Subj : rules for bands
To   : all
From : Richard Webb
Date : Fri Feb 25 2011 04:06 am


Since it seems we actually have some lurkers at least, btw,
from the moderator, thanks for popping up and saying hi,
this will give you a laugh.

POsted by a sound reinforcement provider buddy of mine on
usenet:

RULES FOR BANDS

-Never start a trio with a married couple.
-Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
-Before you sign a record deal, look up the word 'recoupable' in the 
dictionary.
-No one cares who you've opened for...
-A string section does not make your songs sound any more important.
-If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
-When you talk on stage you are never funny.
-If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their 
music. "Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political 
lyrics?"
-Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
-Don't say your video's being played if it's only on community TV.
-When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. 
Mention 'artistic freedom' and 'a guaranteed 3 record deal'.
-When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked 
to be let go.
-Never name a song after your band.
-Never name your band after a song.
-When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin 
looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
-Never enter a Battle Of The Bands contest. If you do you're already a loser.
-Learn to recognise scary word pairings: rock opera, white rapper, blues jam, 
swing band, open mike etc.
-Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
-Listen, either break it to your parents or we will - it's rock 'n' roll, not a 
soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
-It's not a 'showcase'. It's a gig that doesn't pay.
-No one cares that you have a MySpace page.
-Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
-Don't hire a publicist.
-Playing a gig that requires an overnight stay somewhere doesn't mean you're on 
tour.
-Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover 
band.
-Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound 
the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
-Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what 
girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
-If you need a smoke machine your music sucks.
-We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and 
one you made with the iMac your parents got for Christmas.
-Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play 
them?
-If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or 
when it will turn up.
-Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
-Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
-Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
-Rock oxymoron's; major label interest, demo deal, blues genius, $500 guarantee 
and Fastball's second hit.
-3 things that are never coming back: gongs, headbands and playing slide guitar 
with a beer bottle.


Regards,
           Richard
--- timEd 1.10.y2k+
 * Origin:  (1:116/901)

.