Post AQgXFTjSlTpEKbzoDg by Meatballmrr@refusal.biz
 (DIR) More posts by Meatballmrr@refusal.biz
 (DIR) Post #AQgXFTjSlTpEKbzoDg by Meatballmrr@refusal.biz
       2022-12-16T15:33:32.909977Z
       
       1 likes, 0 repeats
       
       cw: discussion of self harm, emotional abuse
       
 (DIR) Post #AQgXyX8svuiDwGN36u by hermit@hermitmountain.top
       2022-12-17T03:35:57.799632Z
       
       2 likes, 0 repeats
       
       @Meatballmrr You are obviously very perceptive and emotionally sensitive. You can't simply turn off your ability to perceive cues in his behaviour, I totally get that (nor should you!)Obviously it sucks that he does this to you, but it sounds like you don't really have much of an opportunity to try and change his behaviour. (Getting the fuck out of there sounds like the better option anyway, glad you're doing it.)However I think the "real problem" here is that you've internalised your father's value system. His judgments of you hurt because you, in some way, acknowledge his notion of "bad."You said in this recording that in his presence, you sometimes feel "evil," and you speak of it with such distress... your metaphors regarding corruption, filth and taint are strong, too. Somehow, you need to discard your father's notions of what constitutes "evil", and go by your own. You seem like the kind of person who would never voluntarily engage in actions that she "truly" saw as evil.Please remember that you haven't "sinned" just by being you. There is no template standard that you are being compared to, your deviance from some hypothetical model of person is just a sign that you're an individual, not a failure!Don't get me wrong, I get that it is very hard to put anything like that into practice while you're still in the same physical zone as him. But sooner or later, the barrier must be overcome if that ambient "3" is going to hit an ambient "0."
       
 (DIR) Post #AQgmSO6UVA9dx4NfOa by yeongrak@ap.maladaptive.art
       2022-12-17T06:18:11.477746Z
       
       1 likes, 0 repeats
       
       i can't really articulate my thoughts very well cause i'm an idiot but i listened to this and it made me really wanna tell you you seem cool and nice and not filthy or corrupted anything like that. sorry i think it might be a useless thing to say but not saying it was annoying the shit out of me and hope it makes you feel better even if just a bit. i'm glad it sounds as though theres a light at the end of hte tunnel for you