Burning the roof of your mouth with hot pizza...
People who set off their own car alarms...
cold fronts from Canada....
when your heilum ballon flies away...
when someone has the same seat number as you an a full airplane...
"put stamp here" instructions on envelopes...
when you wake up and think it's Sunday, but it's already Monday...
sitcom families that revel in their dysfunctionalness...
Socks, the First Cat...
lip glass that makes you look like you smeared butter on your lips...
group hugs...
breaking a high heel outside and hobbling along like Igor in Frankenstein...
having to wear a tie every day...
resembling a criminal featured on "America's Most Wanted"...
psychological scars from parochial school...
when you can see the ventriloquist's lips moving...
newspaper thieves...
gut-thumpingly loud car stereos that you can hear and feel from blocks away...
getting a charley horse...
misspelled graffiti...
resumes with typographical errors...
the fact that the world still spins merrily 'round after you die...
people who say, "Howdy"...
people who reply, "Doody"...
people who quote Rush Limbaugh...
being comedicly abused by a stand-up comic...
parents of Little Leaguers...
getting "the runs"...
being unable to get past the first level of a videogame...
people who say, "I may be stupid, but..."
that teeny-weeny spare tire in new cars...
when your favorite rock song is recycled into an advertising jungle...
realizing that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly's to the bone...
everything you bring to a repair shop comes back with some new problem...
everything delicious is bad for you...
everything tasteless is good for you...
your car runs the same on regular or premium gas...
zits on prom night...
paycheck withholdings...
hor-long waiting lines at amusement parks...
the French...
screaming babies on airplanes...
screaming parents at airports...
child-proof bottles...
pushy panhandlers...
April 15th...
not knowing how the toaster knows when the bread is done...
dashboard warning lamps that come on unexpectedly...
adults who say, "bye-bye"
coworkers who take the last cup of coffee, and don't make a new pot...
coworkers who jam the copier, then flee the scene of the crime...
rain checks...
back orders...
no recognition for a job well done...
when the rush hour lasts 5 hours...
not having Dan Quayle to kick around anymore...
laugh tracks...
surprise birthday parties after thirty...
midlife crises...
when the radio calls your favorite songs, "the Moldy Oldies"...
old people driving sports cars...
X-rated movies with plots...
bad-hair days...
people who use cellular phones in restaurants...
biogaphies of crazed killers for other psychos to emulate...
when the spare tire is flat too...
locking your keys in the car...
becoming addicted to nicotine patches...
Perot in '96 bumper stickers...
Quayle in '96 bumper stickers...
people who read while driving...
when the batteries leak and eat your flashlight...
why Wile E. Coyote bothers to chase that scrawny Road Runner...
food products with "Wiz" in their names...
discovering your inner child is a brat...
being stumped by the TV Guide crossword puzzle...
when your baby calls the sitter "Mommy"...
people who claim "I only watch PBS."...
super-gluing your fingers together...
hoaxes that you fallfor...
"My child's an honor student"bumper stickers...
starched shorts...
ugly plastic surgeons...
giving an interviewer a big phony smile in order to get a job...
when your parents call you their little "accident"...
seeing more naked pictures of Madonna...
when the toilet bowl averflows...
people who call late-night radio talkshows, natter on about nonsense and then say, "But that's not what I called about"...
conspiracy theories...
having to wear a beeper round-the-clock...
phone solicitations during dinner...
working for a jerk...
celebrities who are famous because of whom they married...
forgetting the combination to your locker...
shirt labels that irritate the nape of your neck...
Rolexes...
after washing your hands and face, you find the restroom's out of paper towels...
pets that snore...
getting mooned...
brown nosers...
uninsured motorists...
gridlock...
mumblers...
spitters...
knuckle crackers...
finger poppers...
lint pickers...
cheek pinchers...
collect callers...
sulkers...
whiners...
pool sharks...
vegetarians who wear leather shoes...
die-hard Nixon supporters...
when someone points out a word you've mispronounced...
when someone points out a word you've misspelled...
when someone makes scary faces at your baby...
getting caught using an expired supermarket coupon...
deciding whether or not to eat the green potato chip...
that MAD magazine isn't so funny anymore...
when food you've swallowed goes down the wrong pipe...
fans who do "the wave" too many times...
theTwinkie defense...
the lifestyles of the rich and famous...
running to answer a phone that's ringing on TV...
people who are still living in the '60s...
people who are still living in the '70s...
people who are still living in the '80s...
when another car steals the parking spot you're waiting for...
people who say "you know?" at the end of every sentence...
"quirky" people...
excessive chutzpah...
when you go out at night, get mugged, then are told, "Well, you asked for it"...
when crooks go free on a technicality...
lipstick on the milk carton...
a car that blocks your driveway...
people who say, "Got a problem with that?"...
having to make idle conversation with your haircutter...
when the alarm's still set come Saturday morning...
shoes with taps...
when someone behind you steps on the back of your shoe...
loud parties next door on week nights...
banks that take days to credit your account for deposits...
when you leave behind your ATM receipt, and the next person laughs...
when very old people win the lottery...
able-bodied drivers parked in the handicapped spot...
when your usual parking spot has been taken...
hailstones "as big as golf balls" or bigger...
regaining every pound lost on a diet...
traffic jams that clear up as mysteriously as they began...
a birthday cake with so many candles the smoke slarm goes off...
having an argument with Customer Service...
running over a skunk...
the look you get when buying a box of Odor Eaters...
grapefruits that always get you in the eye...
being very short in a crowded elevator...
that Edsels are valuable collectibles...
when you rent a movie and it's on TV that night...
when you're almost asleep, the Captain announces you're flying over Toledo, Ohio...
taking your shoes off in a Japanese restaurant when you're wearing smelly socks...
playing telephone tag...
catching yourself sounding just like your mother...
getting the finger from a child...
celebrities who complain about how hard it is to be rich and famous...
big movie stars who shun the public...
pineapple and bacon on pizzas...
that more people can quote Ed Norton than Shakespeare...
the buttons on the remote control you never use...
movies mangled by the previous renter's VCR...
how you look and sound on videotape...
drivers who speed up to prevent you from passing them...
spraying your armpits with hairspray...
when your air fern suffocates...
old folk remedies for colds that don't work but give you garlic-breath...
single-passenger cars in the carpool lane...
waking up with a headache...
blonde jokes if you're blonde...
"I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you" bumper stickers...
cutesy vanity plates...
frozen dinners that look nothing like the picture on the box...
when a toothpick splinters and lodges between your teeth...
when the cat uses your plant for a litterbox...
when your yo-yo smacks you in the skull...
people who use up all the copier paper...
cashiers who don't know how to make change...
cash registers that talk to you...
when the winner of the election is announced before you've voted...
annual employee performance reviews...
all the haggling you ahve todo when buying a car...
appliances that break down over the weekend...
having to send a Christmas card because somebody sent you one...
eating Thanksgiving leftovers until Christmas...
when your kid plays with the box instead of the toy...
outdoor Christmas-decoration competitions...
neighbors who complain about your pink lawn flamingos...
when your toothbrush turns pink...
ten-dollar-per-hour parking...
movie trailers that show all the funny scenes...
airplane seats near the restrooms...
looking like your driver's license picture...
very fast roaches...
when everybody knows but you...
when your team never wins the Pennant...
gritty sandwiches at the beach...
seeing ugly people with gorgeous dates...
when your steady says, "Can we just be friends?"
when your significant other shaves her legs with your razor...
things called "o-rama" (e.g., Bowl-o-rama)...
those who think everything was better years ago...
things that really were better years ago...
people who don't return your calls...
a bee sting on the butt... 
flea bites around your ankles...
going bald in high school...
playing office politics...
kids who pee in your pool...
writers who dot their "i's" with little hearts...
pranksters who push all the elevator buttons...
prune juice that kicks in at an inopportune time...
"Do not back up; severe tire damage" signs...
backhanded compliments...
that Johnny Carson isn't on anymore...
not dreaming in color...
hearing your spouse and pet snore in stereo...
eggshell in the omelet...
people who insult you, then say, "Just kidding"...
winning the booby prize...
the useful psychic ability to bend spoons mentally...
the superior attitude of "natives"...
when somebody has a "hissy fit"...
the fact that Philadelphia-brand cream cheese is made in Chicago...
that Haagen-Dazs ice cream comes from New Jersey...
that "plus tax" is always in small print...
when your pita sandwich leaks all over your lap...
plaque...
that Superman isn't smart enough to invent an antidote to Kryptonite...
that the Professor could build a radio from cocnuts, but not a decent boat...
sappy "Love is..." cartoons...
getting gasoline on your clothes and smelling like a mechanic all day... 
people who hit the jackpot on their first coin...
sneezing in your sleep and waking yourself up...
being picked to be the magician's assistant...
standing up when your foot's asleep...
when the person whose name is tattooed on your body leaves...
receiving a Chia Pet for your birthday...
when your bottle of bubblesoap goes flat...
people who ask how much you earn...
open-casket funerals...
wax fruit centerpieces...
plastic slipcovers on beautiful couches...
when your school isn't named on snow-closure announcements...
growing up where it never snows...
sub-zero windchill factors...
chattering teeth...
shivering...
heat waves in September...
people who cleverly inquire, "Is it hot enough for you?"...
those who maintain, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity"...
misplacing the remote...
products called "Mister Something"...
finding out your new recipe tastes awful in front of your dinner party...
Sunday comics that haven't been funny in years...
tripping on curled-up linoleum...
people who wear sunglasses indoors...
paying for insurance when you're accident-free...
electronic wristwatches that don't tick--you can't tell if they're working or not...
waiting lines for the Ladies'Room, but no the Men's...
when the phone rings while you're in the john...
subway riders who fall asleep against you...
people who say "passed away" instead of "died"...
mail stamped "You may already be a winner!"...
mail stamped "You are a winner!"...
junk faxes...
Fridays the 13th...
when TV series are canceled without a farewell episode...
trying to find a house address on a dark street...
shirtsleeves that are just an inch too long or too short...
when your hair dryer smells like burning hair...
getting bitten by a petting-zoo animal...
artificial intelligence...
when everything grinds to a halt at work because a computer goes down...
when your VCR runs out of tape and cuts off the end of the show...
pitchers who take forever to throw the baseball...
trying find the start of a roll of clear tape...
statement errors that are always in the bank's favor...
how supermarkets put junk food at kids' eye-level...
when friends tell you to get into therapy because they are...
when the library book you need to complete your paper is checked out...
toenail clippings on the kichen floor...
when the pigeons sit on top of the fake owl you put on the roof...
people who clean out earwax with their pinky in public...
those useless "hints" in maht wordproblems...
when you forget a dream as soon as you start to tell someone about it...
when the police officer giving you a ticket is younger than you...
getting stuck in a rut...
slaves to fashion...
spouses who shirk housework...
hearing your favorite heavy-metal song as elevator music...
cold stethoscopes...
when the rough draft is better than the final version...
Porsche driers who pronounce it "porsh"...
garbage trucks droning under your window at six A.M...
when the trash collectors strew your cans all over the street...
unseen potholes...
undercooked spaghetti...
burned-out lights on the ceiling that are just out of your reach...
people who can sleep through anything...
top-forty disc jockeys...
when a passing car backfires, causing you to jump a foot into the air...
cable outages during the big fight...
street mimes...
wpoon players...
subway symphonies...
getting stuck at the top of the Ferris wheel...
when the cassette deck eats your tape...
quitting smoking a dozen times...
road tours by ancient rock groups...
when kitty's been in the kid's sandbox and left her calling card...
bean-bag chairs...
walking uphill in Birkenstocks...
swimming in the ocean and getting seaweed up your nose...
jewelry that turns your skin green...
movies starring children and sheepdogs...
"water-saving" toilets you must flush twice...
knowing that insect parts are allowed in peanut butter...
that soap operas don't use organs for background music anymore...
Elvis sightings...
long waxed mustaches...
unsquelchable belches...
earthquakes that strike when you're in the bath...
magazine renewal notices sent 9 months before the subscription expires...
when the coaster leaves a ring...
Green Acres marathons on Nick at Nite...
people who wear all-black clothing...
yawners at your party...
tourists who call San Francisco "Frisco"...
trying to figure out the words to "Louie Louie"...
zip-zip sounds when walking in corduroy pants...
getting a bad clam...
psychobabble...
performance art...
adults who have never had a cavity...
alternate side of the street parking...
early callers who invariably ask, "Did I wake you?"...
when someone peels your sunburn...
incomprehensible slang...
supermarket clerks who refuse to double bag...
marching behind the equestrian team...
Boston accents...
Star Trek I, III, and V...
when valet parkers peel-out in your car...
people who say, "Read my lips"...
doctored tabloid photos...
when someone puts empty ice cube trays back in the freezer...
getting only five McNuggets instead of six...
"No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs...
hidden agendas...
accordion players...
"Lady of Spain" on accordion...
infomercials...
kids who think "the Big Bopper" was a hamburger...
waxing your bikini area...
superstitious people...
walking under a ladder...
when you have to hold the TV;s antenna to get a clear picture...
when commercials are twice al loud as the TV program's volume level...
when someone gives you "rabbit ears" with their fingers in a photo...
sneezes that build up but never detonate...
when letter carriers cram big envelopes into your timy mailbox...
when charities send you "free" retun address labels...
never winning more than five bucks in a lottery...
the upappealing food at all-you-can-eat restaurants...
leaky diapers...
when baby's first word is the pet's name...
squeaky windshield wipers...
when you read the wrong horoscope, but it applies anyway...
when stores boost prices, then lower them, and call it a "sale"...
when restaurants call hamburger "Salisbury Steak" and charge more...
people who are otherwise unimaginative, except when it comes to lying...
Norman Rockwell's paintings...
throwing your back out...
when the restroom has sandpaper grade toilet paper...
scented toilet paper...
scratch-and-sniff spots scratched scentless...
when a magazine's mailing label obscres the cover...
losing a filling on vacation...
graffiti spray painted on your car...
hearing "Little Drummer Boy" fifty times during the holidays...
the cast of Beverly Hills 90210...
next-day packages that arrive two days later...
when a fortune teller's shop burns down...
when old flames let you know they're getting married...
blue hair, except on clowns...
being a glorified secretary...
paper or plastic decisions...
food servers who command you to "Enjoy your meal"...









