Post 49480 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
(DIR) More posts by 3_3van@mastodon.social
(DIR) Post #49465 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T21:57:00Z
0 likes, 2 repeats
GRIPHOOK: ah fuck, I left my “shmorah” laying on top of my pile of gold that I stole from good Christian children. The “shmorah” is the goblin book that tells us how to hoard money. every day I thank Jewish god that I have so much fuckin money. (Then he says whatever jk Rowling’s version of “l’chaim” is but I can’t put that in a toot cause it’s probably a slur)
(DIR) Post #49466 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T21:58:13Z
1 likes, 4 repeats
@3_3van HERMIONE: trans women aren’t womenRON: can I have some damn coochie please queen HERMIONE: I think I wanna fuck a house elf
(DIR) Post #49467 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T21:59:47Z
1 likes, 2 repeats
CENTAUR IN THE FOREST: yes... the stars have shown me the way... I believe in qanon now
(DIR) Post #49468 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:01:20Z
0 likes, 2 repeats
@3_3van DUMBLEDORE: I don’t usually fuck with that muggle shit but this Tony Blair has some bangers.
(DIR) Post #49469 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:02:22Z
0 likes, 2 repeats
HERMIONE: I’m reading “hogwarts, a history” written by ayn randRON: may I have some damn coochie please queenHERMIONE: only if you say you’re John Galt
(DIR) Post #49470 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:04:21Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
@3_3van VOLDEMORT: workers of the world unite. Black lives matter
(DIR) Post #49471 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:05:31Z
2 likes, 5 repeats
HERMIONE: I’m Black now actually I was black the whole timeRON: may I have some damn coochie please queenHERMIONE: I’m white again
(DIR) Post #49472 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:06:44Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
@3_3van HAGRID: how did my parents fuck? The geometry doesnt make sense and this universe is usually so physically accurate. Anyway I’m gonna raise a dragon in a log cabin or whatever
(DIR) Post #49473 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:07:55Z
0 likes, 3 repeats
@3_3van HARRY: I’m Harry Potter I’m a big fuckin deal around here. you come here oftenGINNY: I’m your best friends sisterHARRY: let’s fuck
(DIR) Post #49474 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:10:53Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
behind the scenes: when I first read the sixth Harry Potter book I thought “snogging” meant fucking and I was surprised Harry and Ginny kept haveing sex right in front of ron
(DIR) Post #49475 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:12:38Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
@3_3van DUMBLEDORE: I’m canonically gay but only for tony blair
(DIR) Post #49476 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:14:18Z
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ONE OF THE LESSER-KNOWN WEASLEYS, WALKING IN ON THEIR PARENTS HAVING SEX: mom please stopMOLLY: I need more kids
(DIR) Post #49477 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:15:44Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@3_3van MAGRID (Maga HAGRID): My dragon is also a trump guy now I raised him right
(DIR) Post #49478 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:20:11Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
VIKTOR KRUM: I am refugee from communist regime, can western television networks have me on to say healthcare is bad?
(DIR) Post #49479 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:22:11Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@3_3van COLIN CREEVEY: I think I have a bright future as a pornographer
(DIR) Post #49480 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:24:44Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
FLEUR: *multiple French posts that you see on federated*FLEUR: can I get un boozt for these nudes
(DIR) Post #49481 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:26:11Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@3_3van MOLLY: I need more kidsARTHUR: I found a muggle “smart-phone” at work today and let me tell you, this Eric Garland guy has some real zingers
(DIR) Post #49482 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:51:29Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
MOANING MYRTLE: *moans*COLIN CREEVEY: great, that’s a wrap. Do you know who would buy ghost porn?MOANING MYRTLE: oh, probably one of those filthy degenerate goblins down at the bank
(DIR) Post #49483 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:55:33Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@3_3van DRACO: red hair, hand-me down books... you must be a Weasley. Bourgeoisie scum, the Weasleys, keeping all that wealth concentrated in one family. My dad was the leader of ANTIFA
(DIR) Post #49484 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:56:36Z
0 likes, 2 repeats
HERMIONE: Terf is a slurRON: may I have some damn coochie please queen HERMIONE: not until you finish your homework young man
(DIR) Post #1562494 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:10:50Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@3_3van HARRY: hey I’m Harry Potter I’m a big fuckin deal around here. You come here oftenCHO: I’m AsianHARRY: literally what the fuck does that mean. Also wanna have sex?
(DIR) Post #1562495 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:12:53Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
GRIPHOOK: I stan Lana del Rey now. Never heard of her before she started supporting Israel but I have so much gold I stole from good Christian girls and boys that I bought all her albums immediately and a lot of the merch too. Thank Jewish god I have so much fuckin moneyARTHUR: don’t confuse Lana del Rey with Lana del Raytheon, I’ve made that mistake a few times on line.GRIPHOOK: thank you Arthur
(DIR) Post #1562496 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:14:05Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@3_3van HERMIONE: I think I’m gonna start a society to protect house elves now. No not a union those are bad. I’m an objectivist I just support their wage slavery and want to raise awareness
(DIR) Post #1562497 by realtoddhoward@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:14:39Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
@3_3van VAPE APE: anyone got some spare juice? my bike's outta fuel and there are no vape stores to run out of business
(DIR) Post #9iPuIMY1meKCl6fAJ6 by feld@bikeshed.party
2019-05-03T00:43:31.361235Z
0 likes, 0 repeats
@3_3van :bravo: encore please
(DIR) Post #9nMhGfnquYDlAAHy88 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T22:08:50Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
DUMBLEDORE: I had sex with Margaret Thatcher in an airplane bathroom
(DIR) Post #9nMhr0mgNgyiey4LbM by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:19:08Z
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JACOB: I know I’m not supposed to be in Britain in this time period but mister minister, there’s been a muggle sighting of a mythical creature. CORNELIUS: good god, which one?JACOB: big titty AlfCORNELIUS: my god. I’ll call Balem Abrasax.DEADPOOL: they needed a guy to break the fourth wall. Eddie redmayne is playing his character from Jupiter ascending here because the author fell asleep during fantastic beasts and doesn’t want you to judge him. I love dick jokes and I’m deadpool
(DIR) Post #9nMhr1X7b27oyznQzA by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:20:17Z
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@3_3van BIG SPIDER: alright that last YouTube video convinced me. Quanon is real and he’s strong and he’s my friendCENTAUR: good now let’s watch some Pewdiepie
(DIR) Post #9nMhr293K0SysdXj6m by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:24:08Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
LUCIUS: my son, I was the leader of ANTIFA back in the dayDRACO: father, I knowLUCIUS: I want you to have thisDRACO: *tearing up* are these your official ANTIFA robes?LUCIUS: yes my son. weasleys get the wall
(DIR) Post #9nMiRMq9r32tUT1wx6 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:27:48Z
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@3_3van DRACO: please, father, sing me that old lullaby you used to sing when I was a childLUCIUS: we want to thank you for flying with us. We know you coulda stayed home just cried and cussed may all your guns go off if it’s time to bust May all they tanks have time to rust they got the armies turning bullets into gold they got the hookers turning tricks in the cold and every time the police kicks in the door the angel gas break dips in the o and even if a d boy flips him an o it ain’t enough
(DIR) Post #9nMiRNHSDYscr7nkUy by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:30:48Z
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LUCIUS: to buy shit anymore sleep in the doorway piss on the floor it’s finna blow cause they got the tv we got the truth they own the judges and we got the proof we got hella people they got hella copters they got the bombs and we got theDRACO: we got the we got the guillotine we got the guillotine you better run we got the guillotine we got the guillotine you better run LUCIUS: I just spit the dope lines, I don’t snort em tell the boss to get police to escort him you don’t write all them
(DIR) Post #9nMiRNhge1rcAU4hO4 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:36:00Z
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@3_3van LUCIUS: lines you just quote em get offline plug into this modem no you can’t out-vote em the rules is still golden only jewels we hold is if we guardin’ our scrotum if you press your ear to the turf that is stolen you can hear the sound of limitations explodin’ please sir may we have another portion we’re children of the beast that dodged the abortion neck placed firm ‘tween the floor and the Florsheim we’ll shut your shit down don’t call it extortion caution we’re coming for your head
(DIR) Post #9nMiROBSrJgPeq0Tnk by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:38:01Z
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LUCIUS: so call the feds and get files to shred every textbook read said to bring you the bread but guess what we brought you insteadDRACO: (in tears) we got the guillotineNARCISSA: let’s keep it bangin’ like a shotgun they want the war until they’ve got oneALL THREE MALFOYS: hey hey hey
(DIR) Post #9nMiROOw3ESUKcJEnY by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:40:02Z
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@3_3van VOLDEMORT: thank you, Lucius Riley. now let’s discuss our ANTIFA strategy
(DIR) Post #9nMiROadLjoeutma24 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:42:15Z
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GRIPHOOK: sorry kid, but ghost pornos are a dime a dozen and yours ain’t no Swayze. Tell you what, you’ve got a promising career and Adonai has taken care of me money-wise so I’ll give you one thousand sheckles to make the best porn film one thousand sheckles can buyCOLIN CREEVEY: thanks mr goblin man. Also I like your Lana del Ray shirt
(DIR) Post #9nMiROkujW2VQman3Y by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:45:07Z
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@3_3van ARTHUR: hey Molly, check this video outTHAT GUY WHO VOICED THE WHALE GUY FROM BOJACK HORSEMAN: and now, we go live to ex-communist refugee and international sports sensation Viktor KrumVIKTOR KRUM: healthcare is badMOLLY: I want more kids
(DIR) Post #9nMiROzRrTfK9rOOi8 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-21T23:59:41Z
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HERMIONE: I need to name my house-elf society, what’s the worst four-letter word you can think ofSEAMUS: pissHERMIONE: no, worseRON: loveHERMIONE: I am done with your shit Ron. Also the name has to be worse than shit.SEAMUS: what about SPEW?HERMIONE: that’ll do I guess
(DIR) Post #9nMiRPHskwPX5217RY by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:00:35Z
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@3_3van THE PARVATI TWINS: (holding hands like the Grady sisters and walking down the hallway) Try my gooky-gooky! Thank you, come again!
(DIR) Post #9nMiRPXTowt5rPJZku by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:02:39Z
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BIG SPIDER: hello, we were wondering if we could go to the Hall of Prophecies and look for he QAnon prophecyCORNELIUS: yeah everyone’s swamped with this whole big titty Alf buisiness. I’ll give you the keyCENTAUR: thanks man!
(DIR) Post #9nMiRPoqmMmYjHRRpY by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:03:48Z
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@3_3van COLIN CREEVEY: Hey harry can I film you and cho snogging?HARRY: literally who the fuck is cho. Also, okay
(DIR) Post #9nMiRQ0Y4s8jJYun44 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:07:00Z
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ARTHUR: when Lucius Riley said that the only thing dementors love more than sucking souls is sucking dick, I was very offended. Retoot this if you support our boys in black.FLEUR: I agree, have you heard of bofa? ARTHUR: no, what does it mean?FLEUR: BOFA THESE NUTS! WEASLEYS GET THE WALL!
(DIR) Post #9nMiRQK2uNjgI22MSG by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:10:31Z
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@3_3van GRIPHOOK: listen kid, it’s not unique just because one of your stars has never seen an Asian person before. This is a jk Rowling book there’s usually one person of every race except for us filthy goblins who populate the earth like roaches. I’m gonna need you to find me something better and I’m gonna give you one thousand more shekelsCOLIN CREEVEY: I won’t let you down this time mr goblin manGRIPHOOK: I’ve got that summertime summertime sadness
(DIR) Post #9nMiRQYw11e52D0Ff6 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:11:57Z
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DUMBLEDORE: Hermione can you be black again? The parvati twins are using almost all of our racism quotient and the ministry will be knocking any day nowHERMIONE: the ministry is tracking big titty Alf across the countryDUMBLEDORE: how many muggles saw himHERMIONE: we-we don’t know sir
(DIR) Post #9nMiRQot3iPDpgSzWi by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:15:43Z
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@3_3van BALEM: we’ve been all around London with no sign of big titty alf. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go back to running my empire in spaceJACOB: Balem big titty Alf is right behind you DEADPOOL: I love dick jokes
(DIR) Post #9nMiRQzWQAueMfRU6S by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:27:27Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
HERMIONE: ok it’s time for the first meeting of SPEW. Who here loves chattel slaverySEAMUS: I do I love it right quickRON: I’m a chattel slave to your love baby
(DIR) Post #9nMiRREPWop36qPNJI by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:28:46Z
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@3_3van MCGONAGALL: Albus, you know that as a cat animagus, I’m at more danger from big titty Alf than anyoneDUMBLEDORE: get with the times, everyone’s talking about vape ape these days
(DIR) Post #9nMiRRcW5C6YJbgcsq by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:31:00Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
CENTAUR: my god. Row upon row of prophecies, all foretelling arrest dates for different ministry employees. Wainwright, Moody, even Cornelius...BIG SPIDER: let’s break them all
(DIR) Post #9nMiRRw0uhhVI4oCH2 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:32:34Z
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@3_3van DRACO: hey Borgin can I buy some dark magic shit?BORGIN: Hell yeah comrade. Weasleys get the wall
(DIR) Post #9nMiRSHzazHWOF5kX2 by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:34:24Z
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LUPIN: I haven’t been in this story very much because I’ve co-authored a paper with fake doctor Jordan Peterson
(DIR) Post #9nMiRSV6oDm12vEDya by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:36:07Z
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@3_3van SNAPE: am I a good guy? Am I a bad guy. Only one thing I can say: Weasleys get the wall
(DIR) Post #9nMiRSl3quX9qOgxqC by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:37:46Z
0 likes, 1 repeats
MAD EYE MOODY: I’m selling cars now. I’ve gotta be mad to have these prices! Also I hit the campaign trail for our 45th president and I’m running to be your mayor
(DIR) Post #9nMiRT86TExuzrTMky by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:49:09Z
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@3_3van HARRY: It’s so easy to get laid in the castleRON: typical chad behavior. I’ve been redpilled since my last appearanceBALEM: not fair that you people stole that from the Wachowski sisters
(DIR) Post #9nMiRTKrhnApdRRYeG by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T00:58:06Z
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SNAPE: does anyone know where I can get 11 German terrorists on the cheap? I’m Hans Gruber nowMAGRID: as a maga Guy German terrorism is the only kind I support
(DIR) Post #9nMiRTbWhqV8T7ErcO by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T01:02:45Z
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@3_3van DOBBY: oh please, give your clothes to the house elves to free usHERMIONE: gross. is that like a sex thing or something?COLIN CREEVEY: is there a sex thing happening here?
(DIR) Post #9nMiRTq3po7xCC2TGy by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T01:26:17Z
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SEAMUS: well it’s time to go to bed in hogwarts worldHARRY: I’m going to bed with a womanRON: I’ll never be loved DEADPOOL: there’s probably gonna be more stuff for this tomorrow. also I’m living in griffindor dorm now
(DIR) Post #9nMiRU8UjGsA7MfC0O by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T12:21:56Z
1 likes, 2 repeats
@3_3van CENTAUR: well, it was a long night. we finally read every one of the QAnon prophecies in the ministry of magic and know everything there is to know about the wizard deep stateBIG SPIDER: ah shit we missed oneCENTAUR: what does “in exactly ten days Elon Musk will do crack, watch Sorry to Bother You, and tweet out the phrase ‘Steve Lift Mindset’” mean?BIG SPIDER: idk man it sounds important
(DIR) Post #ADviOh0rvfnmWB9cUy by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T12:29:58Z
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VOLDEMORT: hey snape, why are you blonde nowSNAPE: I’m Hans Gruber nowVOLDEMORT: ok that’s a valid choice and I love and respect you. Also abolish ICE
(DIR) Post #ADviOhwIU9jtOI1U0m by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T12:35:25Z
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@3_3van GILDEROY LOCKHART: I’m a YouTuber in this. I’m going to go on the joe rogan show after I burn down every house in my neighborhood
(DIR) Post #ADviOiPMk4zWqRchJw by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T13:37:39Z
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LUPIN: don’t worry if your Patronus isn’t the animal you wanted- it could be any creature in the world. It could be big titty Alf, or maybe a vape ape
(DIR) Post #ADviOirj2dg0GOtLWa by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T18:22:39Z
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@3_3van HERMIONE: alright second meeting of SPEW. Let’s try and get some new membersDEADPOOL: that Colin guy is a bit of a creep maybe he’d like this
(DIR) Post #ADviOjYcT9zIPQxbNo by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T18:35:27Z
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DUMBLEDORE: I know it’s my job to talk to the muggle prime minister but if Corbyn was elected I don’t think I would do it
(DIR) Post #ADviOjyqtcyHinEYGu by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T20:39:36Z
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@3_3van GRIPHOOK: (whatever the JK Rowling version of L’Chaim is) good job, kid. I’ll give you a million shekels for this house elf porn.COLIN CREEVEY: thanks mr goblin man
(DIR) Post #ADviOkQ9G8o15S0Lom by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T20:40:14Z
1 likes, 0 repeats
And then to finish this series that is ostensibly for children, every main character gets killed. The End
(DIR) Post #ADviOkuzPTTYd6QytE by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-26T00:40:57Z
1 likes, 1 repeats
@3_3van VOLDEMORT: Avada kedavraJOHN MCCAIN: *dies*
(DIR) Post #ADviOnQc4rxaPlFGSW by 3_3van@mastodon.social
2018-08-22T20:43:01Z
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@3_3van Remember: anyone can change Harry Potter canon at any time. I now pass this gift to you. Weasleys get the wall.
(DIR) Post #ADvnMoxBw07gKyMR4C by portpupper@social.sakamoto.gq
2021-11-30T15:51:47.259873Z
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@3_3van I want to read this fanfiction.