Post B4HgL0MKJorSYsNkci by Willow@chaosfem.tw
(DIR) More posts by Willow@chaosfem.tw
(DIR) Post #B4HgKzfmrypkQwTmJk by Willow@chaosfem.tw
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When I Tell You I’m Trans#ThingsYouCantUnsay #AddressingCisFolksWhen I tell you I’m trans, I’m not telling you about the history of my body - my body is as you see it, and it’s uncomfortable that you think it’s okay to imagine what you cannot see because it’s hidden by clothing, time, or both. I’m not fishing for compliments - I already know I’m stunning, and I totally do fish for compliments, just not like that. I’m not telling you about my romantic and sexual life - I have lots of other words for that, and the relevant ones are “that’s private.” I’m not even telling you about my gender - my name, pronouns, and gender presentation are everything I intend to say on the subject.I’m telling you about pain. I’m telling you that I’ve been pickled in emotional agony, like a specimen in brine - it was all I knew. Emerging brought new horrors, as I uncovered and mourned the ways my body was wrong for me, suffered to remake it, dug up my emotional daemons only to have them eviscerate me, tore at the people closest to me and stared with sadness and acceptance at the wounds I made, discovered gaping holes in my memories, hugged myself in the depths of believing myself unworthy of compassion, and cried in the dark with the need for affirmation. I’m telling you that I still cry when I feel truly seen - tears shed in the present for wounds suffered in the closet.I’m telling you about joy. I’m telling you about the sting of lotion on skin that is dry, cracked, and bleeding. I’m telling you about what it feels like to choose to understand yourself and care about yourself despite everything society taught you, about building on that care one mundanity at a time, one rebellion at a time, one tearful moment at a time, until your clothes fit and your reflection fits and your relationships fit and you finally fit your place in the world just the way that feels good to you. I’m telling you that these simple acts of self love are so potent and ungovernable that nation-states outlaw them. I’m telling you that my everyday joy is so raw it’s illegal.1/2
(DIR) Post #B4HgL02pUJGVaPGBEW by Willow@chaosfem.tw
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I’m telling you about oppression. I’m telling you about society-scale gaslighting on history-spanning timelines, about the dissonance of speaking with people who feel safe when I feel unsafe, about the truths I have been forced to accept about society that I get punished for voicing to others. I’m telling you I know what it’s like to know I’ll never get out, I’ll never breathe free air, I’ll never be safe. I’m telling you I know the despair of seeing that all my trans siblings are oppressed alongside me.I’m telling you about hope. I’m telling you that I can be punished for being myself, but no one can force me to be anything other than me. I’m telling you I can breathe dangerous air, I can live a life of happiness and joy, I can be myself if I can accept that I can only be responsible for my own choices, I can be a beacon to my siblings, I can be remembered as myself, I can hope for more for those who come after me.I’m telling you that if you stand by me, I don’t know how it will end, but you can know you are standing up for the idea that everyone should get to be themselves. I don’t think I can confidently assert that the chronology of my life will have a happy ending. But I plan to make it a happy story, full of memories worth living for.When I die, tell my story.While I live, be a part of it.2/2
(DIR) Post #B4HgL0MKJorSYsNkci by Willow@chaosfem.tw
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This is a revised version of this piece. I found that the joy section was too blithe. It needed more anger, more bitterness, and more awareness to better represent my own feelings of joy. My joy is astounding, is like nothing I thought possible for humans to experience. And it is deeply contrasted with the pain of the closet and the oppression by society.3/2