Post ANtL2eVOisa80IDE0G by TDovelle@spinster.xyz
(DIR) More posts by TDovelle@spinster.xyz
(DIR) Post #ANryd4XstL2p5RoSUC by Flick@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:20:08.427262Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
(To reiterate, after I got shit for whinging, my mum has been phoning me for an hour or so each evening, since my father died, to regurgitate the day’s small talk. This is fine, I’m happy to accommodate until she gets used to it.)I’ve just spent five minutes trying to make this amusing, but failed, sorry. Finish washing up after dinner, spend an hour watching TV, an hour prattting about here, an hour reading… life is good. Now add the hour-long daily phone call. I’m not here much rn, and when I am I’m distracted. I could do without the phone calls, much as I know she needs them. I thought it was a temporary thing, I now fear they’re going to be permanent. I hate the idea. I do not want her to know every detail of my life, and I hate lying, but recitations of “what I have been doing today” are a lot harder to fudge than “what I have been doing this week”, and it’s frankly none of her business. An hour a week I could cope with, one day of breaking my routine. Every day and I’m going to have to seriously change it. Even without my crazy sister. Ok, getting into whinge territory. Sorry.
(DIR) Post #ANrz6nK7UG72MSXzP6 by polarisera@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:25:30.894624Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Flick Can you wear a headset and get some chores done at the same time?
(DIR) Post #ANs0nVfX6Ofq0qUl60 by Flick@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:44:26.640194Z
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@polarisera I totes play click bait games.
(DIR) Post #ANs12qSI6K9IpAc6zI by xzy45@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:36:18.765844Z
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@Flick This is hard on you and all I can suggest is be boring? Just say, nothing much, I ....washed......some.....dishes....I ....sat .....in.....front.....of ....telly....I ....got .....dressed....and ....Mum....are...you ...getting...out ....much?
(DIR) Post #ANs12qyu94EkSJs9p2 by Flick@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:47:13.094295Z
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@xzy45 But didn’t you doooo anything???? I walked the dogs and gardened and washed, dried and ironed the spare bedding just because!Yeah, seriously.
(DIR) Post #ANs193U2ZjJCy5ORfM by EatKnitSleep@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:36:45.546203Z
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@Flick What a horrible situation. That sounds really hard. You have every right to whinge as much as you need.
(DIR) Post #ANs1CMMKqtx8NYMgcK by Flick@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:48:56.207261Z
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@EatKnitSleep Obvs love and worry about her, but.
(DIR) Post #ANs1cXclakSEqVXE3c by xzy45@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:38:53.027937Z
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@Flick like real slow and monotonous, and tell her you live too boring an existence to be able to provide a run-down every day, but that you understand she'd be lonely now dad's gone, can you help get her involved in some other communities.Maybe she spoke to your father like this and now has noone to do the minute talk with.
(DIR) Post #ANs1cY2I3qs47fTbqC by Flick@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:53:39.883395Z
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@xzy45 maybe she spoke to your father like this and now has noone to do the minute talk with.absolutely , and I understand that. It’s just hard work every day. We are trying to get her involved in other stuff, but she’s not yet interested, so I get to be the sounding board for a while yet :)
(DIR) Post #ANs1lbb6Bn3Dm54pU0 by HebrideanHecate@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:51:42.720862Z
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@Flick @EatKnitSleep Yes, that’s hard, especially if you don’t usually have that sortof relationship thing going on. Does she have friends nearby,anything for her to join, to get out the house, any hobbies orsomething new to learn?
(DIR) Post #ANs1txwH0Xm7Nky3P6 by Flick@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:56:48.872477Z
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@HebrideanHecate @EatKnitSleep Nope. Not a sausage. All their friends were in Turkey, I’m starting to thing he shouldn’t have sold up, just left her to hire people.
(DIR) Post #ANs2FmYI1ZWGRB9VMe by HebrideanHecate@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T22:55:02.651388Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Flick @xzy45 Especially on the phone, in person you can deflect a bit more,or in and out a room, change the convo or that, phoning is difficult.
(DIR) Post #ANs2TyDTSBkWfSBJ5s by Flick@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T23:03:19.415326Z
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@HebrideanHecate @xzy45 Yes, I’m getting a day of convo in an hour. And tbh I’m used to half hour of convo in a day, so not coping. Going to read a book now. xx
(DIR) Post #ANsmpvSeyPJ0NwgwXg by EatKnitSleep@spinster.xyz
2022-09-23T23:03:11.843851Z
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@Flick It's awful when someone you care about needs more from you than you can give. I really feel for both of you.
(DIR) Post #ANsoFnlUJJTLzzOuGG by HebrideanHecate@spinster.xyz
2022-09-24T07:55:09.784514Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Flick @EatKnitSleep Very difficult situation for all involved this, hope you manageto find some resolution and peace with it.
(DIR) Post #ANspZE4qo2OV3rHeHQ by Ladyfat@spinster.xyz
2022-09-24T08:13:18.913691Z
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@Flick Sending you sympathy, no advice but sympathy.
(DIR) Post #ANsupyj1dZTm8psmPo by UrbanGardener@spinster.xyz
2022-09-24T08:10:00.196931Z
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@HebrideanHecate @Flick @EatKnitSleep this is really rubbish. I like you couldn't cope with this frequency of chats. My advice would be to start setting small boundaries. Maybe come up with a reason why you can't talk 1 day a week, out for dinner with a friend, new class etc. Cut calls shorter with dinner is ready, need to take dog out etc. Maybe suggest she rings your sister on the day she doesn't speak to you? Encourage her to do some community activities to get some people to just have a chat to. Your stuck between a rock and a hard place, she is going to be upset when you pull back, but if you don't you'll just get more resentful of your space being invaded. Sending a big hug x x
(DIR) Post #ANsvHe1QCmDY2WgBgu by Flick@spinster.xyz
2022-09-24T09:17:21.839568Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@UrbanGardener @HebrideanHecate @EatKnitSleep “Ooh, call me when you get back from dinner / class and tell me all about it!”My sister’s already there at least twice a day. Being fair, I remember several conversations (before he died) where my mother was saying things like “why would you choose to get divorced, you won’t have anyone to talk to, won’t you be lonely?” In hindsight, she was asking how she was going to cope with it, but I suspect she might think that she’s doing me a favour too. You’re right, I do need to cut it down, but I feel mean and keep thinking it will drop of naturally. Difficult.
(DIR) Post #ANsvRTeTcEJam0dTcG by HebrideanHecate@spinster.xyz
2022-09-24T09:18:45.292605Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Flick @UrbanGardener @EatKnitSleep It is difficult, very, and what you don’t want is to end upso wound up that you get angry and resentful.
(DIR) Post #ANtL0FVEi8v3sdzUZ6 by TheInebriati@spinster.xyz
2022-09-24T09:46:11.066731Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Flick The trick is not to make her miss a day but to make each days phone call shorter. And instead of talking about yourself or listening to her, find one activity to talk about instead. She's in that self-obsessed stage, so get her out of herself. Talk about listening to the radio, and going to local free activities. Make it up if you have to. Listen to Womens Hour on Radio 4 and encourage her to listen as well.
(DIR) Post #ANtL2eVOisa80IDE0G by TDovelle@spinster.xyz
2022-09-24T09:28:11.634041Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Flick Are people bothered by whinging on spinster? That shouldn't even qualify as a real whinge, imo. Especially since you added whinge disclaimers.If it helps to relieve stress you should do it guilt free.I'm guessing there's no way to tell her she's calling too much without hurting her feelings? I'm sure you would have tried that already if that wasn't the case.(Silly bad advice that I hope you think is funny) There was an ad on TV years ago where a woman had a pet cockatoo that just said, "Oh I knooow" and she had it replace her on the phone so she could go off and do other things.
(DIR) Post #ANtL2eyoxU7LTXyirg by UrbanGardener@spinster.xyz
2022-09-24T09:43:33.793877Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@TDovelle @FlickI plan in advance what I'm going to say, like, oh I'll be tired when I get back, so I'll tell you about it later/tomorrow.Unfortunately I don't think it will naturally drop off. A friend had something similar when her dad died 2yrs ago, as it was lockdown she bubbled with her mum and was there (2hr+ drive away) every weekend including some midweek time due to WFH, for nearly a year. She felt like she couldn't not go as everything was in lockdown as so her mum couldn't see others.From what you've said your mum is happy with this level of contact, and it's not because of the grief, it's because she wants daily contact. That won't naturally drop of unless you make it happen.I do things like, not answering the call, and texting to say can't talk right now, hope everything is OK. Talk to you later.I don't explain why unless I'm really forced into it.I'm going to have this problem with both my parents from next week as I'm back at work and I'm going back to my I don't answer the phone or text back during work hours.