Post A4O4mLHkVoudaNnnXM by Zezin@fosstodon.org
(DIR) More posts by Zezin@fosstodon.org
(DIR) Post #A4LvDoh7tD4il4DLmK by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-17T03:34:16.024305Z
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Why do i keep trying to be everyone's friend when i need to bend over backwards to fit in and get nothing in return.
(DIR) Post #A4LvDp9UBllCB1Tzyy by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T03:41:56Z
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@Sophie 1. Collecting frens is human nature2. maybe you triyng to fill something within you with others3. U r probably hanging with inconpatible types (aka normalfags)Stop changing yourself to fit in, after that the frens you encounter will be way more valuableCan I be one of them? (No change required)
(DIR) Post #A4LyFWkjrp3pYRPZAW by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-17T03:45:21.055195Z
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@Zezin yes to all three and we can be friends i guess, i don't know how to not pretend and change myself to fit in it's uhm problematic
(DIR) Post #A4LyFX8URW3kk6WXBo by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T04:15:51Z
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@Sophie well, you notice _change_, so your "normal" self is well defined right?It os normal to change tresholds and atitide when meeting new people, but if u find it bad, you have too simply stop. Come at terms with yourself to the point of being confortable showing the real you aroundDont you have any idea why you change?
(DIR) Post #A4LzbZYsCmr2aewAds by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-17T04:19:33.126508Z
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@Zezin I grew up chronically lonely, i always feel lonely and sometimes makes me go through extremes to make it stop which may go as bad as going on grindr for sex just not to be alone.. luckily i didnt go through with it at the time.Often the real me feels like an illusion, a thin layer on top of a void. My identity is not well defined and I'm at the very whim of my emotions and reactions to anything that happens around me which is also why i isolate a lot.
(DIR) Post #A4Lzba0WXyyLyPsFk0 by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T04:31:03Z
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@Sophie >feeling like a illusion, thin layer on top of a voidFelt thatWell, faking a persoality aint helping right?You were and are alone? Or you feel alone. If u r faking to make friends, it means that you didnt gave up yet, you didnt run away... goodWhat makes you feel good and forget all about this? It seams generic but "doing what u love" it's a very effective distraction, and also good to making terms with yourself, building a solid personality.
(DIR) Post #A4LzhgRBYMtreZFsmG by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T04:32:08Z
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@Sophie latch on to what you still have... and isolating wont help, and you know that (pretty counter intuitive tbh)
(DIR) Post #A4M210cmvE5Rfn1cY4 by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-17T04:40:00.844450Z
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@Zezin I always feel alone. Always. Could be sitting with 10 of my best friends in life and still be alone.It's not so much that I aim to fake a personality its just that I need a personality to be approachable and what better than what the person i want to approach actually likes and finds enjoyable and relateable.The personality that used to be was systematically destroyed by years of abuse from.. many things but parents and school were the most formative issue.I did run away... I did attempt to end my life twice... but i was saved. Don't know.. everything is a mess. everything hurts. but i want to keep going and experience more and most importantly better things than this.
(DIR) Post #A4M2112JOKVGwwy0Ke by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T04:58:04Z
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@Sophie so u r doing good now.If you want to feel better ( with all this heavy stuff ), coping on the internet wont do that much good... seek help, again of u already did.Thats obviosly a illness and calls for professional help and remedy.As much as i want to help a stranger on the internetz... i cant do much
(DIR) Post #A4M4tZ2lMwSry2Jfw8 by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-17T05:08:17.073980Z
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@Zezin exactly nobody can do much. professional help only ever made things worse so now what. now i just rot.
(DIR) Post #A4M4tZRvrMb7E65mAS by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T05:30:20Z
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@Sophie how it made things worse? Self awereness? Cracked open all ya fails? Feeling like crap after therapy is normal, from xp. Stopping it prematurely, that doesnt help (also xp)You deem yourself strong enough to grow out of your current situation?
(DIR) Post #A4M7gN6QklTB20Qt84 by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-17T05:36:12.118790Z
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@Zezin I'm not strong enough on my own.And lets see, i was by therapists: yelled at, ignored, forgotten, abandoned and one wanted to see me naked during the session.Hospitals are a joke, not enouhg staff too many patients, 8 months waiting periods to be somewhere where they just dont care enough and just want to go on smoke break or go home. Where you cant talk to a doctor during a crisis because they are never there and are always on call at 3 other wards too. Where the nurses are openly discussing "oh did you hear ward X had another suicide" - "oh i dont care as long as it doesnt happen on my ward during my shift"Doctors constantly push their god ego bullshit on you "it has to be X" where as I already know its not X, its fucking Y and nobody listens and just butters you under. Its easier to drug you to become complacent than it is to actually fix the underlying issues.All they want is for me to become a functioning cog in the capitalist world and not for me to get better. In my 15 years of trying to find a place that helps i have never found one.
(DIR) Post #A4M7gNUBKST6DfXr9M by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T06:01:34Z
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@Sophie holy crap... if you are not exagerating things are bad over there...Hm, from what a saw here, even if u r spewing a little of schizoid shit u seam self aware enough. And such a good gasp that u r being coherent even talking about those topicsU got time, and i think you will be fine... only time will tell...But while we are at it, just enjoy your stay a little more. There is joy in your life... if it hasn't you wouldnt be alive rn.Just keep pushing ahead
(DIR) Post #A4N6UTKHsoKw3udUo4 by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-17T06:23:50.978660Z
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@Zezin I aint got no time and if anything i undersold how little the oh so helpful professional health society cares for me.There was a doctor who I ran in to a long time ago who gave me a bogus diagnosis for something i didnt have so he could make stuff up for his doctors degree at the time. He moved up and was the head honcho of the ward i was in last year and he was just as abusive and manipulative as before, keeping me in hell and flat out ignoring my pleads. All I could do was keep my head down and try to survive it because if you acted out any tiny bit you get medicated against your will. That's why im never going back to a hospital, I'd rather die. I don't know how i survived it but ive lost more of myself thanks to it. More trauma more bs in life.My last therapist told me she couldn't do anything for me in a crisis and i was like "ooookaaaay i dont want any more appointments then" and got ready to kill myself -- gf dropped everything and rescued me. Therapist said i could always come back and i did because I'd rather drink poison than die of thirst it seems. But even though she told me "you can always call me, my door is always open for you" that was a fucking lie and she told me she no longer can work with me.There literally is no help for me. I need to fix myself or die.
(DIR) Post #A4N6UTmICgjpSljrSS by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T17:22:54Z
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@Sophie so you already have half of the answer... now, how do you fix yourself is a thing only you can figure out.on a side note, If you don't want to keep feeling like a cog, there is no human out of the "social contract" between the state and the people. The best you can do is not do your part of the contract. Don't give up your liberties, stop paying taxes and stop consuming.If you cant handle that, it's better just make the most out of your state, because nobody cares about you think...
(DIR) Post #A4N6iFVU3mizFwRUp6 by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-17T17:25:25Z
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@Sophie ... and very few people care about how you feel, and if you keep isolating / puting masks, the situation won't get better.as a sider note: fuck, at lest I expected that your mental healthcare was reasonable... but i guess not.You burgers can get everything from the government handed on a silver plate, so don't get surprised when your ass comes on it
(DIR) Post #A4NxpJ6OO0tY0KxNc8 by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-18T03:18:26.117058Z
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@Zezin good point, nobody cares or wants to know what i feel so i might as well kill myself or at least try to again. I don't have a point in life if i can't connect or feel like people care. That's the situation I'm in now with my dad who pretends I'm an object he owns and can do anything he wants with my things because personal property? What's that? Is his house so everything inside it is his property. I don't want any more of that, i have gone through extreme lengths to escape this before and was put in the hospital which only made it worse and the only place i could go back to was back in to the (closed uncaring) arms of my abusive dad. Nobody in my family thinks my suicide attempt mattered so... What's so great about a life of all the same shit i had with my "family"?
(DIR) Post #A4NxpJYOhtIRPC3kGW by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-18T03:20:33Z
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@Sophie if you aint happy get the f out. If you can't you will have to suck it up.You are sick, and I don't think that's a good enough motive to end it all... You still have chances to recover... you. got. time.
(DIR) Post #A4NyWAezeIJcH4a1vk by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-18T03:24:28.687426Z
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@Zezin yes, excellent suggestions except the forces at work here are not something you seem to be familiar with. The power dynamic, the helplessness. You seem to ignore the fact that my only way, the only thing i could do to escape, was to literally kill myself. Don't you think i tried different things before? Fuck you.
(DIR) Post #A4NyWB5a3RaBbX1GN6 by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-18T03:28:18Z
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@Sophie don't act like your situation is unique... and no, killing yourself is not the _only_ answer. you post on a random site wanting and clearly needing help, I'm trying to help you. If you didn't want it, why did you ask on the first place?Fuck meyou still want help sorting this out or you gonna backflip on the rope rn?
(DIR) Post #A4Nz6xmeUClv3Mhr3A by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-18T03:33:17.864441Z
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@Zezin You ableist fuck told an abuse victim to "suck it up". Fuck off
(DIR) Post #A4Nz6y8HBo4M8Qp7ku by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-18T03:34:57Z
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@Sophie It is fucking logical. You are under the lunatic roof, if you want to stay there you have to deal with your dad's bullshit, or get the fuck out. I obviously won't ask you to "suck it up" on the other sense... like everything else.
(DIR) Post #A4NzvttwgF2BmUPGrI by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-18T03:40:26.106116Z
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@Zezin what the tapdancing christ does that even mean. > I obviously won't ask you to "suck it up" on the other senseah so its gaslighting now, "i didnt mean suck it up in that sense" ah yes.. mmh.. nice.
(DIR) Post #A4NzvuIPDIbH0Lqnz6 by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-18T03:44:09Z
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@Sophie oh boy.It's simple. Your father raised you, paid for your shit, and you live there free. If you want to still live there (because there's no alternative) there is nothing you can do besides doing nothing, and just absorbing the crap the your family spews out.Or you move out, can you move with one of your 10 best friends?... I don't even know what gaslighting means gringo
(DIR) Post #A4O0pUKKx5hKgFG0Q4 by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-18T03:50:34.023623Z
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@Zezin gringa. thanks.i pay to live here.i have no other place to go.i have absorbed this crap until i couldnt anymore with my suicide attempt.i dont have any friends that would let me live with them.not knowing what gaslighting is doesn't mean you dont do it.Take a hint.
(DIR) Post #A4O0pUkDOsOjyVMfku by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-18T03:54:10Z
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@Sophie >i pay to live here. holy crap, forget about suicide and end them first......fuck, i don't even know what to say...
(DIR) Post #A4O1OyBBx9aHOxtlbM by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-18T04:00:37Z
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@Sophie well fuck. You can't think right and have plenty of will to just do it... All I can do is hope that a stranger will be still alive tomorrow...
(DIR) Post #A4O2jI5JktaosmP93g by Sophie@pleroma.catgirl.biz
2021-02-18T04:10:03.204264Z
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@Zezin > You can't think rightah yes because I'm the problem in my situation and in this conversation. that was sarcasm btw.What the fuck am I to you, some kind of pet project, some kind of lost puppy to guide back on the path?Honestly, take a look in the mirror.
(DIR) Post #A4O2jIWG8j8yEL0f3I by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-18T04:15:30Z
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@Sophie I just want to be good. Being nice to others patches me up. Simple as that.Maybe I'm am lost after all... meh, I thought this thread was about you
(DIR) Post #A4O4mLHkVoudaNnnXM by Zezin@fosstodon.org
2021-02-18T04:38:11Z
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@Sophie fuck, only now i thought about looking at your bio. It seams you have plenty of people to help you out on your instance. Good for ya.well, see you tomorrow if you want to keep yelling at me