                              PAIN 

                       Meaning and purpose 
                   in the life of a Christian 


     The experience of pain, in whatever form it takes is 
universal.  Human suffering is one of the world's greatest 
unanswered questions.  Especially during the newness of the 
Christmas season, do we become more and more aware of the mystery 
involved in it.  I'm not writing this article to attempt an 
answer to the suffering question.  I am writing instead, simply 
to share some of my thoughts and experiences on the matter.  
Also, perhaps by examining my mistakes, and efforts in dealing 
with pain, you will have something to fall back on when it comes 
your way ... as it inevitably will. 
     Just by way of background, I was on Cross Fire '75, the team 
to West Africa.  I spent much of the fifteen months we traveled 
in pain, and incredible fatigue.  I never really took it too 
seriously, as most of us were sick regularly.  It became 
frustrating for me, and the entire team though, when my illnesses 
outweighed my healthy times.  The situation reached a crisis the 
final month of team when I just couldn't continue.  I was 
hospitalized at the end of August 1976, and due to the 
persistence of a caring doctor, discovered I was the victim (and 
had been for years) of an incurable, and oftentimes cruelly 
painful disease called Systemic Lupus Erythemetosis.  Lupus for 
short.  The cause, and the cure remain unknown. 
     I remember laying in the hospital in a state of dis-belief.  
My head whirled with questions, but none so prevalent as the 
eternal "why?"  Why me ... why now ... why this?  I was suddenly 
faced with the reality that I would be dealing with pain on a day 
to day basis for the rest of my life.  In the fear that such 
thoughts bring, I began to observe the attitudes toward suffering 
in the people around me.  Most of us view pain as something 
alien, something to eradicate and be rid of as quickly as 
possible.  This attitude may be fine when you deal with ills that 
are temporal, definable, and curable.  But not all suffering 
falls into those categories.  What do we say to those ills and 
accidents that leave their victims permanently disabled, 
disfigured, or mentally incapacitated?  We cannot simply dismiss 
them.  They are real, and difficult, and very much a mystery. 
     When a Christian deals with life situations, we must keep in 
mind the fact that God is a mystery.  He cannot be defined or 
explained by our limited knowledge.  Who hasn't heard someone in 
desperation or grief ask the unanswerable "why?"  And who had the 
power and wisdom to respond?  Once we accept that sometimes there 
are no answers, at least for now, we experience a release of 
those gnawing doubts, and become free to start learning.  When 
there are no answers, only questions for us, we must look to 
Christ, and His example.  Jesus felt.  He hurt and laughed, 
suffered and died as we all must.  He was and is God incarnate, 
sensitive counselor to our despair, as He has felt the very same 
pain we do.  C.S. Lewis, upon the death of a dear friend, wrote 
in his book A Grief Observed: 
     "When I lay these questions before God, I get no answer.  
But, a rather special no answer.  It is not a locked door.  It is 
more like a silent, certainly not unkind gaze.  As though He 
shook His head, not in refusal, but waiving the question.  Like, 
'Peace Child, you don't understand." 
     The enigma of pain reflects the mystery of God.  It begins 
as a journey of trust.  We can choose to accept and deal with our 
frailty, or, like Ivan Dostoevsky stated, "If God offered me 
suffering as a pass through life, I for one would return the 
ticket."  We can face, and even learn from the realities of our 
humanity, or we can run from them. 
     Why must suffering remain a mystery?  I can't give a pat 
answer, but isn't it true that the times we are closest to the 
Lord are those times we have no control?  For me these are also 
the hours of my greatest sensitivity and compassion to those near 
me.  It's only when our efforts to rationalize and eradicate 
seemingly useless pain are gone, and we reach the end of our own 
rope, we see Christ's strength available to us.  If the mystery 
were fully explained, there would be no crisis.  Most of all, 
there would be no need of our faith walk with God.  Pain and 
suffering are not some type of Cosmic Character Builders sent by 
the Almighty.  They are however, used by Him to strengthen and 
cleanse our relationship to Him and to each other. 
     As Christians we believe that God's promises are true.  
Romans 8:28 reminds us that the Lord is ever present and working 
in our trials.  Sometimes this is comforting, but often, the pain 
is still there, and still very hard to cope with.  Just because 
we know we are living a mystery, and God is using it, doesn't 
make it hurt any less.  But so much of our suffering depends on 
our attitude toward it.  It's very human, and necessary I 
believe, to experience fear, anger, self-pity, and even 
bitterness.  We wouldn't be normal if these emotions didn't pass 
through us.  I think so often of one of my African friends, who 
when I reached a high pitched frustration, would always shake his 
head and say, "Kristi, it will pass."  It will pass.  Fear, and 
all of the so-called "negative" emotions that follow it can be 
healthy, normative, and even creative forces in our lives.  A 
well balanced emotional human is capable of them all.  They only 
become evil when we allow them to immobilize and blind us to the 
lessons we could be learning.  Personally, I have chosen to 
concentrate on life, my life as it is now.  I cannot wish the 
pain away, or ignore it.  It has become a very real part of who I 
am.  But what I can do, whether I am suffering or not, is to 
concentrate on the health that exists inside of me.  The 
acceptance of my human condition, in the light of God's promises 
leads to a fresh hope, and a new peace of mind. 
     As I study the Bible, I'm always amazed at the incredible 
sensitivity Jesus has toward us.  We humans, unfortunately are 
much more ego-centric in our view of suffering.  We mean well 
usually, but never quite know what to say or do.  In sharing with 
a person in pain, or dealing with it yourself, it is vital to 
remember that the suffering Christian lives with a constant 
reminder of his/her frailty.  There is no question that God 
heals, likewise there is no question that we don't always 
understand how He does so.  Ours is not a total theology of 
glory.  We live, as Martin Luther puts it, "In the shadow of the 
Cross."  We must take this cross seriously, with all of it's 
implications.  There is no victory without defeat, glory without 
shame, or health without suffering.  For example; I cannot say 
that I have been healed of my disease. (Not yet anyway) I can say 
however, that I have been healed of many other things through my 
disease.  I've never felt as loved as when I discovered I had 
Lupus.  I saw Christ alive through the caring of His church, and 
I experienced firsthand the sensitivity and faith of His 
followers.  Healing with suffering ... victory, in the shadows. 
     I'd like to tell you that I accept and trust at all times, 
but I can't.  I'm human.  When I'm in pain, I'm constantly 
reminded of my mortality.  But, I'm also reminded that in the 
shadow (or light?) of the cross, and God's promise of redemption 
through Christ, there is hope. 
     In closing out my thoughts, I think it's important to 
mention a little bit on the practical side of sensitivity to the 
suffering person.  I believe the most important attitude you can 
take is honesty.  A person is rarely alone in their pain.  If 
there are people around who care, they will be suffering also.  
If you find yourself in that boat, don't be afraid to admit 
you're afraid.  Be honest about your feelings, hurts, and fears.  
If you're angry or confused, talk about it, it helps.  Be 
supportive of the suffering person, but don't pity them.  Let 
them know you care by being yourself, that is after all who they 
love and need.  Accept the ills of those you're dealing with as a 
part of themselves.  A very real part.  Most of all, don't 
underestimate them.  They will fight the pain, fear, and 
desperation hand in hand with you, and with our Lord. 
     I hope some of the things I've talked about will help you in 
your trials.  I hope it helps the next time you hold me, or 
someone like me as they cry.  I hope most of all, you use your 
experience in suffering to grow in sensitivity, and that our God 
will burn into your conscience your need of Him in health as well 
as pain.  This Christmas, may you be guided by the tender 
compassion of our bleeding Savior. 

Kristi Lee Hernmeir 

NOTE:  This article was written by Kristi for the Christmas, 1977 
issue of the National Lutheran Youth Encounter Newspaper.  The 
article was written only a few days before Kristi's death.       
     Permission to reprint the article was given by Pastor Gene 
and Ruby Hernmeir, Kristi's parents. 


