Post A2jiTKXmdw2sEbUrfU by thewk@fosstodon.org
(DIR) More posts by thewk@fosstodon.org
(DIR) Post #A2jgAX4bdRPNgQl3aK by Gina@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T19:01:25Z
3 likes, 1 repeats
Had a moment of realization today that my friends and I are growing apart. It's not just lockdown, it's them starting families and slowly retreating into their family units. Is this the 30+ life? Because it sucks so far.
(DIR) Post #A2jgDOs0ah616uEVf6 by John@4qq.org
2020-12-30T19:01:59Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Gina it can be the 30's life for many
(DIR) Post #A2jgHa0T7ykyo9BQJ6 by 11112011@freespeechextremist.com
2020-12-30T19:02:46.410762Z
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@Gina poor you :hug:
(DIR) Post #A2jgTgT6vbIwKALt4q by nvsr@best-friends.chat
2020-12-30T19:04:50Z
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@Gina man you must have some rich friends if they can afford kids in this day and age. How do they do it?! I'm glad my friends are a bunch of nerds so the chance of them leaving the house and starting a family are rather slim. Surely there's a way of combining the two though? Friendship is a two way street after all.
(DIR) Post #A2jgZgLAJjz7fFUnL6 by gabek@mastodon.social
2020-12-30T19:05:53Z
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@Gina I can totally relate to this.
(DIR) Post #A2jgc9t9Qf51sxZb3Q by Gina@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T19:06:18Z
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@nvsr “kinderbijslag”
(DIR) Post #A2jgfceivgHxyTTbuq by darius@friend.camp
2020-12-30T19:07:01Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Gina Yeah, this happens. You will find people who raise kids who do not simply retreat into family life though, and you should hold on to them.
(DIR) Post #A2jgkLp8wBidDdbZKq by moiety@queer.garden
2020-12-30T19:07:49Z
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@Gina oof, yeah this is kinda rough unfortunately :blobcatcry: Us not family having 30+ers should band together :meowgiggle:
(DIR) Post #A2jgoFtmuPE607dhAm by nvsr@best-friends.chat
2020-12-30T19:08:34Z
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@Gina I'd hate to have to rely on government handouts to be able to afford a kiddo of my own. Knowing the government, it might not last. In any case, you could always make new friends somehow!
(DIR) Post #A2jguItkfb132bVSgC by Gina@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T19:09:34Z
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@nvsr you kinda have to nowadays, even if you're solid middle class. And especially for the daycare costs (kinderopvang toeslag)
(DIR) Post #A2jgxvdv4h2i4epUjw by nvsr@best-friends.chat
2020-12-30T19:10:20Z
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@Gina I wonder if they'll give it to me if I act like a child 🤔
(DIR) Post #A2jhDqyGDEluDYwAyW by redoak@social.coop
2020-12-30T19:13:10Z
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@Gina 30-something kid-haver here. this isn't always an intentional snub, but the extra work of raising kids makes it more difficult to have the same level of energy and attention for those outside relationships, and it can really suck on this side of the equation too. i still try to keep in touch with friends when i can, but i'm super grateful when they're able to reach out and send messages my way; doubly so if they're patient & understanding about slow replies.
(DIR) Post #A2jhFRGOlNVh4CB2qu by sotolf@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T19:13:31Z
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@John @Gina Yeah, in my experience as well it's at least a part of it.
(DIR) Post #A2jhGwPURj2dxK97R2 by nathand@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T19:13:46Z
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@Gina Yes-ish. I have plenty of DINK friends (dual-income, no kids). The problem is, many of them are getting to the point where they're looking forward to the future and stability and that usually means family.I mean, it's what my wife and I did.
(DIR) Post #A2jhPC5g1xPku8oWdU by DaD@mastodon.etalab.gouv.fr
2020-12-30T19:15:09Z
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@Gina it's only a fraction of time in our lives.A friend having a baby will spent most of the time taking care of that new human. But you can be present. Say you're here if they need, laugh when time is good, help when things get not fun.The link between friends does not broke, or more correctly I don't want it to broke, so I'm here, not invading neither fading.A respectful distance for them to build what they want without breaking what we built together.🤗 💪
(DIR) Post #A2jiTKXmdw2sEbUrfU by thewk@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T19:27:14Z
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@Gina I guess it is, same here for me...
(DIR) Post #A2jijCqb1hlkztrmbY by klaatu@mastodon.xyz
2020-12-30T19:30:05Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Gina Yes. And once they have kids, they make new friends with other people with kids. And you won't have anything to talk to them about, because all they want to talk about is kids.Check back in with them once their youngest kid is 8 years old. That seems to be when things stabilize enough that your friends will regain some independence. It's pretty weird but I guess it's the way things go. Humans tend to reproduce, for some reason.
(DIR) Post #A2jjLAvGdADA249khc by rarepublic@mastodon.social
2020-12-30T19:36:54Z
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@GinaI feel you :cwy: ~25 y/o and what you just described already begins for me.Friends getting married, having kids, building houses, focusing on families, moving away, etc. .... All of that takes a ton of time, time taken away from maintaining friendships.COVID-19 made it even more obvious.
(DIR) Post #A2jjUM96GyMlRk0KlE by Gina@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T19:38:36Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@rarepublic yeah covid also laid painfully bare who's willing to put in the work and who's not. It's good to know, but painful as well.
(DIR) Post #A2jjrXO0eB8Gy7220O by thor@pl.thj.no
2020-12-30T19:42:52.309502Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@Gina mood
(DIR) Post #A2jkG82S1h13arfqcq by paulgatling@bsd.network
2020-12-30T19:47:10Z
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@GinaThis seems relevant
(DIR) Post #A2jkjXPWlvfagLUWBs by drwho@hackers.town
2020-12-30T19:52:33Z
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@Gina I'm kind of afraid it is. It seems to start right after marriage. Plus it's way harder to make new friends.
(DIR) Post #A2jlauYpQoG9pQIAam by rberlim@mastodon.social
2020-12-30T20:02:12Z
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@Gina You know Gina, true friends will always be there, even if you don't see they as often as you used too. colleagues, in the sense of people with whom you work or idk, your exercise with, on the other hand, they end up really moving away. I had colleagues from my past job who went to my wedding and today I have no more news. But I have friends I meet (or used to pre-pandemic) personally once or twice a year, but who are always there.
(DIR) Post #A2jmUGwvtMm7C1xse0 by kensanata@octodon.social
2020-12-30T20:12:11Z
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@Gina Yeah, I can relate. A lot of friends with children will always bring their children along, or always talk about their children, or can’t come because of the children. But there are also people where found solutions. They have alternating “days off” to do what they want so we can meet them individually, but rarely. Or we can visit them at their place when the kids go to bed. Eat dinner and play a board game with the whole family, the the kids go to bed and we talk
(DIR) Post #A2jmpHqFlmeU2drRdQ by sandzwerg@chaos.social
2020-12-30T20:15:59Z
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@Gina yeah probably partly, but my friends with families still like me to keep in touch. You just have to do other things with them. On the other hand I more or less always enjoyed coming over and talking with them. Bonus points if you like to entertain the kids or help in the household as well.
(DIR) Post #A2jnPuhalW70zQH5vc by SharksOnCoffee@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T20:22:37Z
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@Gina sadly, you can still feel lonely even with kids, because you never get to see any other adults due to kids.Getting the balance right is difficult.
(DIR) Post #A2joGZiXW5sNFqpSCW by sexybiggetje@mastodon.social
2020-12-30T20:32:07Z
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@GinaIt sounds easy, but make new friends.Relationships change. True friends stay. The rest, don't bother
(DIR) Post #A2jomPNXUVzgSMBYWm by gekitsu@toot.cat
2020-12-30T20:37:53Z
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@Gina yeah, with some friendships, that seems to be how it went for me. it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the friendship, but their life runs differently now and it has an impact.one friend especially was pretty drastic – he used to lament about how a mate of both of us turned from a completely chaotic lad who’d do the craziest shit on the spur of the moment for no better reason than the hell of it, to the stereotypical domestic husband. wife puts him down in front of friends for the remaining quirks he exhibits, and life revolves around the house/family/kids now. said lamenting friend & his partner just had their second kid and they’re planning to move from the big city to a rural family house. ;)on the other hand, my best friend (who i share depths of nerdery and awkwardness with) got married and nothing much changed.but all in all, i really get the pangs of realisations. especially when you just don’t see that life in your future at all. even though you might have the best reasons, it’s hard not to feel like you’re ‘doing it wrong.’
(DIR) Post #A2jsVAJIf4ZWcHEgjI by ajmartinez@social.librem.one
2020-12-30T21:19:34Z
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@Gina the 30+ bit can certainly be part of it, and in some ways it can surely suck. There are, at least in my experience, other things gained in the process. Always helps me to acknowledge, even for a moment, the upsides.
(DIR) Post #A2jv3JIbwmyqFVK5Qm by groovestomp@social.linux.pizza
2020-12-30T21:48:08Z
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@Gina this is true from the other side as well!I didn't have much of a social life before kids. After kids it slowed to a trickle, and with covid...At least I have family at home! :-)Parenthood is a strange beast, I will say that much.
(DIR) Post #A2jz09nfCxVfjgbELQ by kosmoplan@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T22:32:25Z
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@Gina et allMine too. All have kids, own flat, and a pretty settled life in general. For good or bad, that feeling is something I've experienced more and more every time I've come back home for Christmas. Last time, in 2019, I remember thinking I was as updated after meeting them as I was before meeting them - all the time had vanished playing with kids, trying to avoid them causing a mess in the pub, etc. It felt bad, but I guess I chose this when I left Spain.
(DIR) Post #A2jz3mCYt8WThlyHFg by kosmoplan@fosstodon.org
2020-12-30T22:33:05Z
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@Gina Mine too. All have kids, own flat, and a pretty settled life in general. For good or bad, that feeling is something I've experienced more and more every time I've come back home for Christmas. Last time, in 2019, I remember thinking I was as updated after meeting them as I was before meeting them - all the time had vanished playing with kids, trying to avoid them causing a mess in the pub, etc. It felt bad, but I guess I chose this when I left Spain.
(DIR) Post #A2k04J32rjYXWyKvBI by joaopinheiro@libranet.de
2020-12-30T22:43:43Z
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@Gina Yes, I think that, from outside, that might be it. From the perspective of those who are focusing on their families, they have so much to care for and so much to think about that there is little time for friends. It might look like something sad, but it isn't. It's just life going its own way.
(DIR) Post #A2k542UIw6RnwNmLDM by berry@mastodon.radio
2020-12-30T23:40:18Z
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@Gina Hi Gina, I found this happens when your friendship group is in a single age cluster. Best to start making friends based on interest rather than age (spread the age range). It's hitting you now and will repeat in your older years as people move away to retire or die.
(DIR) Post #A2k60Stiu0uQe5Wmh6 by krmh@social.tchncs.de
2020-12-30T23:50:53Z
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@Gina that's it most times :-) there'll be New friends and circles around every micro cosmos. but the best friends you have will never leave you alone though you might see each other only a few times a year :-)
(DIR) Post #A2k8cdmz3b1VKwhsfo by wiecek@point.community
2020-12-31T00:17:49Z
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People come and go. It's time to find new friends.
(DIR) Post #A2kLeLtXrBk7p2vETA by codeHaiku@fosstodon.org
2020-12-31T02:46:10Z
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@Gina I went through the same thing for about 15 years. I found some solace in it and accepted what was happening. Acceptance is liberation. Then you see how better off you are than your friends. More time, more money, more you.
(DIR) Post #A2lJBN1sYRuoBzphKa by TexJoachim@blabber.rocks
2020-12-31T13:49:36Z
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@Gina Yeah. that's just life after having a family.
(DIR) Post #A2lKlSkoqa5SKKcx8K by jeffcliff@shitposter.club
2020-12-31T14:11:04.950868Z
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@Gina it's 30+ lifebut the good news is that you're old enough to see itGetting old is a process by which you lose everything you have, in either a slow drip, or in big chunks. People, your body, your ability to feel joy and enthusiasm, your ability to sleep, your money, everything. But with age also comes the ability to remember what works and what doesn't. What makes you happy, and what hurts you in the long term. And most importantly; you get the ability to choose what paths you take. Opportunities come in the long term that allow you to trade off between things. My father now, whenever he gets a chance to spend time with people takes it. Because he knows full well, at his age every time he sees someone it could be the last. At 20+ you can take people for granted and they'll be there tomorrow, at 30+ they'll probably be there tomorrow but they are redshifting away. At 40+ they redshift way faster. Eventually there's no one left in the observable universe but the box they put you in. But you can choose who gets to spend time with you, who matters to you. You can take it blindly from what your social media machine / social processing unit tells you - that would optimize for climbing the ladder of social success. You can use it the way that George Price did - revolting against your genetics, and going Max Happy. You can use it to watch the markets and Max Coin. But at the end of the day it's up to you where along the possibility frontier you choose to sit, or if you choose a comfortable sub-frontier set of choices.