Post 9nJ8GP3d5hRfMEvNMu by mkhl@pleroma.site
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 (DIR) Post #9nJ8GP3d5hRfMEvNMu by mkhl@pleroma.site
       2019-09-26T07:37:34.337164Z
       
       0 likes, 1 repeats
       
       It starts with a bad mood. Maybe you know what caused it. Maybe it just struck. It doesn't matter. You don't feel good, and you notice.You don't notice how part of you blames yourself for it, for feeling bad, and how you start punishing yourself in some tiny way.You skimp on personal hygiene or grooming. You reuse clothing for too long. You consume things you know you shouldn't. For some people this might be sugar, or caffeine, or spicy food, or legumes, or lactose, or alcohol. You skip out on meeting a friend. On exercise. On your hobby. You stay up too late. You work somewhere that's bad for your posture. You leave a mess somewhere you notice. You don't pet the dog.In those moments you feel like doing these things, or not doing them. But you don't feel good about them. Now you have more reason to unconsciously punish yourself. You do. You feel more and more like you deserve this. Less and less human.In front of other people, you wear a mask. You don't feel like talking about how you feel. It's so automatic you don't even notice. Everybody wears masks all the time anyway, right?At some point you notice the pattern, and you try to break out of the downward spiral. You take time. You practice self-care. You build good habits. It's work, and it requires attention, but part of you knows it's worth the effort.And you start feeling… not better but… less bad? Bit by tiny bit.But you can't spend all of your energy on self-care, and habits aren't perfect. Life happens. Something slips. Your attention lapses. Your virtuous cycle gets dented.Suddenly you're back on the way down. Because you remember. Because it always stayed with you. Because without conscious intervention, we don't do what helps. We do what we used to do. Because punishing yourself has long become a habit too.And the farther you go, the harder it becomes to intervene.Hopefully you'll notice sooner this time.Hopefully you'll have enough energy to get out.