Post ArnYvInPlaY7ibJcMS by deutrino@mstdn.io
(DIR) More posts by deutrino@mstdn.io
(DIR) Post #ArnYvAsnBi67AxlndI by RationalizedInsanity@mastodon.social
2025-03-06T18:17:36Z
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So much of my life has been hardship that it doesn't even really register in my mind anymore.Some things I've experienced I'll never speak about. They are too disturbing to me. You'd have wanted to die, and I certainly did. For years of my life. I was too ANGRY to die.If I died, the people who hurt me accomplished what they set out to.A slow death to wash their hands of and bury.Now they suffer.I'm fine, and I'll sooner hang myself before giving them a rope.#writing #mentalhealth
(DIR) Post #ArnYvBzZ416ocFwipM by deutrino@mstdn.io
2025-03-06T22:00:44Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@RationalizedInsanity I always enjoy explaining to a new shrink "yes I have suicidal ideation, no I'm not gonna do anything about it unless diagnosed with a terminal disease, it's just background noise at this point." about a decade ago I realized I was far too curious to ever self-terminate except possibly in the case of something like cancer, incipient dementia, etc
(DIR) Post #ArnYvCs9n2mHLZUJv6 by RationalizedInsanity@mastodon.social
2025-03-06T22:03:58Z
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@deutrino I kinda had the same thoughts.My favorite from being in the mental hospital recently was how the doctor didn't even know I had Tourettes until I felt and just kept randomly assigning Antipsychotics and getting really really mad every time I refused them.He must have just thought I was bipolar or hearing things. Never asked my issues.I wasn't nice either.I literally told him his treatments were fucking worthless to me and he should find a job he was good at.
(DIR) Post #ArnYvDa79bwJXu3QR6 by deutrino@mstdn.io
2025-03-06T22:15:51Z
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@RationalizedInsanity a particular antipsychotic has made my existence vastly more tolerable/viable while living in this very poor fit of a society, and I also believe that they are way over-prescribed, very irresponsibly so. there are mfs prescribing antipsychotics as a sleep aid. should be stripped of their medical license and stuck on a pike as an example.
(DIR) Post #ArnYvInPlaY7ibJcMS by deutrino@mstdn.io
2025-03-06T22:19:36Z
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@RationalizedInsanity in fact, my initial prescription for the one I take is one I'd now categorize as irresponsible, I just happen to respond to very strongly / helpfully to it, so it partly solved a major problem by accident.
(DIR) Post #ArnZ6ZnEuak7cTbqdM by RationalizedInsanity@mastodon.social
2025-03-06T23:31:37Z
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@deutrino Every antipsychotic I've taken made me depressed and lacking in will.They also make your Tourettes worse if you're on them for a long time then stop. They did take away a lot of tics. If I don't have them I find I also lose my will to do anything because they usually motivate me to do stuff. Moving actively feels extremely good.I was misdiagnosed as skizoeffective a long time.Also it took away my synesthesia and it was like a lost loved one when it came back.#mentalhealth #rant
(DIR) Post #ArnZ6ayGX59nGxmASW by deutrino@mstdn.io
2025-03-07T00:20:33Z
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@RationalizedInsanity the one I'm on is a direct counter to one of my major depression failure modes: it prevents me from becoming paralyzed by meta-awareness of all the terrible shit going on everywhere around me and then lapsing into low-energy depression which can eat a couple years of life for breakfast. I call it my third eye blinders. it also helps with sensory stuff. but yeah the price I pay is an extreme withdrawal syndrome if I don't slowwwwly taper off to stop taking it.
(DIR) Post #ArnZ6bul1bweCN8sd6 by RationalizedInsanity@mastodon.social
2025-03-07T00:21:54Z
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@deutrino Interesting. Our brains respond entirely differently to that.I see all the bad shit and get motivated to speak and do something about it, and rally others to see.
(DIR) Post #ArnZ6cqtXSRv6gLJFQ by deutrino@mstdn.io
2025-03-07T00:26:22Z
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@RationalizedInsanity yeah brains are amazingly diverse!
(DIR) Post #ArnZ6dj8Hnpnoticmu by RationalizedInsanity@mastodon.social
2025-03-07T00:59:08Z
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@deutrino I found out I have literally a one in a million brain a while ago.My particular set of conditions adds up to about that chance even including comorbid factors.Then I took an actual IQ test, and whether you want to use that to actually define intellect or not is debatable, but I discovered a savant ability for pattern finding and learning new info quickly as well, and an official IQ of about 150.So my whole body is fucked up.But I'm really fit and a genius O.o
(DIR) Post #ArnZ6eM7wp1hlpxlZI by deutrino@mstdn.io
2025-03-07T01:06:22Z
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@RationalizedInsanity once I realized that my brain and the resulting mind is also quite unusual in multiple ways, it brought me peace on some areas of former torment.
(DIR) Post #ArnZ6ihXn8XDFQ0vVQ by deutrino@mstdn.io
2025-03-07T00:25:09Z
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@RationalizedInsanity it also makes me fat and makes my hereditary high cholesterol even worse. but the benefits (in being able to tolerate a poorly matched society & living situations) are so strong that I'm still on it.I react weirdly to many drugs, including the one in question. it shouldn't do what it does for me at such a small dose as I take.it's plausible I could sub CBD for it (interesting research to that effect) but I'd need access to about a gram of oil a day, so, no dice.
(DIR) Post #ArnZ7nSHbP8aHUOBWK by RationalizedInsanity@mastodon.social
2025-03-07T01:18:13Z
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@deutrino Me too.When I realized my drug addiction stemmed from things that were never really my fault, self medicating for problems I did not know I had, I was able to let go of almost all my shame and reclaim my power, and happiness.I didn't know until about 27 or 28 I had any of these issues for sure.Just shots in the dark that hurt me, and I never got help much. My family just shamed me constantly for being sick into silence so they could bury their abuse.I am very happy to be alive.