Posts by rats@refusal.biz
(DIR) Post #AQ6cMIaI7FF3rdDhdw by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:35:10.011324Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@MischievousTomato it's draining the Fuck out of me
(DIR) Post #AQ6cQlj3i7qNP2S7Ga by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:36:08.978884Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@MischievousTomato and the things i am trying to do are probably impossible
(DIR) Post #AQ6cT2jdRR5Ijeo4Ey by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:36:24.793459Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@MischievousTomato it's constantly the opposite of satisfying
(DIR) Post #AQ6cjQq9aRzK85fcSO by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:39:30.461136Z
2 likes, 0 repeats
@MischievousTomato basically: i thought there was a way i could be doing something good, but im realizing it was logic based on an assumption that certain things were possible and im kind of coming to the conclusion that they aren't possible it feels really pessimistic and i think it might come down to my limitations as a human being so i am extremely reluctant to admit it
(DIR) Post #AQ6clMh5yO2nqkM4zw by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:39:54.484784Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@MischievousTomato what's the easy route? blowin my brains out?
(DIR) Post #AQ6cr7NFqTIS4aom8W by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:40:51.222766Z
1 likes, 1 repeats
@CentaurBreeder @MischievousTomato b-but if johnny is telling me to...
(DIR) Post #AQ6czj1ljbP5Aas9mi by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:42:00.647835Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@cope really tempted to hand this entire server to someone else and see what happens
(DIR) Post #AQ6d1xJbaHfU3sHLkG by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:42:31.977020Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@animeirl @MischievousTomato i think that would be literally disastrous in the situation ive created
(DIR) Post #AQ6d2wlN7f7kdejszg by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:42:39.589468Z
1 likes, 1 repeats
@MischievousTomato @CentaurBreeder ok NOW we're talking
(DIR) Post #AQ6dFw1VBVLM6nTdOi by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:44:52.245036Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@kallisti @cope im down to be co-pilot i just want someone else to have their name on the label for a bit
(DIR) Post #AQ6dVhWSrhcvlkTeng by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:45:15.395771Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@tarperfume @MischievousTomato i don't have the impression that it is
(DIR) Post #AQ6dY3yANaXJxwYqFU by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:45:44.353328Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@animeirl @MischievousTomato ill talk about it in dms later i want to go accomplish some things
(DIR) Post #AQ6dYrN0i0WZBBYsHA by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:46:12.153707Z
2 likes, 1 repeats
@cope @netdoll our pipes overflow unfortunately
(DIR) Post #AQ6dbHMr1PWiO8drrE by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T19:47:21.531199Z
2 likes, 0 repeats
@netdoll @cope @kallisti hearing both of you say this is the sort of thing that does actually reassure me that im not doing something evil here
(DIR) Post #AQ6ec2gvAoXh78xKqG by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T20:00:22.219319Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@SOMNI___ @netdoll @cope @kallisti im willing to just be IT if other people take on pr. might just make an alt on the same instance that's not an admin and become that person instead of the person i am now
(DIR) Post #AQ6qHZXl28e4N8fw36 by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-29T22:11:20.463594Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@sophon @arts
(DIR) Post #AQ7mcUZAWpbcMH10JU by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-30T09:05:04.767038Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@PhenomX6 fuck me, dude
(DIR) Post #AQ7mdecsbzM5qdIz5s by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-30T09:05:16.069635Z
2 likes, 0 repeats
@ukko im about to go back to my home planet you should show this stuff to https://refusal.biz/users/arts
(DIR) Post #AQ7tdz4bHzfwwVNLqS by rats@refusal.biz
2022-11-30T10:23:36.295765Z
11 likes, 5 repeats
last post or couple of posts or whatever before this account and the persona it implies go back to its home planetjust want to show my deep thankfulness towards the moments where people actually reach out to me instead of silently retreating into the shadow leaving me to endlessly wonder, so----------i was asked (paraphrased): "you're just seemingly ok with open pedophiles? but like, you claim to not be a pedophile? what's your deal?"SHORT ANSWER:they're my friends. i'm on here to make friends, talk to friends. im kind of haplessly devoted to friendships and wanting to support and help ppl and stand by them as much as possible - give back to them what they give to me (scorpio thingz (vriska)maybe something will somehow explode someday and everyone that was around me will have some 'told you so' moment and i'll learn an important i haven't learned yet, but it's lovely so farLONG ANSWER:it's, in hindsight, the unintended and unanticipated but natural consequence of a bunch of diff things grinds i was on when they ended up combining, and they combined on here before your very eyes. here's all those grinds, in a truly obnoxious amount of detail. feel free to not read any of this, the short answer is the important part.ok well, around the time the ukraine flag emoji became popular i was struggling with delusions that the reality had been murdered (actively grieving and disgusted that nobody seemed to care) + i lived in a dead world devoid of possibility, & i felt more and more like i was existing in a wax museum (this time metaphorically, unlike the other two which were literally). couldnt hold back my disgust for everyone anymore, how nobody was making art or reading books/poetry or having conversations that weren't the most fucking asinine shit id ever heard. whenever i found art that i thought was in any way new or challenging or interesting it would be surrounded by people who wanted it destroyed. constantly trying to start e-fights with people to see if i could snap them into doing something interesting or "off-script" and it would always reveal some truly atrophied mind beneath it.etc, etc - started telling random people to kill themselves to see if the 3 day automatic ban would ever turn into a permanent one (it didn't, the one that finally got me was telling meta i was going to kill all of their employees). i was trying to find the line where i could say something upsetting+unorthodox enough that people couldnt allow themselves ignore it + didnt have some telemarketer script of a response to it and something might snap that caused them to start suddenly behaving like a human being.(my second favorite thing to do during this time: find someone who tweets chronically, is tweeting RIGHT NOW, and is always saying really braindead shit. on any popular tweet you will find someone who made a tweet an hour ago with 0 interactions, that is saying the most lukewarm dissenting stance possible and saying it in a "*sigh* im the only sane one in the room and its up to me to fix it" voice. i would write a series of paragraphs at this person describing a bunch of body-horror things i was going to do to my body, rip a toenail off and glue it to my penis with mucous, carefully unfold a red-and-white striped paperclip and insert it into my own urethra, etc. it's not a threat, it's ambiguous as to whether i as a twitter-persona am even angry, someone has probably never done this to them before, it could not possibly be expected, it's impossible to know what to conclude from it, etc, etc, i hope they'd be thinking about it all day. this was my way of casting a hex through the internet. and in this i finally felt confident that i could read the negative information: they read the tweet because the converse is impossible, they read every tweet. they did nothing because the tweets were impossible to react to. i could feel like i had finally punched someone through the internet. in hindsight, though, an algorithm was probably just hiding them)anyway, my #1 favorite thing: arming pedophiles. people would essentially ignore posts i made about legalizing/normalizing murder, necrophilia advocacy, saying that people who get morally outraged by zoophilia in a world where factory farming exists are completely intellectually dishonest (something i genuinely believe), but something about pedophiles really gets everyone's shit worked up across the board. you suddenly get to see some spark of something in peoples eyes. i started writing longer essays about the emotional properties of loli/shota/guro doujins on twitter, i saw an image that said "arm pedophiles" and completely latched onto it. when karl andersson got canceled, i had recently been retweeted by him and so the entire uk showed up to tell me how bad they want to kill me or whatever. finally after trying hard to make something change/happen in a world i hated, something happened, and it ruled. nothing flips peoples entire shit like being calm and not caring when someone calls you a pedophile. tons of the people that came at me have since gotten banned or gone private but everything i did is still completely intact, lol.i got back on fedi (where i probably should've been instead of on twitter anyway) after the people closest to me got bored with emotionally torturing me into having constant mental breakdowns and finally abandoned me, leaving me isolated and convalescing in the middle of nowhere. i was friends with a number of pedophiles from when i was making friends with everyone from every instance. one of the first things i said when i got back was "arm pedophiles", which the pedophiles loved, so immediately more were hanging around me. they were friendly, nice, extremely enjoyable to talk to tbh. this was on xnfm. a number of old friends had some initial excitement that i was back that p rapidly waned off, others stuck around and were also talking to the pedophiles. this is because they were enjoyable to talk to. after i realized i was filling xnfm's timeline with pedophiles, i felt like i was dragging the instance somewhere it probably didn't want to be, so i set up my own instance again.i was planning for this to just be a solo instance, but the friends that were actually sticking around me and talking to me wanted to come too, so now i was running an instance that had people on it, something that was now necessarily a Community™, something i needed to figure out how exactly to manage. since i was on my own instance to talk to and be friends with whoever the fuck i wanted to be without anyone breathing down my neck, i set this out as a baseline: no defederations, i'm about to be drawing the attention of anyone i impulsively feel like drawing the attention of, you guys can be on here if that's the energy you want to be around, all i ask of you is that you don't do anything that'll get me thrown into a van and dont concern troll me about the stuff im doing.legitimate conversations about anything were v welcome, though. if it wasn't a request to change this basis, i was more than willing to do whatever i could to make everyone feel comfortable. plenty of conversations processing something we had seen, thinking through ways to react to people that behave in these patterns we saw, coordinating information in ways that help deal with, frankly, the large amount of information processing & emotional drain that Talking To Fucking Everyone ends up needing for things to not be a diasaster. whatever culture refusal has isn't formed by like me issuing a series of imperatives by fiat - it's the result of these initial premises + the cultural conditions we were in and have sense moved to + the ppl on here, as a group, working together and having conversations and figuring out what makes us feel good, what keeps us comfortable. (thus: the people on here that talk to/follow/make friends with pedophiles do so because we want to. it is, seriously, as simple as that. don't overthink it.i brought up a conversation around it recently, as pressure had gotten to me enough that i was second guessing everything that had been built so far. /are we/ creating some giant disaster that's endangering people? is everyone on here actually freaked out, and things have gotten so fucked up that people are scared to say anything? result: nobody on here wants to change anything. people feel great about it. users say this is the only place they can imagine feeling safe to be wholly themselves. the culture here is supportive and positive enough that they can offer legitimate constructive support back to me, allow and encourage me to do this weird drama queen shit im about to do to try and create some space in my brain. haha-only-serious: kinda like a fedi nudist colony, or something? feeling welcome to be your naked self, existing in an instance that will every day churn out 100 new things that any one of us could be canceled over in a community that you can be, for once, positive will stick by you if it ever happens.so, rats is going to his/her/their/it's home planet. since basically every fucking other instance on here is formed by a series of decrees which are only ever added-to, and then strictly enforced, (or, alternatively, is deliberately laissez-faire, or alternatively, its lead by one person who dictates what's right or not) it's easy to imagine that that's exactly what i've done here, and it's easy for us to not realize it's coming off that way. whenever some new person randomly shows up and says "woah this looks great" and hops in, things shift around in response to that (at least it does for me. i kinda have a spreadsheet in my mind where i'm thinking in broad strokes about the people on here and whether my actions might make them more or less comfortable, and try to adjust accordingly. probably something for us to have a conversation about). new people create new dynamics, we get new information we need to deal with, some stressful dynamic suddenly forms, something makes someone feel weird - people work together to figure out how to deal with it. all the hands are on the ouija. imho we could be doing better at all of this, but it feels like building the train tracks while the train is running and people do show up! someone is somewhere they don't feel 100% great about, see us being goofy faggots somewhere (because we can be anywhere (except on the mastodon side of the fedischism)), ask wtf this is and if they can come hang out because it looks fun, and enjoy it. or move on elsewhere if the sheer chaos of everything is overwhelming, which is pretty fucking understandable. there are def 'full time' and 'part time' refusal ppl, which is super cool but a lot of this happens in private, and i forget that people can't see that, and that it prob looks like it's not happening at all. from what i see, the instances that federate with paraphile instances do it out of begrudging, principled obligation and effectively close it back off immediately w/ total hostility towards them. being openly friendly to them feels like legit undefined territory and i think we're prob acting like the following video of maned wolf pups going outside for the first time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwzUkpHCJEM it's been a lot of figuring out a subculture that is completely alien to me, one that seems v insular because of the amount of hostility that always comes up whenever its shown openly. some people seem v eager to talk to people that /aren't/ paraphiles, others don't give a fuck. for my part, nothing makes me want to investigate and learn about something quite like people trying to shame me out of doing so, so it rules for me. i generally love the people i interact with from over there, i'm fascinated to learn abt and observe the community dynamics, and i'm fascinated watching the social dynamics that emerge when they interact with my other friends on here.there's a ton of shit i'm concerned about, and i talk about it privately - within refusal, private conversations with the paraphiles we interact with. i'm concerned about people's safety, i'm concerned about leaking illegal (USA) material into the wider fedi, i'm concerned about enabling behaviors i view as harmful… and to be 100% honest i'm concerned about fucking everything up in some gigantic disaster that people will point to and be like "oh yeah, refusal tried to do that once and you know how that fucken went". i care about this weird-ass thing that has formed and the people in it and the people we talk to outside of it, and fucking this up feels like it would show that a lot of things that i want to believe in are actually false.so i've been extremely hard on myself. i'm constantly slipping into "pr" mode or "damage control" mode. i'm trying to write massive, perfect essays for people that will never read them, or will hate them if they do. i'm writing one right now to get it all out of my system before i hopefully stop doing it and remember how to just relax about all this shit and trust in the people around me. stop thinking and writing constantly about justifying this thing existing instead of focusing on trying to make this thing itself better. i'm exhausted and i feel like shit, constantly. rats being murdered and this new guy arts showing up at the same time is me trying to hit the boggle pop-o-matic™ on all of the social dynamics, internal and external, and seeing if i can coax them into something closer to anarchy. something where more not-me people are in control here, steering things, acting as representative or whatever, and i can spend more time building things / hacking / posting max ernst's art / writing aesthetic criticism of doujins / breathing / living / laughing / loving / etcim gay, i suck dick, and so on and so forth [zizek voice
(DIR) Post #AQUBfm4YfYSzqyTfma by rats@refusal.biz
2022-12-11T04:29:13.108203Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
2pts- for real leaving, will keep this up & running as long as ppl on this instance value it enough to continue the community on it- both individuals ppl were particularly upset about left of their own accord and are no longer on here