing you correctly in thinking I'm only thinking about myself?
(DIR) Post #ALxY3dHmtvWm004Azo by insurgentem@freespeechextremist.com
2022-07-28T19:06:29.695465Z
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@pyre35 So, people who are still maturing frequently assume that the rest of the world thinks like they do. They assume the rest of the world is capable of perceiving the world as they do.And you just insulted me after asking for my honest advice. Dick move.I submit that you don't actually know that "the hurt is caused is not the same," because you don't really know what's going on inside the hearts and minds of other human beings. You'd never really asked, and just walk around assuming that everyone else has the same emotional reactions to the same kinds of things that you do. They don't.You might consider that this thread reads like someone who asks for the opinions of other people simply so he can argue his own.I don't think that's what you intended. I think you typically argue - not to prove you are right, but to find out why the other person might be. I appreciate that, but lack the maturity to pull it off without looking like a jackoff.- a former immature jackoff
(DIR) Post #ALxYN7DzoUGcM3aCnY by insurgentem@freespeechextremist.com
2022-07-28T19:10:00.958503Z
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@pyre35 @fullstackthaumaturge No. I'm saying that you assume other people think like you do. That they are motivated by the same things that motivate you.I'm guessing that you're a highly-intuitive thinker. Intelligent and capable of abstract reasoning.That is your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.Do you frequently feel like you can see a flashing neon sign hanging in the room that details the core of a problem, yet everyone else in the room acts like they can't see the sign?Well, they aren't "purposefully ignoring it". They honestly can't see it. They don't connect dots like you do.You tend to project your way of thinking and perceiving onto other people. And most of those people aren't even capable of perceiving at your level.
(DIR) Post #ALxYVMhm8qiOgORhey by insurgentem@freespeechextremist.com
2022-07-28T19:11:30.415345Z
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@pyre35 @fullstackthaumaturge Or perhaps I've read you wrong and I'm just some asshole with a stupid-fuck opinion. It's whatevs.