Post B4bEFg1fZtkOUpabwG by michelestrider@mastodon.social
 (DIR) More posts by michelestrider@mastodon.social
 (DIR) Post #B4VkIuMujwofQtLrI8 by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "I enjoy life; I might almost say that with every year that passes I enjoy it more."It took hours of searching Goodreads, but you finally found the perfect public-domain inspirational quote. You paste it into Google, select Chinese, and screenshot the translation. It'll make an epic tattoo. It's the perfect way to celebrate a birthday that ends in 0. Plus, it'll really show up your ex. Who's boring and predictable now? Not you. Not anymore.You look in the mirror to decide where to get inked.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4VkIua1xBJA5ZUKjg by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       You arrive early for your appointment because you are reliable. Not predictable. Dependable.You show the tattoo artist the characters you want on your arm. She looks skeptical, but as a veteran of many spring breaks, she agrees and goes to print a stencil.She returns with it and two other people."This?" A slim, colorful woman holds up the design.You nod."As was foretold?" asks a dark, burly man. "Yes." You did call ahead."Do you hail from the North, South, East, or West?" he asks.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4VkIunr7mMomRxNHk by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "The Great Northwest, actually.""We've been expecting you," says the colorful woman.OK. You made the appointment days ago."Summon the council," she tells the man, who rushes off. You didn't realize a tattoo required City Hall's approval."This way." She leads you through dark curtains into an incense-choked room. You give them high marks for ambience, though the candlelight seems insufficient to the task.She gestures for you to lie on a stone table. "Choose a hue for the dedication!"
       
 (DIR) Post #B4VkIv3oAT7xZvQ79M by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "Power to the purple!" you declare as you hop onto the table and point to your bicep. "Right arm!"The woman bows with great reverence.This is much cooler than you expected. You feel edgy, daring. It's the best birthday present you've ever given yourself.The tattoo artist enters the room, along with a bank of fog and a mid-size coven of cloaked figures."Prepare the instruments!" the colorful woman commands, then turns to you. "Do you request chanting, silence, or a hymn for the ceremony?"
       
 (DIR) Post #B4VkIvGDQL3ICPE1UO by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "...a cut from Lorde's Māori-language album, ending with Chappell Roan's The Giver." You describe your playlist in detail. The Colorful Lady masks a yawn and hands you the aux. Carly Rae Jepsen's voice fills the room. You bop along. The cloaked folks sway slightly.The artist prepares your arm and places the stencil. It's a lot of characters. "Go big or go home," you think, and briefly consider the latter. But, no. You're cool now.The C.L. turns to you. "Please lead us in an invocation."Um.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4VkIvTKdZXmr5MUvw by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "Any way the wind blows. Doesn't really matter to me," you conclude, the room reverent silence. "To me."The Colorful Lady smiles for the first time, her myriad tattoos... glowing? "Let's begin."The candle flames brighten. Good. You felt it was a little dark in there. The fog bank starts swirling, which you're less keen on. The tattoo artist readies her instrument, a luminescent feather."To which of the Ancient Ones do you make this dedication? Cthulhu, Bahamut, or Thanatos?" the Lady asks.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4VkIvg5s7khUfKgpE by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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       @michelestrider sorry, I’m already taken for Bastet
       
 (DIR) Post #B4bEFg1fZtkOUpabwG by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "The first one," you decide, unwilling to attempt the pronunciation.The Colorful Lady is impressed. The cloaks nod approvingly. The tattoo artist shrugs and starts working.Tattoos, you learn, hurt.The characters take up much of your arm, leaving it more purple than fleshtone.Moments later, she's done. You only made it to the second song on the playlist. The candles gutter, the fog lifts, and the cloaks file out of the room.You pay, tip, and try to decide where to show off your new ink.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4bEFgHGduDxHCt4Fc by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "Sun's out, guns out." You roll up your sleeves and stroll down the sidewalk, flashing your fresh (and surprisingly well-healed) tattoo.You catch people staring, some openly horrified. Let them gawk. You're edgy now.The 24-hour diner flips its sign to "Closed" as you pass. Edgy.You spot an occult bookstore. They lock the door. So edgy.You stop at a pet store window. An octopus gazes at you longingly. Different.The game store guy waives you in. As does the storefront-church preacher.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4bEFgWVjEPw2U1F0i by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       You decide to get yourself a birthday treat and nip into the game store. The owner greets you with a too-wide grin."Welcome," he tittles, staring intently at your tattoo. So edgy."Do you have any Yu-Gi-Oh: The Gathering cards?" you ask. They don't exist. You just want them to.He shakes his head, still grinning, star-struck. "You might find something over here."He leads you to the darkest, reddest corner of the store. It looks like a tiny 90s Hot Topic. "50% off today only."You browse:
       
 (DIR) Post #B4bEFgjGxmcqg3zQu0 by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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       @michelestrider 🐈‍⬛!
       
 (DIR) Post #B4bQ4NHI8pAicBH1dY by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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       @michelestrider perhaps @albaillustration ’s cat tarot deck
       
 (DIR) Post #B4dHrW4FjuX4nHS79c by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       You grab the cat deck off of the shelf and take it to the register."You can have them for free," giggles the owner, "if I can post your tat on my IG."Trading your image for stuff? The edgiest! You flex and accept your stack of paper kitties."Receipt's inside," he says, handing you the bag. You realize outside that that was odd.You pull a slip of paper from the sack. The writing matches your tattoo. You try Google Translate. Your phone dies. You begin to suspect it's not actually Chinese.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4fZCVp5vlKDeasbJ2 by smolwaffle@union.place
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       @michelestriderWho hasn't wanted to throw their phone in a sewer, I ask you?
       
 (DIR) Post #B4fZHCYUzjxPLOLxL6 by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       You chuck the bricked phone into the gutter and keep walking. You have feline tarot cards. They'll tell you anything you need to know.You continue your Hot Tat Walk through the shopping district, arm on display.You pass a food delivery robot on the sidewalk. It stops in its tracks.A Waymo passes you and dies in the street.A tech bro in pervert glasses walks by and screams.Way edgy tattoo.When the traffic camera catches fire, you start to wonder what you should flash your tat at next.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4fZHCtPjyggOG8ewK by ShiitakeToast@beige.party
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       @michelestrider deffo not the airport. But I was torn between jacking the ATM and spontaneous unplanned disassembly of the dumpster fire lot.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4fZHD4l3nlGxRRica by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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       @ShiitakeToast @michelestrider yeah, the aeroport will have armed guards
       
 (DIR) Post #B4jWNgvXSqRa2zN9to by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       You stroll into the dealership, unsure how to start. Will you have to talk to a salesperson? Take a test drive? You cringe.As you pass the first truck, you hear the sound of straining metal. You step closer and hear a pop. Before your eyes, the wankpanzer contorts into a Bud Light can. Crushed, of course.By the time they chase you out, the dealership looks like a stadium parking lot after a college football playoff.The security video is, of course, blank.Dang edgy tattoo. Hell of a flex.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4jWNhAmYAdYoGVKeu by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       Maybe using Google to translate your perfect public-domain inspirational quote into Chinese wasn't a great idea. Unless it was. You need to find out what the tattoo says.You roll down your sleeve and rush back to the tattoo place.You enter the studio to find them all waiting: The Lady, The Artist, The Cloaks, and Game Store Guy."We're technoanarchists," The Lady explains. "The tat is a kill switch.""My post took down IG," giggles GS Guy. "All of Meta, actually.""We have a job for you."
       
 (DIR) Post #B4jWRdalo0PCrWXX2e by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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       @michelestrider that last answer, since that’s what we just got 😻 also, "more details"
       
 (DIR) Post #B4ldAy7xI5TzciyrQ0 by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "I must consult the kitties." You hold up the cat-themed tarot deck. The Lady nods approvingly. The rest settle into respectful silence.You sort the deck according to your own whim and select a single card. Key 8. The one with the lady and the big kitty. Higher reasoning directs animal instinct in the service of larger goals. Strength."I'm in," you practically purr."Great," The Lady smiles. "To maximize the tattoo's reach, you need to go viral."You groan."Pick your poison," she grins.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4ldAypueee1p3Xxw0 by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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       @michelestrider oooooh, ramen!
       
 (DIR) Post #B4ldFRPwKhSPciWdPM by Catawu@mastodon.social
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       @michelestrider Pssst! We don’t “consult” the kitties here… we negotiate for how much of the bed will be ours.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4nxYXJH2H2enfi4SO by michelestrider@mastodon.social
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       "OnlyFans," you decide, shocking yourself. If all goes according to plan, it'll be the world's first self-deleting tattoo fetish account. Would a boring person do that?Game Store Guy helps you create some very spicy content, kill-switch on prominent display. You upload and wait.The internet outage is localized at first. Until reports, including your pics, hit the TV. After that, it's radio silence.Crowds drag themselves through the streets, starving hysterical, looking for an angry fix.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4nxYXkDQ6ao9EJaS0 by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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       @michelestrider eurghs, do I now really have to research what an “OnlyFans” is? I went for this long without…
       
 (DIR) Post #B4poivoSHKxCQ362mO by TobyBartels@mathstodon.xyz
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       @mirabilos @michelestriderGood idea posting this toot before your SO checks your search history.
       
 (DIR) Post #B4poiw9j0Fy3U131vs by mirabilos@toot.mirbsd.org
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       @TobyBartels @michelestrider … yes, not that I knew at that time