Post Aw3stQM07XgLTstreq by defectivenull@idtech.space
(DIR) More posts by defectivenull@idtech.space
(DIR) Post #AvoWHXctWMjGfYvy5Y by prettygood@socially.drinkingatmy.computer
2025-07-05T05:49:45.287859Z
4 likes, 0 repeats
I got a fuckin drinking problem.This ain't new, or special, or unique, but its finally starting to wear a little thin. The skeleton-shaped specter of the inevitable has begun to stir, and nothing can stop him. I posted the other day my doctor commented about "elevated liver enzymes" which doesn't really require a lot of explanation. Its the beginning of the end of a story that has already been written.I don't think I've been sober more than a week in over 25 years. Despite that, I've managed to avoid the worst of the anticipated problems, so far. I don't get the shakes, I don't day-drink, I don't show up to work half-drunk, I haven't turned to mouthwash or vanilla extract, I don't hide my habit from people I love, and I will NEVER drink and drive. I don't get violent or hateful or stupid: quite the opposite. When I'm really bent I start cleaning or thinking about how much I value the people in my life, or working on coding projects, or posting bullshit like this. I guess I'm what people would call a functional alcoholic, but every machine wears down over time.I'm not the type to have a bad night and say "I'm never drinking again" because that's bullshit and I'm too pig-headed and honest to even say something I know isn't true. But I've had plenty of times where I've gone "we should cool it a bit" and that works for a while. I'll have a weekend where I take it real easy, just get a little buzz, go to bed on time, feel kinda cleaned up for a bit. Then the weather forecast will turn dire and I'll start fretting about flooding again, or we'll get a new deadline at work, or the car will break down, or my fucking dog's cancer is back again (it is, right now), or someone gets into an argument, and we're right back to where we were before.I realize now that relapse, if you want to call it that, is inevitable, and whenever I get stressed or pressed, I crumble. I can live a routine forever with no complaints, but I'm too easily disquieted. Slipping back into a cold comfortable state makes all of that go away for a while. There's a sweet soothing vat to slide into, where I boil myself alive, and it is always there, and I will always want to be in it, because its better than the alternative.I really think I was just not cut out for this life. I don't know how to live sober, and I don't think I want to learn. It isn't worth it. I have too many issues despite coming from seemingly supportive parents. They divorced but they were both better for it. I was never abused in my youth, I wasn't neglected, and no major traumas to speak of. No excuse to lean on, nobody to blame. The problem in my life is just me. I just don't feel like other people do. I'm just not here if I'm not drunk. I'm just not 'me', the real me, the one you're all used to seeing. Something is missing, or broken, forever.Maybe some people aren't meant to get sober and recover. Maybe some people need this, like NEED it the way plants need water. Or maybe that's just a cope, a resignation, a hand-waving excuse for a lifetime of cowardice and taking the easy way out. We're supposed to fight this kind of battle, but acquiescence is so much less trouble, so much gentler, so much quieter.RT: https://socially.drinkingatmy.computer/objects/1e97a840-26e2-492d-866c-9e68aeadfbef
(DIR) Post #AvoZbn18J6vg3dcNeK by moth_ball@shitposter.world
2025-07-05T06:27:05.871147Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
@prettygood Elevated liver enzymes probably means higher ALAT/ASAT and that isn't irreversible by itself. As long as the liver hasn't turned completely fibrous you can still recover. No need to quit all of it, just drink less often in smaller amounts. Buy only one night's booze at a time and stick to it.
(DIR) Post #AvocsnHGtODfeNxzBA by asmodai@cum.salon
2025-07-05T07:03:45.734277Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
@prettygood i feel like i'm going towards this if i ever get more money or stop working
(DIR) Post #AvodM8ylHmpFM1Iu0W by xaetacore@neondystopia.world
2025-07-05T06:58:55.554Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@prettygood@socially.drinkingatmy.computer as a former junkie, who is still clean from the harder shit, have you tried replacing it with something natural less destructive?This if professional professional help/rehab/institutionlization have failed.Thats how i got off amfetamine/ketamine/cocaine replace it with something less harmful, i smoke weed now and never felt better, stopped drinking 4 years ago becayse it took a massive toll on my body compared to weed.The point I'm trying to bring across is if you can't prevent it try to look into harm prevention and reducing the amount of harm you inflict by perhaps taking something that is less harmful for you but still helps you deal with your demons long story short that's how I got clean from the harder s*** that was ruining my life weed what I am on right now does not affect my life as badly as alcohol or hard drugs did.But for you we can be anything less harmful For You then alcohol What is your alcohol was My ketamine
(DIR) Post #AvodMACGl3Dz8CdChU by prettygood@socially.drinkingatmy.computer
2025-07-05T07:08:57.196493Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@xaetacore I fucking hate weed, I've never had a good experience with it. The least-bad time I had was just "drunk but faster" and lost all of the enjoyment of *getting* drunk. Past that I don't have the patience for making edibles and smoking is its own bowl of bullshit.For a real answer, no, I haven't tried anything else. You can call it cowardice but most people would stick to what they know works. When you're reaching around in the blackness, you'll take whatever you can find. There's worse than beasts in the darkness, though.
(DIR) Post #AvoenaTfFtHqPbPNVw by xaetacore@neondystopia.world
2025-07-05T07:16:21.219Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@prettygood@socially.drinkingatmy.computer true but you got to remember that alcohol is on the same scale as heroin when it comes to physical damage as well as social and mental addiction properties should be really careful. Sticking to what you know works is fine everyone has their own poison but it's foolish not the try something that could work just as well but be twice as less damaging to you because that would take away some of the negatives while still remaining the positive so it would be the logical choice to at least try something new so you can have something better that you like more but doesn't destroy you the same way alcohol does that's how I fixed my problem I picked something that was way less destructive than all this s*** I was taking that was destroying my life and it made everything so much more manageable I said Weed but that's just what worked for me you need to find your own replacement that works for you.You can beat cowardice with knowledge educate yourself on what you want to take and you will start to understand what you are taking and that takes most of the fear away from it harm reduction is the way to go with these kind of things you cannot tell someone not to do so something instead tell someone how to do something in the safest way possible that is one of the most important lessons I've learned during my six years heavy drug abuse time. I will leave you if I quote that I think fits this current advice I'm giving. "courage is the power to persevere in the face of fear"
(DIR) Post #AvoenbfOpkGg6HuGRc by prettygood@socially.drinkingatmy.computer
2025-07-05T07:25:10.262519Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@xaetacore the moments when we are most afraid are the only times in which we can truly show any courage.I'm glad I never got into crank, there's a really high probability I would have lost my soul to it a long time ago.
(DIR) Post #Avoi9VJRRFiSculjnc by xaetacore@neondystopia.world
2025-07-05T07:28:14.867Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@prettygood@socially.drinkingatmy.computer I wouldn't necessarily say that being afraid is a prerequisite for showing or developing courage you can develop courage after being fed up with something for the longest time that is the opposite of being afraid courage is the act of overcoming fear the reason why you overcome it can be anything if I would put myself in your shoes I would be afraid from my own health and it's a very valid reason to show courage you don't have to be afraid of the thing itself to develop courage it could also be a consequence of the thing you are doing and that is what I would be more afraid of
(DIR) Post #Avoi9WFZx6DjXDyAPw by prettygood@socially.drinkingatmy.computer
2025-07-05T08:02:41.878190Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@xaetacore look everybody knows there's something wrong with them, most people just don't know what it is. Those of us cursed with the intelligence to understand what's wrong, we get to live with it as long as we choose. You decided you were tired of letting addiction kill you. I've thus far decided that the alternative is worse than the status quo. That's the bare, naked truth.I know what's wrong with me. It isn't booze or PTSD or depression or anxiety or stress or anything like that. Its just me being a broken person. I love too much, feel too strongly, sympathize too much, connect too well, and entwine myself with the state of humanity so tightly that everyone's suffering funnels right into my soul. Everyone's hurt and pain and struggles and worries, I pull in on myself like a fucking black hole of concern. I can't help it, I don't do it on purpose, its just the way that I am.All the things that are killing me are just bad coping mechanisms for that fact.And its going to kill me, and I'm going to let it, because the alternative is to stop loving and caring for people, to stop taking up for people, to stop defending the defenseless, to harden my heart and stop empathizing and start disavowing knowledge of the state of the world.
(DIR) Post #Avpl86IZRslVmILO7s by xaetacore@neondystopia.world
2025-07-05T08:22:48.171Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@prettygood@socially.drinkingatmy.computer All the things that are killing me are just bad coping mechanisms for that fact.Then it is definitely worth exploring different ways to cope, for me one very recent way that has helped be deal with trauma from the past 4/6 years(I think i shared this with you) was reading philosophy, mainly stoic philosophy, It taught me a complete different way to look at situations.And its going to kill me, and I'm going to let it, because the alternative is to stop loving and caring for people, to stop taking up for people, to stop defending the defenseless, to harden my heart and stop empathizing and start disavowing knowledge of the state of the world.Especially with this, you are are looking at this from a very negative point of view, You don't have to stop caring for people, you do not have to stop defending the defenseless, you don't need to wall yourself off to others, what is making you think all this, these are illogical and ridiculous thoughts, you should be proud of yourself for wanting all that, that makes you an amazing human being, there is no weakness in that only strength and you are hearing that from a trained fighter.I will finish with this bit of wisdom that i found when reading about Epictitus a great Stoic philosopher and former slave(Born into slavery)"You have the power to choose how you respond. Caring for others, standing up for the defenseless, and feeling deeply for the world are things you can control—they're reflections of your strength and character. These qualities don’t make you weak; they show your courage and humanity.Focus on the things you can control, your responses, your effort, your attitude. As Epictetus said, 'Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.' Remember, it's about directing your energy to what you can influence and letting go of what you cannot."" ~ Epictetus
(DIR) Post #Aw3stQM07XgLTstreq by defectivenull@idtech.space
2025-07-12T12:09:56.077614Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@prettygood honesstly, my take on this is simple. Every single person has an addiction to something they can't help but hold on to. Even if you think you don't, you do. The fact of the matter is that none of us are rich supermen who are able to shrug off pain and aging. You're going to eventually find out that you can only care about so many different aspects of your life, find that you do in fact have limits. That's not a bad thing, so i cant really say i mind you being an alchoholic even if it is bad - you've made your choices, you're aware of the consequences. and those are facets of you life you can deal with. Life isn't about removing all struggle, it's about choosing what you want to struggle with.