Post 9hARLknERAzxT1vJqq by flip@toot.institute
(DIR) More posts by flip@toot.institute
(DIR) Post #9hACZyJdSUpW9HOxxQ by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:00:53Z
1 likes, 1 repeats
In your experience, what does it take for a person to truly change? Not for a week, not for a month, but actually changing.
(DIR) Post #9hACkG4SIfmA6xCqsC by efi@chitter.xyz
2019-03-26T13:02:44Z
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@viciousviscosity from a nanosecond to a billion aeons
(DIR) Post #9hACq7fYRy8jn8M6b2 by hfrazey@mspsocial.net
2019-03-26T13:03:47Z
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@viciousviscosity A "holy shit" moment. Here's a great book about it: https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sh-Moment-lasting-instant-ebook/dp/B07DQDTHPJ
(DIR) Post #9hACrvfm1WrbAFJrUG by eloisa@masto.pt
2019-03-26T13:04:07Z
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@viciousviscosity a fucked up diagnosis. Not as in misdiagnosis, the disease being really fucked up...
(DIR) Post #9hACyvMHah9EDTXQMS by jessmahler@wandering.shop
2019-03-26T13:05:23Z
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@viciousviscosity A lot of weeks and months.Every change starts as being for a day, for a week, for a month. Every change involves a lot of backsliding, falling off the wagon, etc. But if you/they keep trying, then eventually you get enough days/months/weeks in a row to say that this is your new normal and the occasional backslide is an aberration.So you decide you want to be more patient. You work on it hard for a day, for two, the third day you can't manage it.
(DIR) Post #9hACzcX54QKq7Pv9f6 by MmeLibertine@elekk.xyz
2019-03-26T13:05:30Z
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@viciousviscosity Real, genuine, careful introspection over a prolonged period of time. If they can't keep that effort up, they won't put any REAL effort into making that change. ime, anyway.
(DIR) Post #9hAD6lANMuOcvHhmHA by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:06:49Z
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@eloisaA proper diagnosis of something quite terrible?
(DIR) Post #9hADA6obKqZIvz7KDI by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:07:25Z
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@hfrazeyThis is intriguing… thanks for sharing 😃
(DIR) Post #9hADOeCrz2L6YAOvdA by jessmahler@wandering.shop
2019-03-26T13:08:15Z
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@viciousviscosity The fourth day, you pick yourself up and start trying again.After repeating this a dozen times, you can manage to be patient and not lose it for a week at a time. After a year, you can go a month without losing patience with someone or something. Some folks would say that at this point patience is your new normal, that you have changed, and the occasional impatience is an aberration in your new normal. But if you wanted to keep working at building your patience, you could
(DIR) Post #9hADXpTXSIlM6dZm6q by Jenkar@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:11:40Z
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@viciousviscosity in lighter tones, social surroundings have a huge effect on people over a long period of time- they set up the tone for what's felt as ok, what's felt as normal and... what's felt as not
(DIR) Post #9hADrtM6jryvvpfPEm by eloisa@masto.pt
2019-03-26T13:15:17Z
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@viciousviscosity yes.For example, I used to be a control freak. in 2016 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis which is one hell of a chronic neurodegenerative disease. Not only am I going to lose stuff that makes me, me, it's completely random. The next relapse could lesion my brain in the speech area or just keep attacking my mobility.
(DIR) Post #9hAEg3wpdBGVGKleFs by eloisa@masto.pt
2019-03-26T13:15:40Z
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@viciousviscosity They also don't have a schedule. They happen when they happen. There's no cure, the treatments don't make the lesions stop wtf they fucked up - at best, the meds will give you a 30% delay of your next lesions. Which can still come whenever. Triggers are diverse... So far I nailed mine to heat and stress.Planning doesn't go well with this. I can be ok right now and really bad within an hour.
(DIR) Post #9hAEg45h6EM1houj4K by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:24:23Z
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@eloisaWow, I can only imagine how that feels and completely understand how that roulette wheel would make you change. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.♥️
(DIR) Post #9hAEiEGeEYjjqb4MkK by starbreaker@mastodon.sdf.org
2019-03-26T13:24:45Z
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@viciousviscosity They have to decide FOR THEMSELVES that the way they are doesn't work FOR THEM any longer. People never change purely for others, and expecting people to change for your sake is a waste of time and effort.
(DIR) Post #9hAEq0U7MTuJPx4vey by eloisa@masto.pt
2019-03-26T13:26:11Z
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@viciousviscosity yep, it's a total roulette!You're welcome. :blobblush:
(DIR) Post #9hAEyK9k6kCukBVwXY by eloisa@masto.pt
2019-03-26T13:16:04Z
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@viciousviscosity It's the most unpredictable thing I've ever lived and, as a control freak in ... uh? recovery? xD It's one of the toughest things I had to go thru, and it DID change me. It had to. I had to. Fake it till you make it kinda deal. It wasn't easy. There was an initial phase where t was. The shock bit. Afterwards it was and still is, a process. Not one I embarked in voluntarilySame for a ton of other "small things" but this is the example I think it's easier to explain. :blobpats:
(DIR) Post #9hAEyKIbZnIRBff1M0 by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:27:37Z
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@eloisaIt's encouraging to know Fake it Till you Make it has worked. 😄I understand about the small things, it's rarely any one thing, though a single moment can be the spark that changes direction.
(DIR) Post #9hAF68iYWHdfaJWa00 by eloisa@masto.pt
2019-03-26T13:29:06Z
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@viciousviscosity yeah! I was always skeptic about that one, but it really does work!Maybe not always, but it did with me. Then again, I never felt like I had any other choice, either...It's complicated. ^^;
(DIR) Post #9hAF9m7UToH8envAbQ by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:29:44Z
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@MmeLibertineGosh, that is the mountain to surpass, isn't it?
(DIR) Post #9hAFHqTQB0uQTc1kCe by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:31:14Z
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@jessmahlerConsistent, small steps in the right direction, with room for failure. Self grace seems to be a necessity.Thank you. ☺️
(DIR) Post #9hAFW9zgOgkt4WwX8S by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T13:33:48Z
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@starbreakerI can see the wisdom there.I've heard a few, "You make me want to be a better person.", but I haven't seen as many actual changes.
(DIR) Post #9hAFhzVxBZ6Y2sg9hY by starbreaker@mastodon.sdf.org
2019-03-26T13:35:53Z
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@viciousviscosity I didn't adopt #leftist views because people shamed me for holding #libertarian opinions. I changed because being a #libertarian no longer made sense to me, because I figured out that #libertarian ideology was nothing but a fig leaf for plutocracy, and I wanted no part of that bullshit.
(DIR) Post #9hAFnCoDBUd8j2hnVI by jessmahler@wandering.shop
2019-03-26T13:36:53Z
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@viciousviscosity You're welcome. Good luck!
(DIR) Post #9hAI0XvOBgprt6YGMy by thraeryn@thraeryn.net
2019-03-26T14:01:40Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
@viciousviscosity People are rocks.A particularly hard moment can shatter them, leaving only pieces that remind others of their original shape.Time can slowly smooth the sharper edges from a person without changing or breaking who they are. Only time, focus, and a steady, consistent hand can genuinely give a rock a new, considered form.
(DIR) Post #9hARLknERAzxT1vJqq by flip@toot.institute
2019-03-26T15:46:23Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
@viciousviscosity actual distance from your abusers and a moment to reflect and then years to process and adjust
(DIR) Post #9hARX8pnOOXfDQYKrg by kemonine@social.holdmybeer.solutions
2019-03-26T14:53:25.269378Z
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@viciousviscosity Direct positive effects in their life or their willingness to see others situations as valid.
(DIR) Post #9hARX94gV2S3xbWE4W by krozruch@eupublic.social
2019-03-26T15:45:40Z
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@kemonine @viciousviscosity I may be a little more pessimistic on this point. It's a matter of perspective and I agree with the above to a degree, but I have seen few situations where people have changed without a change in their environment. I have seen plenty of people who wanted to change but couldn't make it stick. I don't know the context of the question, which is fine, but where people ask such a question because they have been let down x times, I tend to be on the side of cut your losses.
(DIR) Post #9hATnWORliQip8hOee by antonlopez@mastodon.social
2019-03-26T16:13:49Z
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@viciousviscosity Revelation of sufficiently convincing new information?
(DIR) Post #9hATo0Rg2Gq61qROr2 by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T16:13:52Z
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@krozruchAs with any relationship, it's a matter of give and take. If there's a fairly well balanced ratio if give.and take, the relationship is balanced and pleasant. There are some times one will be more strained than the other, but there is that eventual return to homeostasis.In my experience, when it becomes too lopsided, with empty promisies of change, it's time to reevaluate. @kemonine
(DIR) Post #9hAUH8Llj1CswVZBNg by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T16:19:04Z
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@flipHaving a nurturing or at least, non-abusive, environment absolutely is key for positive change.
(DIR) Post #9hAURxw8mXztpckCjQ by mwlucas@bsd.network
2019-03-26T16:21:05Z
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@viciousviscosityDepends on the change, and why.A new physical habit can be established in 30 days.A change of heart? People can live a lifetime ignoring what would lead to it. But once they have it, the change depends on their resources and environment.Multiple decades after epiphany, I'm still digging at the racism, sexism, and homophobia Kid Lucas immersed in. I have achieved "sucks less" but I don't think I'll ever be suck-free.
(DIR) Post #9hAVWJgnwqCGPPD2zg by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T16:33:08Z
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@antonlopezFor a few, perhaps. I know far too many people who have been presented with, "here, this behavior/activity *is* going to cause significant discomfort and eventually early death." And while they don't dispute the evidence, they do not change. 🤷🏼♀️
(DIR) Post #9hAW0JXv2sGieTMDNQ by antonlopez@mastodon.social
2019-03-26T16:38:19Z
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@viciousviscosity Maybe that's not sufficiently convincing for making the change, i.e. they think "it's not worth it" (that's more like what I meant), or maybe their current status is stronger than them, without external help. It should be reviewed case by case... just guessing!
(DIR) Post #9hAWo4iCTMXt7itUCu by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T16:47:32Z
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@antonlopezI think it comes down to self love and self grace in those scenarios. Some people are self destructive because they don't love themselves.
(DIR) Post #9hAX6LsJOoqJZBL3lg by antonlopez@mastodon.social
2019-03-26T16:50:50Z
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@viciousviscosity Absolutely.
(DIR) Post #9hAYyT0NCpoLGtTeIy by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T17:11:49Z
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@mwlucasIt's a gradual process. I don't think it ever "finishes", but there are milestones. I know I have a lot of baggage from childhood, and the selfish actions of others, and it takes time to put that down, to scrape those layers, and it's not a simple or painless experience.With what you have shared, you show me that yes, it's possible to be a tech curmudgeon AND a kind, vulnerable, realistic human being.
(DIR) Post #9hAZpWcMVLSrp9Xve4 by mwlucas@bsd.network
2019-03-26T17:21:24Z
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@viciousviscosity Bah! Everything is terrible, including me. :flan_curmudgeon:
(DIR) Post #9hAb2ArGojGa3a7BPU by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T17:34:54Z
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@mwlucasThat's exactly what a kind, thoughtful, tech curmudgeon would say! 😁
(DIR) Post #9hAb7Pogd7JDtgPD0K by mwlucas@bsd.network
2019-03-26T17:35:18Z
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@viciousviscosity :flan_molotov: :flan_laugh:
(DIR) Post #9hAbEot9oKcBgT1lCK by feoh@cybre.space
2019-03-26T17:37:12Z
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@viciousviscosity A deep, *deep* seated desire to make that happen as well as the discipline and willpower to work at said change Every Single Day, possibly for years, until it happens. It's not a bit you flip. It's more like a muscle you build, over time, with patience and more than a little bit of loving self care and compassion.
(DIR) Post #9hAcWcLZHNlHx9MnnU by krozruch@eupublic.social
2019-03-26T17:51:29Z
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@viciousviscosity @kemonine Agreed.
(DIR) Post #9hAtWlqBgDEwcPLbqi by viciousviscosity@cybre.space
2019-03-26T21:02:07Z
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@feohSelf love seems to be the key across all shared experiences. It's a good place to start.Thank you.