Post 9j7rJFrf1VhTumYPrM by NeoAJ@knzk.me
(DIR) More posts by NeoAJ@knzk.me
(DIR) Post #9j7rGLMw6MAe7MnKym by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:32:45Z
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All right, so this is the story of how I became a legend in the Mormon community, and how I found out about it.
(DIR) Post #9j7rGbJcoR1rZjMv2W by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:33:59Z
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So this happened while in university, before I was even an egg. I lived near one of the busy streets in town and did most of my grocery shopping there. One day, I was coming out with like four bags worth of stuff and these two Mormon missionary girls are standing there, trying to spread the word and junk.
(DIR) Post #9j7rHDzR1R3HWPDqU4 by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:35:19Z
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Now, I don't know what about the 6'4" person weighed down with all the groceries of the house screamed "soft target" but the blonde missionary approached me and asked me in one of the purest British accents "Excuse me do you have time to talk about our faith?"
(DIR) Post #9j7rHaRXXcbb9wXbLU by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:37:09Z
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In my head, I'm like, "Nope." So I try to walk away, but she persists. So I say "OK, you are clearly from England. Who is your favorite football team?""Pardon?""Football club? Who do you support?"She is caught off-guard and stammers. "Um, well, I guess I support Manchester United."I hate Manchester United. "Oooh sorry, that's the wrong answer." I go to leave again. But she is persistent.
(DIR) Post #9j7rIOJ69HYtoEyZ84 by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:38:36Z
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She is not going to leave me alone, asking me about faith again. I sigh and drop my bags to the sidewalk. She asks me what I believe. I have a vague idea that I used back in the day to finally get out of going to church. So I start going off.
(DIR) Post #9j7rIObB441WiJR0JE by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:40:14Z
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I describe how Earth is God's testing grounds, and how if you're really good you go to heaven, and if you're really bad, you go to hell, but everyone else steps up to a wheel of fortune in the afterlife and takes a spin. If you're lucky you get reincarnated as a human and get a chance to live your life again. More than likely, you're going to spend a few hundred turns as various insects. And you get points for your deeds. Kinda like the Good Place before it was a thing.
(DIR) Post #9j7rJFrf1VhTumYPrM by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:42:05Z
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She's confused as hell, but she's still pressing to make the sale. She's asking me what my version of heaven is like."It's pretty much like here, only everything's shiny and there's unlimited pizza."She's trying real hard, asking if I could see a seven kingdoms of heaven sort of deal. I guess it's a Mormon thing."Sure. There's gotta be a place for the people who like Hawaiian pizza, the people who like works, the people who like calzones. whatever"
(DIR) Post #9j7rJJnYOinA7CfC0u by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:43:31Z
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Eventually, I gotta get home. Ice cream is starting to melt. And she still isn't giving up. So she keeps pressing if I could see the Mormon vision of heaven."Nope, my vision of heaven is that liquor store down the street, where I am stopping on the way home."That put an end to that, and I finally am allowed to depart with my groceries in peace.
(DIR) Post #9j7rJZW3xWJ8rabRyK by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:44:45Z
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A few months later, I start dating this girl I met at a bar. One day, I tell her this same story about how I repelled some Mormons.She just stares and points at me, exclaiming, "YOU'RE THE CRAZY PERSON!!!"
(DIR) Post #9j7rKTz40smPzkbOwy by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:46:12Z
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I am confused. She has a friend who is Mormon. Her mormon friend told her about the two missionaries from Britain who exasperatedly told the church about their day on that busy street and the crazy person who tried to convert them to their own religion and how they narrowly resisted and escaped. It was such a harrowing tale that it spread outside the Mormon community, and eventually back to me.
(DIR) Post #9j7rN8vujhIhZlOiRs by NeoAJ@knzk.me
2019-05-24T04:47:39Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
And that is how I became a legend in the Mormon community as a trickster trying to temp the young missionaries away from their work and down the path of unlimited pizza and alcohol.