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                                        -65-
       
       
       A PRIMER FOR ERISIAN EVANGELISTS
                           by Lord Omar
       
       THE SOCRATIC APPROACH is most successful when confronting the 
       ignorant.  The "socratic approach" is what you call starting an 
       argument by asking questions.  You approach the innocent and simply 
       ask, "Did you know that God's name is ERIS, and that He is a girl?"  
       If he answers "Yes," then he is probably a fellow Erisian and so you 
       can forget it.  If he says "No," then quickly proceed to:
       
           THE BLIND ASSERTION and say, "Well, He _is_ a girl, and His name 
       is ERIS!"  Shrewdly observe if the subject is convinced.  If he is, 
       swear him into the Legion of Dynamic Discord before he changes his 
       mind.  If he does not appear convinced, then proceed to: 
       
           THE FAITH BIT:  "But you must have faith!  All is lost without 
       faith!  I sure feel sorry for you if you don't have faith."  And then 
       add:
       
           THE ARGUMENT BY FEAR and in an ominous voice ask, "Do you know 
       what happens to those who deny Goddess?"  If he hesitates, don't tell 
       him that he will surely be reincarnated as a precious Mao Button and 
       distributed to the poor in the Region of Thud (which would be a mean 
       thing to say), just shake your head sadly, and, while wiping a tear 
       from your eye, go to:
       
           THE FIRST CLAUSE PLOY wherein you point to all of the discord and 
       confusion in the world and exclaim, "Well, who the hell do you think 
       did all of this, wise guy?"  If he says, "Nobody, just impersonal 
       forces," then quickly respond with:
       
           THE ARGUMENT BY SEMANTICAL GYMNASTICS and say that he is 
       absolutely right, and that those impersonal forces are female and that 
       Her name is ERIS.  If he, wonder of wonders, still remain obstinate, 
       then finally resort to:
       
           THE FIGURATIVE SYMBOLISM DODGE and confide that sophisticated 
       people like himself recognize that Eris is a Figurative Symbol for an 
       Ineffable Metaphysical Reality and that The Erisian Movement is really 
       more like a poem than like a science and that he is liable to be 
       turned into a precious Mao Button and distributed to the poor in The 
       Region of Thud if he does not get hip.  Then put him on your mailing 
       list.