Post AGEQPJI9j4ocfWStF2 by categorille@tech.lgbt
(DIR) More posts by categorille@tech.lgbt
(DIR) Post #AGE2kYjp5vaHkv0PMu by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T13:28:35Z
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ok i am in what the cultural narrative i've grown with calls "love" with someone who also is in "love" with me. it's weird. it doesn't feel like it makes our relationship different from what it's been. we just wanna spend a lot of time together. i was kinda down this morning and so was she and suddenly we message each other and we're both cheered up. my rational self tells me it's dangerous to depend on someone to be happy like this and yet it feels so right and i trust her so much.
(DIR) Post #AGE2kZMSmGUbgl5Gb2 by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T13:31:30Z
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like we've known each other for about 6 months now and in the last two weeks our friendship has just gotten very intense to the point that yknow. what i've been happy venting about happened. and we both find this development very weird rationally but also it feels very natural to the both of us. it's so strange. is this what leads people to monogamy? cuz i kinda get it feels like the perfect relationship and yet like it wouldn't be safe to only rely on this. and we aren't. we don't plan to
(DIR) Post #AGE2kZpt0s1pA0qlSS by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T13:33:51Z
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man ok i thought this morning marked the end of this deep change and realisation phase but i guess it's gonna keep going for a while. we've both decided to ride the wave for now and see where it goes while still doing our best to practice honesty and communication in order to avoid hurt. i think we'll be good at it bc we just *get* each other so well. i just hope we can accept it and talk about it if the wave eventually dies down or crashes and leaves us kinda stranded
(DIR) Post #AGE2kaLn6FY6kxmFBg by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T13:35:20Z
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man i'm in for a treat. this is what living feels like? it's awesome but so fuckin scary at the same time. hopefully we can make good use of the distance we acquired from our childhoods and teenage years of being very detached from the world in order to do this right. i just hope that our inexperience in terms of emotions doesn't fuck us up
(DIR) Post #AGE2kaqzEGVEJiN9oO by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T13:47:04Z
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finally opening up to my feelings amd bursting into this "love" thing after 21 years of being hypercritical of everything including the very concepts of "following one's feelings" and "love" is a very weird experience. i hope it offers me the possibility of a balanced and healthy approach to it all
(DIR) Post #AGE2kbHvc63NfGyfo0 by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T13:50:05Z
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now that i'm living, paradoxically though it may seem, i feel like my one compass must be death and the end of things. i feel as if i must live while constantly reminding myself that things will end in order to be able to accept this fact when it ends up realising.
(DIR) Post #AGE2kbmPmkRLBpF1KC by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T13:53:52Z
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someone must've written a book about this shit
(DIR) Post #AGE2kcFq1LyYf50WBc by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T13:59:16Z
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well to be honest contrapoint's probably made a video about it and i prolly just haven't rewatched it recently enough. she just tends to put words on my unphrased feelings and thoughts way too well
(DIR) Post #AGE2kcrlkKJiYikoJE by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T14:05:32Z
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ok like this is a perfect example. i was looking for said contrapoints videos and ended up on a kim petras song and these kinds of lyrics are like. i get you girl. i feel like i could give her my heart to break or whatever. but i'm not gonna give anyone my heart to break. that's not something i want to happen. i feel like there's a healthier version of love. or am i being a fool by trying to oppose the entire history of human art around love that just seems to admit there is no other way?
(DIR) Post #AGE2kdNJr1YQ8ZW0UC by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T14:10:03Z
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then again, my conception of "the entire history of human art around love" is probably very biased by what's culturally valued and there's probably plenty of art and philosophy out there about different, healthier conceptions of love. but i don't wanna do that research i just want those to be the dominating cultural narratives so that everyone can benefit from them through cultural osmosis
(DIR) Post #AGE2kdtDwP4hjWRUDQ by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:07:09Z
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so i talked about all of what's been happening with a flatmate and he brought up something very interesting which is that this relationship and this "love" we're experiencing does not actually fit the dominating cultural narrative of love. it sounds obvious tbh: we're both women and i'm trans, so that's not very culturally dominant by default. but he also brought up the point that the narrative of love is greatly concerned with misunderstanding and relationships where communication doesnt happen
(DIR) Post #AGE2keRFtsITR4MfGC by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:09:23Z
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which is interesting bc we're the opposite of that last point. maybe the reason it feels weird to slap the label of "love" onto this relationship is because we just understand each other so well and we share a bond, a complicity that is not commonly ascribed to the narrative of love relationships. it really just feels like we're very good friends, partners in crimes (and development and discoveries and revelations), soulmates, just.... not this unhealthy version of love that's so often portrayed
(DIR) Post #AGE2ketGDkhMpvT1ua by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:10:40Z
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and i feel like a good part of why it feels so right to describe myself as a lesbian given the recent and current events is that i feel like this kind of intimate bond wouldn't be possible with a man. it just doesn't seem like a thing that could happen in my mind. and this bond is the most important thing in the relationship, it's what makes it so special.
(DIR) Post #AGE2kfLyUzfQGytxfU by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:12:14Z
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also i've already felt this bond in the past, of meeting people (always women or trans people) with whom i shared something very profound, like we came from the same place despite the specificities of our upbringings and we also were in the same phase of moving towards another version of ourselves, and sticking together just catalysed this process of evolution and made the relationship so fusional and intense
(DIR) Post #AGE2kfxuDy0aAceFn6 by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:14:17Z
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but at the time (i.e. ~3 years ago) it would've been completely impossible to consider a relationship this affectionate because i was simply unable to invest myself in the world. i needed to remain detached to protect myself, and i wouldn't have been able to invest myself even if i had known that it would have made life so much more worth living and fulfilling and intense. and now that i'm out, that i'm more comfortable, that i'm in touch with my attraction thanks to hrt, it's possible
(DIR) Post #AGE2kgPYZA7tYNaKtE by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:16:25Z
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i'm finally able to realise these relationships to their fullest, and this is kind of why i've been talking of like being a "being of love", like it really feels like because i am invested in the world i just want to share love with the people around me that are dearest to me, that have helped me realise myself, and whom i am so thankful for
(DIR) Post #AGE2kgrYt2WmxEghXc by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:17:50Z
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and yeah hence the spiritual dimension of all this. this self-realisation and accomplishment feels like i'm fulfilling some kind of destiny but also not in a restrictive sense, just in the sense of the ideal path of human life that i wish everyone had access for, that consists of realising oneself entirely and living life intensely and experiencing a wide range of feelings and emotions and sensations. and loving people and being loved.
(DIR) Post #AGE2khT8dKaMpmGi6y by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:19:10Z
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and hence the sense of gratefulness for living in social and material conditions that allow me to realise myself in this way, and for having met some people by chance that have turned out to be so important, and to just be surrounded by a network of incredible individuals that have supported me through all hardships and that i can share moments of pure joy and sadness and love and yearning and every other emotion with.
(DIR) Post #AGE2khzOhOOERpMTOS by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-04T21:20:49Z
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i feel like i truly understand now what i want to fight for politically, and why i would fight for it (though right now i'm focusing on myself and do not want to invest my self in politics at all). i want everyone to have the chance to realise themselves in the way i'm able to do it and the gratefulness reminds me that for that to be possible, a baseline of material conditions must be granted to all, and more if possible and according to needs and wants. this grounds me in a political project.
(DIR) Post #AGE2kiSSxJdrtyxghc by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-05T21:48:02Z
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ok i need to update this thread. it greatly pains me (not) to admit this but we are madly in love. i would give her my heart to break. i'm not even critical of that kim petras song anymore. i don't want to resist this. i just want to entirely give into it. they were right.
(DIR) Post #AGE2kizQyk0tYEO15c by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-05T21:49:05Z
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we've both lost all that was left of our critical, detached and judgemental brain. it's all feelings. all in the moment. this is horrible but i love it so much. i have never known this much happiness
(DIR) Post #AGE2kjUz5RFb859DGa by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-05T21:53:13Z
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we're so cheesy and yet we're not ashamed. we ended up telling each other that yeah we're girlfriends in a public transportation ride as if it was just a terminology issue and then we started feeling very strongly about it and yearned to hold hands and did that during the rest of the ride and then stepped out and took off our masks and wildly kissed for like 2 minutes under a tree in an alleyway as the sun was sending out its last light for the day. this is- aaaaaaaa
(DIR) Post #AGE2kjy3LMVEaEkQZk by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-05T21:54:25Z
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this is so intense and it's perfect and she's perfect and apparently i'm perfect and we don't really see a point in considering our relationship open anymore bc we just don't need anything else. it's so weird
(DIR) Post #AGE2kkTFTNSM8zLLCS by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T04:34:56Z
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not me waking up at 4am and realising the meaning of a-ha's Take On Me and crying really hard and being so happy to have her in my life and yearning to see her as soon as possible. love is wild
(DIR) Post #AGE2kl3PIwNbx8GDYm by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T04:37:17Z
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likeNeedless to sayI'm odds and ends but i'll be stumbling away(1)Slowly learning that life is okSay after me(2)It's no better to be safe than sorryTake me onTake on me(3)I'll be gone in a day or two*
(DIR) Post #AGE2kled4Y9boZfwZs by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T04:42:24Z
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(1) having feelings and being emotionally invested in the world is ok. if you're able to not remain detached in order to protect yourself, then give into life.(2) live out your feelings as they are coming. trying to prevent all harm and sorrow may ultimately also prevent you from enjoying the present.(3) but still, know that this will end some day, and that this is ok. just live fully now that it is possible and spend beautiful moments with the people you love.fuuuuck
(DIR) Post #AGE2kmAt8bxTQclhrM by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T04:43:57Z
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and there's alsoToday's another day to find youShying awayI'll be coming for your love oklike aaahh
(DIR) Post #AGE2kmgRFJCB0TWu2K by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T04:46:16Z
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and yeah of course the part about yknow trying to prevent harm and stuff. It's important to remain aware of the finiteness of things imo. Of the fact that everything you live will ultimately have an end. But it's unhealthy to obsess over it. And also, it's probably good to share that certitude and the feelings of sorrow it necessarily brings up with the people you love in order to not be left alone with those feelings and obsess over them on your own.
(DIR) Post #AGE2knGb4s7QocRmOe by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T04:48:51Z
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I think that would be a big part of preventing harm and also I think sharing a bit of that sorrow while the love is super intense and fusional is probably a good way of living out the happiness of love even more strongly. My hope is that being aware of the end of things, if done in a healthy way, makes you more honest with yourself and others and helps you follow the path that's best for yourself and others
(DIR) Post #AGE2knmVAFdiPZNG7s by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T04:58:46Z
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also, thank god for the existence of sufjan stevens
(DIR) Post #AGE2koHLJaJFxDntCK by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T05:04:23Z
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i've cried so much in the last two weeks, and even more in the last five days, feeling so happy about what is happening to me. the tears are most often caused by reminders that all things have an end, but they don't make me feel bad. i will often cry and smile at the same time and feel so thankful and want to see all of the people who matter most to me and tell them how much they matter and how much better they have made my life and how i love seeing them blossom around me and- i'm crying again
(DIR) Post #AGE2komXRbGNVyOnp2 by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T05:07:10Z
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god life is so good. i feel so at home. i will forever remember this time as the time i truly came down into the world and was born and started experiencing all of the feelings and complexities of life. i am so grateful
(DIR) Post #AGE2kpIRWymf6vKHYG by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T06:42:29Z
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i just had the anxious realisation that life won't always be just us on holiday not having any day-to-day hardships to deal with. like the next semester will come up. we'll have our deadlines, our anxieties, all this sfuff to deal with. initially this terrified me but i am slowly understanding that this is also what this kind of relationship is about. there's richness in facing these hardships together, and they won't necessarily separate us like i first feared. we can be there for each other.
(DIR) Post #AGE2kpknpXT8Wsavku by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T06:46:54Z
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it does sadden me to realise that this bubble of pure joy we have right now is not what our entire relationship is going to be. but to be honest, we've dealed with shit together in the past already before we realised we were in love, and being together has always made hardships easier to confront. and we can still have our little bubbles of joy here and there. we don't have to give up this little world of our own entirely as soon as life throws stuff at us again.
(DIR) Post #AGE2kqHlqxqAB81G8u by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T06:49:08Z
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alright now i really need to sleep for a few hours. i've been awake and working this shit out since 4am and it's almost 8am. just a few hours so that i feel like a new day has started
(DIR) Post #AGE2kqmG1cE7hgHbf6 by urusan@fosstodon.org
2022-02-07T06:52:59Z
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@categorille Being truly in love is great. Enjoy it.
(DIR) Post #AGEQPJI9j4ocfWStF2 by categorille@tech.lgbt
2022-02-07T11:18:12Z
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@urusan thank you <3