Post 9neP3LCJg3kYBMAgD2 by garpu@mastodon.social
(DIR) More posts by garpu@mastodon.social
(DIR) Post #9ncH8xxHoj8tswOOqe by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:15:06Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
So being in my 40's I can read statistics. A huge number of men my age and older are incredibly lonely. They have accepted a patriarchal model of masculinity where friends are removed and distanced when you have a spouse or a family. Leaving social connections to your spouse if your straight means when the kids grow up or divorce happens - you are now isolated alone. Loneliness being the core driver for suicide among middle age men.
(DIR) Post #9ncHHodPq8SDaIJmb2 by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:17:24Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
The one single effective method is to have close friends and especially friends of your own gender, bromances.I have a handful of very-very-close-friends. Basically "friends who's genitalia I've seen in a very nonsexual manner" (of both sexes). A sort of siblinghood where you can hug, touch, and share secrets and sadnesses outside of the logic of dual genders and patriarchy. Where my male friends can be sensitive if they want.We need more of this. Not less.
(DIR) Post #9ncHgiYVZxwjyBtfJA by Xian@freeradical.zone
2019-10-05T13:20:30Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyranI'm late 30s, former military. Every one moved away, but I'm still here. I've got my wife and kid, but I don't really know how to make new friends. I don't do bars, I don't follow sports, or any of the other stereotypical "manly" things. I make a damn good hermit though.
(DIR) Post #9ncICdIeeg9Uw6hRqq by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:25:03Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@Xian see this is the thing, treat it like you would a romantic relationship.When finding new friends its like dating, when keeping OLD friends its like we've been taught keeping a long term relationship alive. Invest in it, sometimes you have to be the one who calls first, email your old friends. SAY how much you miss them. How much you wished they where here.We're taught to be embarressed by feelings, then push them down, and when we react, we get shamed for it.
(DIR) Post #9ncIKm89hsoedmfh68 by kungtotte@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:26:13Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran there's so many layers to this it's not even funny. I've been passing for an adult for way longer than I was a child but I'm having to sit my ass down and read and educate myself just to understand my own damned feelings, because it's been hammered out of me for all of my life. Now that I have a kid it's all so much more pressing because I realize how important it is that I get my shit together so I don't perpetuate the cycle with my son.
(DIR) Post #9ncISk8F1OPWl6Vjoe by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:26:27Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@Xian lets be a part of breaking the fekking circle so our sons don't have to! To be the men that value our friends as the confidants, and brothers they are.(a bit drunk and most of my friends are on holiday so a bit weepy, sry :) I miss them)
(DIR) Post #9ncItgbOFm0nd6zb6W by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:27:41Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@kungtotte THIS!!!! So fucking much this! Its our sons generation we need to do this for. So they don't have to!You rock for just investing the energy! <3
(DIR) Post #9ncJInkmnjfb38MaPo by kungtotte@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:28:20Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran I grew up thinking I could only ever be happy, angry, or horny and if I showed any kind of sensitivity or vulnerability it meant I was pejoratively gay and shunned for it. Talk about a catalyst for insecurities when you actually have other feelings but you're forced to suppress them to keep up the facade of masculinity; how masculine can I be if I get shy or scared or sad or disappointed or any of those "girly" feelings? I must be an absolute wretch of a man!
(DIR) Post #9ncJIoN4VOIKxsHA5g by kungtotte@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:30:10Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran I don't want my son growing up with that experience. I will fight tooth and nail so that he can grow up being his true self and finding his own way in this world without society putting a bunch of bullshit down his throat about what it means to be a man and how you're supposed to this or supposed to that.Part of that is getting help for myself and getting away from my own insecurities and toxic masculinity horseshit that I carry in my baggage.
(DIR) Post #9ncJIokT6P0g8RDqYi by kungtotte@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:32:09Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran which isn't made any easier by society's view on mental health and mental care, especially when it comes to men talking about it. It's socially acceptable at least for women to seek counseling, even if society still has a crummy view about mental health issues, but for a man to stand up and say "Yeah I've been talking to a psychologist because I've been feeling sad/insecure/vulnerable"? Forget about it.Men deal with their own shit on their own time.
(DIR) Post #9ncJIp4ftHAn96fz3Q by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:38:19Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@kungtotte <3 is basically my only comment.Protip: talk to your dad when you're both drunk. Talk about this. Mine was.... well he was an alcoholic, nice one but also selfmedicating to avoid his phobias and not very accessible but if you can, try talking to your dad about it.We deserve to be able to show love and sadness to each other without shame <3
(DIR) Post #9ncJQczmgQqU066ucy by jackiemoon@mastodon.xyz
2019-10-05T13:33:18Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@Xian @kungtotte if you break it down @ohyran , all you are saying is:alcohol is the solution.fully agree on that!
(DIR) Post #9ncJdjSvwGddpdzenQ by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:41:13Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@jackiemoon @Xian @kungtotte it isn't, man. If we where friends IRL I would explain it better first drunk, then next morning sober <3We're taught to be alone, and see some kind of dumb pride in it - while at the same time we yearn for touch, familiarity and love.We deserve MORE than the shitsandwich society tells us we deserve just because we're men.
(DIR) Post #9ncKg6K41nvTFrXQYq by kungtotte@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T13:47:50Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran last year we went to visit my paternal grandfather's grave (we were at a wedding in the church so we stopped by to pay our respects). It was the first time I went there, second time my dad ever went there, and he was overflowing with emotions because every second word out of his mouth was profanity. He never talks like that otherwise.And I couldn't fucking say anything to him about it! Up yours, society!
(DIR) Post #9ncLLwPlFxnCgi9bZw by jackiemoon@mastodon.xyz
2019-10-05T13:47:06Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran @Xian @kungtotte objection!drunk jens is not equal sober jens.science fact!
(DIR) Post #9ncLqlloshv6eWAhm4 by ChrisWere@linuxrocks.online
2019-10-05T13:54:01Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran @kungtotte I've always been lucky enough to live in a community that let's men have feelings, but with the decline of a lot of social spaces, it is difficult to do social things through your middle-age that aren't family orientated.
(DIR) Post #9ncM9fBVahFxjICFtI by Xian_@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T14:10:23Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran I'm in my 20's and I only have one friend of this sort. I guess I'll discover more as time goes, but I have a really hard time with people I'm general :/
(DIR) Post #9ncnn5bTztEFirN14i by garpu@mastodon.social
2019-10-05T14:56:29Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran I'd argue that broship, friendship with guys, etc, is also a casualty of toxic masculinity. :(
(DIR) Post #9ncnx0kGumgJYDDDeq by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-05T19:06:58Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@garpu I'd disagree. Friendship with people of our own gender and other genders is, as men, relegated to some sort of second fiddle role where we are taught that its childish and then - our friendships disappear when we get older.My point is to take it for what it is and be honest about our relationships in terms of emotions instead of seeing them as a means to an end.
(DIR) Post #9nd0CNWfhLVbztweRM by garpu@mastodon.social
2019-10-05T21:41:16Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran Yeah, not disagreeing.
(DIR) Post #9ndnh3STFs7gUPEmK8 by ohyran@fosstodon.org
2019-10-06T06:55:47Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@garpu (sry I was kinda hammered yesterday :/ )
(DIR) Post #9neP3LCJg3kYBMAgD2 by garpu@mastodon.social
2019-10-06T13:54:25Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@ohyran No worries. I wasn't clear, either. I think we're arguing the same thing. Or "Argreeing," as my BIL puts it.