Will you donate something to the Old Ladies' Home?
With please.  Help yourself to my mother-in-law.
@
Yesterday while we were out hunting you almost shot my mother-in-law.
Sorry, here's my gun.  Take a shot at mine.
@
When is your mother coming?
Wednesday of next week.  Why?
I just wanted to find out when I was going.
@
My wife threatened to go back to her mother.  I said:  Is that a 
   threat or a promise?
What's the difference?
If she goes back to her mother, that's a promise.  But if she says
   she's going to bring her mother home -- that's a threat.
@
Where did you get that medal?
I saved a life.
How?
I shot at my mother-in-law and missed her.
@
Why did you break off your engagement, Jack?
Well, we were looking over a flat when her mother remarked that it
  was rather small for three.
@
Turkey -- you know what turkey is?
Uh huh.
You know what you had for Thanksgiving dinner?
Oh, my mother-in-law, but we call her an old buzzard.
@
George, what do you think?  Mother wants to be cremated.
Right!  Where is she?  Tell her to put her things on.
@
Wife:  Mother says she nearly died laughing over those stories 
   you told her.
Husband:  Where is she?  I'll tell her some funnier ones.
@
And when you sassed your mother's mother you dad took you out
   into the woodshed, did he?
Yeah.  He didn't want my mother to see him slip me a quarter.
@
I don't like my mother-in-law.
Listen, don't you realize that you wouldn't have your wife if it 
   hadn't been for your mother-in-law?
Yes, that's why I don't like her.
@
Do you mean to tell me you've been married for five years and your
   mother-in-law has only been to visit you once?
Yeah.  She came the day after we were married and never left.
@
From the hips up your girl looks like she's too fat.  Her stomach
   looks like a beer key.
That's natural.  That's all she use it for.
@
She's got a couple of double chins.  Ripples on the ocean.  Every
   time she talks she broadcasts over short waves.
@
My mother-in-law is like a book --- always turned down at the corners.
@
Is she beautiful?
No, but she's consistent.
@
Sometime in her life she must have been a telephone operator.
Why?
She never answers you.
@
She has good points.
So have pins, but they don't stick you.
@
I've often thought you were an angel.
Because I am is such a nice gal?
No, because you are no good on earth.
@
I knew her when she had only one stomach.
@
