Post B60J1e0XgiY0hphhvE by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
(DIR) More posts by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
(DIR) Post #B5V8KOqd9c6NnK3D8K by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"Chug, chug, chug. Puff, puff, puff. Ding-dong, ding-dong. The little train rumbled over the tracks," you giggle to yourself as you pull away from the station. It's official. You're on vacation.You've never traveled by rail before and are buzzing with the romance of it all. The ambiance may not exactly be giving Orient Express, but you've got a roomette, a view, and you don't have to drive. Budget luxury!The scenery is still too familiar to be interesting. You decide to explore the train.
(DIR) Post #B5V8KP46LWsST6Ly88 by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider food before the good options run oot
(DIR) Post #B5XNs3NdMdBQgiufq4 by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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Dull scenery aside, you go to the Observation Car, hoping for better views down the line. Besides, everything looks cool from panoramic windows.You pass loading docks, parking garages, and the recycling center, seeing old graffiti from a new perspective. City gives way to suburbs, the airport, the warehouse ring, and finally nature.Probably. You fell asleep just past the outlet mall and woke up in a tunnel.The train exits into sunlight, mountains in the distance, and approaches a station.
(DIR) Post #B5bR2n1vZQxzewPXOK by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You decide to stretch your legs and check out the station. It might help you wake up.You pass a queue of new passengers, all eccentrically dressed. Maybe there's a music festival down the line.You look around for some brochures to take and ignore while scrolling your phone. A man in the corner juggles souvenir pens.With time to kill, you consider your options. You'll be on the train long enough. You should soak up some local color. Or flavor. Or 30 minutes worth of something local-ish.
(DIR) Post #B5bR2nL4QGHMcJMpEG by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You walk to the far wall of the station and wipe the dust off the display case with your sleeve.Inside is a cavalcade of yellowing newspaper clippings, sepia-tone photos, and other similarly tinged memorabilia. The station, you deduce, was a popular stop for circus trains back in the era that was a thing. Suspenders and bloomers and lots of straw hats. Very Ken Burns.You've never been to a circus, except the bendy-people ones in Vegas. Still, it's evocative.The train signals time to board.
(DIR) Post #B5hbxGEaLGf6wPenoG by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You squeeze into the crowded Lounge Car. It seems like every new passenger has gathered there. It's raucous and lively, full of wild laughter.You claim the last empty seat. The person to your left has rainbow hair. The person to your right is clutching a rubber chicken.At the bar, bottles are juggled indiscriminately. Endless colorful handkerchiefs fly about. Balloon animals happen. There is honking.They're not music festival hipsters. No. Clowns. The lounge has become an actual clown car.
(DIR) Post #B5hbxGnKG6S2g9uXxY by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You squee internally. It's every birthday party of your childhood rolled into one. You giggle like a sugar-coated 5-year-old. You're hanging with clowns!You turn to Rainbow Hair and start to ask, "Can you..."She shuts you down with a snarl. "Off duty," she growls and squirts you in the face with her plastic lapel flower.You turn to Rubber Chicken Guy and smile. "What's his name?""It's a rubber chicken, pal." He gives you a withering look, then starts doing card tricks.You need a drink.
(DIR) Post #B5hbxH2vK6vbSXD0Gu by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You approach the bartender, who doesn't appear to be a clown."Seltzer with..."You're immediately smacked in the face with a jet of fizzy water from an old-school seltzer bottle.You should've seen it coming. That's on you -- along with a half-liter of water. The bartender grins. You dry off with a handful of cocktail napkins.After two more drenchings, you manage a vodka soda and return to your seat.A poker game starts up in the corner. A tall clown announces karaoke. Beer pong happens.
(DIR) Post #B5hbxHJwIqXUJJAanI by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider what is “an old-school seltzer bottle”?I could only find that “seltzer” apparently means water with H₂CO₃, but that’s it. It gets very american(?) here.
(DIR) Post #B5hc1iAuOviQkw3lOi by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider oooh, Karaoke! singing is always fun, especially in groups
(DIR) Post #B5hduAEQP2WfMdEWGW by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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@mirabilos It's this. https://www.ebay.com/itm/297694245753?chn=ps&mkevt=1&mkcid=28&google_free_listing_action=view_itemIt's basically an early version of a Soda Stream. Clowns used to use them in gags to spray carbonated water. Yes, I'm painfully American.
(DIR) Post #B5hduAV5P5qyCJ1pEe by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider ah ok
(DIR) Post #B5nqC9IuxG2u69R83k by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You nurse your drink and watch the Lounge Car evolve into a three-ring circus. You witness so many clown-themed songs, performed so flashily.Rainbow Hair gets up to sing, and a hobo sits down next to you, replete with patchwork pants and bindle on a stick."Nice shoes," he says. You aren't sure how to take it."Thanks?""Traveling for work?" he asks. You shake your head."You?" you ask and immediately feel weird about it."More like a retreat. Have you heard the teachings of Guru Bozo?"
(DIR) Post #B5nqC9dphUmB91Dpey by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"Say more," you answer earnestly. Hobo Clown doesn't miss a beat."Guru Bozo teaches that the only sane response to the absurdity of life is to play the Fool. In kingly courts of yore, it was often only the Fool who dared speak truth to power. In the Tarot, the Fool..."You sip your drink and nod. Hobo Clown has a nice voice. You suspect theater training."... continuing unbroken, even today," he concludes. "There's a study group in the dining car, if you're interested."Your drink is empty.
(DIR) Post #B5nqC9sio8gZtCBiro by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"What're you drinking?" you ask Hobo Clown."Vesper martini" was not the answer you expected.You squeeze through the clowns to the bar and receive only one faceful of seltzer this time. Praise Bozo.As you thread your way back, trying not to baptize yourself in vodka, you're stopped by -- dear god -- a mime."Hey, pal," he says in a heavy Brooklyn accent. "Little advice -- watch out for those Bozo bozos. Real cult stuff.""OK.""If you want true enlightenment, check out us Krustifarians."
(DIR) Post #B5nqCA6txQ1obAp2y8 by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider oh c’mon, let’s sing
(DIR) Post #B5s1qD9Pwq7Jjx8dUG by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"I'm just here for drinks and chaos," you explain to the mime."Gotcha," he winks. "Caboose. Tell 'em Vinny sent ya.""Um, cool. Thanks." You squeeze past him awkwardly."That way," he yells after you, indicating the far door. You nod thanks, only spilling a little of the Vesper martini on your shoes, which cost less than the drink.Hobo Clown makes eye contact and waves you over.A karaoke duo sings "Cathy's Clown" in harmony.Poker devolves into "punch him."A limbo contest breaks out.
(DIR) Post #B5s1qDUgfl8Anv5cdk by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestridergah! what have y’all against singing?!
(DIR) Post #B5s5pnQVzQUjm5C2Fc by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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@mirabilos My husband also voted for karaoke, but no luck
(DIR) Post #B5s5pnaROWR0Grpxiq by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider your husband is clearly sensible. Say him a musical hi from me.
(DIR) Post #B60J1cu7n5otHdh4HQ by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You press through the mob of clowns to the far exit door and into the Quiet Car. It's also full of clowns. Dozens of perfectly silent clowns.Every car you pass through is full of clowns. Nothing but clowns.You reach the caboose and knock on the door. The "Staff Only" sign slides open, speakeasy style. Dark eyes glare out."Whaddayawant?"You gulp. "Vinny sent me."The door opens. EDM pulses. Dayglo clowns writhe in the blacklight. A fright-wigged DJ sounds an air horn.It's a clown rave.
(DIR) Post #B60J1dKMDYnsazy1AW by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You slam the Vesper martini you're somehow still holding and join the dancers. The vodka and bass drop at the same moment. You dance with abandon, if not the beat.Clowns gather around. You're in the center of a dance circle. You prepare to bust an epic move......when they attack.Feral clowns swarm, claws and fangs bared. Dark laughter chills your bones. They descend en masse.You awake, hours later, covered in glitter and silly string. The caboose is empty. You clutch a single pinwheel.
(DIR) Post #B60J1dZFKCiHLAvuNM by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You haul yourself off the floor, shedding sparkles as you do. Holding the pinwheel defensively, you explore the car.The floor is covered in clown detritus. So much confetti. So many deflated balloons (you hope). You see a headless rubber chicken in the corner and shudder.You cross the room to examine a discarded pair of Groucho glasses and trip over your own oversized shoes. You stand and dust off your baggy trousers.You catch your reflection in a fallen disco ball.You've been beclowned.
(DIR) Post #B60J1dn4Unlw23OwvQ by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You hurry back to the Lounge Car. It takes time to find Hobo Clown in the crowd."Feral clowns," he nods upon seeing you."Why?" you ask, claiming an empty seat, your clown pants roomy and non-binding."Clowning is structured chaos. Without an underpinning philosophy, it becomes pure chaos. Dangerous stuff. Seductive, corrupting, ultimately destructive.""What now?" You indicate your beclownedness."Go take a shower? Have a drink? Join the circus? They're recruiting in the Dining Car."
(DIR) Post #B60J1e0XgiY0hphhvE by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider oh wow$ ap/pollresult https://mastodon.social/@michelestrider/116519045731433234 -s { "Go to the Dining Car to join the circus.": 17, "Get a drink at the bar, in your clown suit.": 17, "Karaoke time!": 16, "Go back to your roomette to clean up.": 14}-----Σ: 64
(DIR) Post #B64PiOkteFkAD8zm3E by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You decide you need a drink.Weaving through the crowd to the bar is much easier this time, though it's no less crowded. You order a drink without getting a seltzer shower. Instead, you get a Happy Hour discount. Clown life!As you drink, you catch a very attractive clown checking you out. Clown life!The drape of your baggy pants feels elegant on your skin. Your tulle ruff feels regal. Clown life!You head to the Dining Car with a new sense of purpose. You're joining the circus. Clown life!
(DIR) Post #B64PiP3KXiUN8JcUme by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You walk to the Dining Car with vigor and purpose. It's time for action, both feigned and practical. You will become a mime. And you will punch Vinny.You picture your future self, vaguely French and deliciously haughty, tugging imaginary ropes and eating elaborate pretend meals. Also, punching Vinny.You enter the Dining Car to face the recruiters. Four circuses are hiring. Four different dour mustachioed men in tailcoats and top hats sit at four different tables, waiting for your audition.
(DIR) Post #B64PiPIDeMOlsUaNzU by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider finally!
(DIR) Post #B6AjdaoQYcDMBlOO7U by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You scan the Dining Car for a karaoke machine, but no luck.You've come too far to back down now.You stretch, clear your throat, take a deep breath, and launch into an a capella rendition of "Send in the Clowns."Streisand style.You are big. You are bold. You are butter.All four tophats leap to their feet as you take a well-earned bow. They rush you, waving contracts over their heads like flags of surrender. Everyone wants to sign the Tone-Deaf Singing Mime.You're going to be a star.
(DIR) Post #B6Ajdb41ccguy8gqQq by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"Can we put a pin in this?" you ask the tophats. "I gotta go punch Vinny real quick.""Vinny?" asks one of the legacy tophats. "As in Vincenzo Marceau?""Maybe?""You're going to punch Vincenzo Tristano Grimaldi Marceau?" asks the other legacy tophat, agast."Thought I'd try.""The boxer who became a mime after doing 23andMe and finding out he's related to all of the great European clowns of history? And two mad kings?""I guess.""He's here?" swoons Vegas tophat. "Will you introduce us?
(DIR) Post #B6AjdbFiv835YQABfM by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"OK, but I'm still punching him." You lead the tophats back to the Lounge Car to find Vinny.He's sitting at the bar, nursing a beer. He smiles when he sees you."Lookin' good. Who are the tophats?"You introduce them. They fawn bigly."Sorry about the feral clown mob." He signals to the bartender to bring more beers. "But it takes a big shock to the system to fully grasp the true nature of existence. Reverend Krusty teaches that all humor is born of pain and all clowns are born of trauma."
(DIR) Post #B6AjdbTY5j6kFIdEDQ by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"Here's your shock to the system!" you quip like a Marvel superhero, unleashing a mighty right hook. Nothing ever felt so good. You. Punched. A. Mime.Glorious."Feel better?" Vinny is less devastated than you expected."You aren't mad?""I get that a lot. It's a clown's function in society. Permitting the impermissible. Action without consequence. A pressure release.""I was thinking of doing it again.""I wouldn't.""OK."Vinny nods toward the tophats. "Which one are ya' signing with?"
(DIR) Post #B6AjdbinB3Ij0ZlOyW by ShiitakeToast@beige.party
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@michelestrider we’re all in on this cult thing now. The clown thing. Not beige dot party, which is not a cult.
(DIR) Post #B6Ajdbree6OFS3uTmy by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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@ShiitakeToast No, of course not. You're just a group of like-minded citizens. The clown cult, tho...
(DIR) Post #B6Ajdbz6CQLRp9OQOO by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider @ShiitakeToast meanwhile, I put beige on a domain limit that adds a CW saying it’s a cult to all posts from there 😹The only correct answer tonight is “none, I’m officially on vacation”, of course.
(DIR) Post #B6CgGz5qCjdpHtz90q by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"I think I'll sign with the hipsters," you decide as you sip your IPA. You didn't like IPAs before "The Change.""Good," Vinny approves. "Anyway, I heard the Vegas outfit has its eye on a trained cat act.""That sounds amazing." You can't compete with cats.Vinny does you the favor of looking over the contract before you sign. With the squiggle of a pen, you're reborn: The Tone-Deaf Singing Mime. Everyone cheers. Confetti happens.Your first gig is days away -- a giant EDM festival in Vegas.
(DIR) Post #B6CgGzLRGk7O4HHbKC by ShiitakeToast@beige.party
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@michelestrider Good things happen when trained cats show up.
(DIR) Post #B6CgGzWQbsuOcMQNSC by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@ShiitakeToast @michelestrider nonono, it is the cats that train the humans (not the other way round)
(DIR) Post #B6Cjnes8hqbjzZqdyi by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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@mirabilos @ShiitakeToast I know that's how it goes in my house!
(DIR) Post #B6Cjnf1i8GGQTGKHtg by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider @ShiitakeToast he🐈⬛ of the 6½ kg who is currently sleeping on my legs has me well-trained!
(DIR) Post #B6N3S8m6mzAJ1jdxBo by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You sidle up to the Vegas tophat and whisper like you're trying to buy a hot watch. "Psst. Psst. Pspsps.""Can I help you?" he asks, more theatrically than necessary."Got any of those trained cat show tickets?""The Magnificent Seven? Sorry. Not even I can get my hands on those. And a Bellagio concierge even tried to bribe me.""I could bribe you."He looks at your floppy shoes, "Probably not. I could sneak you backstage...""Kitty!" you clap."...but I need you to do me a favor first."
(DIR) Post #B6N3S95FdoTfz6bF1k by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"Does this favor involve feral rave clowns?" you ask."You know them? Great," Vegas tophat replies. "I need you to get me into EDC.""I have no idea what that is.""The EDM concert where you're performing.""I hate acronyms," you sigh."They're initialisms," tophat corrects. "I need a backstage pass.""And the feral clowns are going to be there?" you groan."Yes.""And you want to meet them?""Yes.""Why?""That's my business. Just get me to the clowns, and I'll get you to the cats."
(DIR) Post #B6N3S9GwwJpqZO4aGG by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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"Fine." You and Vegas tophat shake on it. "As long as I get to see the cats."You agree to meet at the performers' entrance to the EDM concert as the train pulls into the station.You travel to Las Vegas in the sideshow hipsters' colorful and ironically wrapped van. By the time you arrive, you never want to hear another Mountain Goats song in your life.They booked rooms in Circus Circus. Ironically, of course. In fact, the casino is full of hipsters, EDM fans, and influencers. All so ironic.
(DIR) Post #B6N3S9TiAs2lCy2m9Y by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You decide to watch the show in the midway.You join the crowd. Thanks to the hipsters and EDM folks, your clown garb doesn't stand out. Much.That doesn't keep one of the performers from noticing you. Rubber Chicken Guy from the train. He recognizes you, despite "The Change," and says something to his chicken.When it's done, he comes over."HER name is Leia," RCG introduces the chicken. "We see you're down to clown now. Want help with your act? The concert sold out before we got tickets."
(DIR) Post #B6N3S9fPTNOvnFW7O4 by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You arrange to meet RCG and Leia at the concert venue the next day.When you arrive, they're chatting with Vegas tophat. Leia dominates the conversation.Security miraculously lets you in. The backstage area bubbles with excitement and talent. You take a moment to savor the imposter syndrome, then look for the sideshow.The hipsters don't question your absurd new posse. You're scheduled to perform later in the show, between the fire dancer and contortionist. Until then, you have time to kill.
(DIR) Post #B6RDxkixWMvXsKir5M by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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The crowd cheers as a performer takes the stage. That same stage and crowd are in your very near future. You need an act.Billed as the Tone-Deaf Singing Mime, you don't have to sing well, but you do need a song. You consult RCG."'The Greatest Show,'" suggests Leia. "No way you'll sing that well.""I was thinking of 'Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite,'" offers RCG. "Also impossible to pull off. Or 'Clown' by Korn.""I think I would also suck at 'Tears of a Clown.'" You weigh your options.
(DIR) Post #B6RDxlDnfhb5Pz9U9o by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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You decide on "Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite" in time to take the stage. As a Beatles song, you already know almost all of the words.With backing from RCG and Leia, it's an absurd, glorious, joyful trainwreck. The crowd is sozzled enough to be into it. You bow to roaring applause.From the stage, you see Vegas tophat being carried off by a mob of feral clowns.Off stage, you're mobbed for your autograph. It takes tens of seconds to deal with him.A perfect party pulses all around you.
(DIR) Post #B6RDxlPUyCxG0GcpOK by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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@michelestrider Cat! 🐈⬛
(DIR) Post #B6VKroYTqDSOKZmCJ6 by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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The three of you rush off to find Vegas tophat and the feral clown mob. Without him, you have no way into the cat show.Hilarity and hijinks ensue as you search for them in the crowd, not unlike in a Beatles film of yore.In the end, the feral clowns decide they are willing to deal with Leia and only Leia. For a rubber chicken, she does a masterful job of negotiating.It becomes clear there will be gains and losses on both sides. You brainstorm for something of sufficient value to offer.
(DIR) Post #B6VKropqndLrCRu4Nk by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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After tense negotiations, the clowns agree to free Vegas tophat the next night at the cat show.You spend the following day reading reviews. You're a hit. The hipsters move you to the top of the bill.You all meet up at the stage door that night. The ferals release Vegas tophat, who lets you all in. He's less traumatized by the experience than expected.You watch the cats perform, content. A new adventure and community await you. Life is chugging along, like it's finally on track.The End
(DIR) Post #B6VKrpA3aVVyD7MCsS by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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Thanks for playing, y'all! We kept this one going a whole month!If you enjoy these goofy stories and have read any of my books, please consider leaving a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads.We'll start our next story on June 10. Thanks again!