Subj : Re: A Crappy Thread To : Ward Dossche From : Daryl Stout Date : Fri Mar 11 2022 07:48 am Ward, WD> Let me tell you a real story, and you know all my stories are real ... WD> 8-) WD> The nurses were elated, my doctors were elated and I think they WD> released me 3-4 days later.... Now, for my crappy reply to your message...this is the turd one in this thread. Several years ago in Branson, Missouri...Tom Mullica did a show in tribute to Red Skelton...and you thought Red had come back from the dead...the guy looked, sounded, and acted just like him. Well, he found out there was a group of nurses in the audience, and he was ecstatic!! He gushed "I'm so thrilled that you're here today, as I've been dying to ask this question!!". The hall gets dead quiet, and he (looking right at the nurses), asks them "Have we had our bowel movement today??". It brought the house down in raucous laughter, and the nurses were all as red as tomatoes. I've had several hospitalizations over the years (2 last year with being diagnosed with atrial fibrillation), and the main statement is "you can't go home until you go poop". When I was hospitalized for digestive tract issues, they wanted to release me early...and I said "I want to be sure my colon is working before I leave, as it's what brought me in here, with gastrointeritis (nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea). it's not fun to do it out of both ends simultaneously). Nearly 20 years ago, before I became disabled, and had to quit working, I was helping a female co-worker with a printing job (I had worked in silkscreen printing for almost 20 years). I usually would help put the printed decals on a rack, but I had to "assume the position -- on my knees" when the job started, but I was able to stand, as more and more decals were printed, so I could put them on the rack to dry. She had lost her first husband to colon cancer, and unfortunately, she remarried too soon after that, and the marriage didn't last. But, one day, I said to her "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the proverbial deer in the headlights look on her face...so when I translated it to $h!+ happens, she howled with laughter...and said "I'm going to tell my sister that one!!". The next morning, when she walked in, I asked her "Did you ask your sister??" and "Same reaction??". Both responses were met with a wildly grinning "yes". She and I were great friends, but she resigned for another job elsewhere before I resigned due to declining health (my body wouldn't let me do it anymore)...I have no idea what happened to her. There was a vehicle involved in a wreck locally years ago, and it flipped the car on its roof. It has a bumper sticker that was upside down, but when the car was flipped over, the photo with "$h!+ Happens" was there in color on the front page of the local newspaper. Maybe it should be "Hit Shappens", and "We're doing this for Gits and Shiggles" . The stench from the excrement is an indicator that the trillions of the bacteria in your gut are doing their job to digest their food. Things like beans, asparagus (maybe it should be ass-spare-a-gas ), cabbage, legumes, etc. will make you flatulate (fart) like mad...and if you have a dog (especially a dachsund), these silent but deadly (SBD) methane fart bombs are particularly nasty. Before my wife died, we were on the Futon, otherwise "intimately occupied", and the dachshund was in his bed on the floor next to us. All of a sudden, this horrible methane stench permeated our nostrils...the dog had dropped an SBD methane fart bomb!! I started gagging from the stench, and my wife was laughing uncontrollably...saying "You know he's down there, going 'Hee Hee Hee. Ignore my @$$, will you??!!" . So, any lovemaking, etc. went down the toilet and out the window, as I had to get dressed, and take the weiner dog out for a potty run. I think we put him in his carrier after that, so we wouldn't be interrupted again. There was a commercial several years ago, and I think it was Tractor Supply Company that did it. To start, the family is at the dinner table, asking the blessing on the meal that they're about to consume...all of the gas producing foods. As soon as they say "Amen", the dog leaps out from under the kitchen table, and runs up the stairs to the bedroom. He gets to this big chest of drawers, and after opening the bottom one, he starts digging furiously, looking for something. Well, he didn't find what he wanted in the first drawer, so he opens the second one, and starts digging again...still nothing. Luckily, the third time was the charm...he found what he was looking for...a gas mask!! So, he puts it on, runs down the stairs, gets back under the kitchen table, and contentedly lies down. Then, the announcer calmly says "We have what you need". Everyone farts and poops...on the farting, from as little as 15 times a day, to as much as 20 times an hour. I wonder how much of our tax money was used to determine that?? They were going to do a study on second hand flatulence, but they couldn't get any volunteers. And, after you've been run over by a steam roller, they send a flatulance to pick you up...but the ride really stinks. There are no shock absorbers in these vehicles, as you can run over a quarter in the street, and tell whether it is heads or tails. With the bowel movements, what is "normal" varies from person to person... but if you go more than 3 days without a BM, that is too long, and it can lead to constipation. Also, folks who sit on the toilet, in a chair, or in a vehicle seat driving for a long time, who are overweight, or women who have babies, are likely to get hemorrhoids...which are a real PITA. Colon cancer is the second greatest killer right behind heart disease and breast cancer, but it's one of the most preventable. Admittedly, the prep work is a bummer, with no solid food the day before (clear liquids only), and practically nonstop diarrhea for 12-18 hours beforehand, which is followed by an enema. But, if you don't thoroughly clean out your colon beforehand, you'll have to do the prep work again, and this time, pay the expensive cost of it. Afterwards, you will have a lot of gas, joining all the others "in the wind section". Too bad that we can't convert that to our vehicles (gasoline jumped 70 cents a gallon in Arkansas in the last week). If we could, I'd order a palatte of Bush's Baked Beans, ask Duke for the secret formula, and tell OPEC what they could do with their gas prices. We have enough oil under our soil in the US, to help lower the fuel prices...but the environmentalists are more concerned about the bovine flatulence and climate than the economy. For that matter, as noted earlier, every creature farts and poops. As Jeff Foxworthy noted in one of his skits, "the kids are coming out of diapers, and the grandparents are going into them". His skit on his colonoscopy (you can find it on YouTube) is an absolute scream. A few of the highlights are as follows: 1) He downs all the fluids for the prep work, that was meant to be done over 6 hours in just under 10 minutes. His stomach starts making funny noises, sounding like the fireplace in The Amityville Horror. Then, his underwear tapped him on the shoulder, and said "Run!!". 2) He passed everything he had eaten in his entire life...plus things he had thought of eaten, things the neighbors had eaten, and a red bicycle in the garage. Several hours later, what was coming out of him was classed as "mountain spring water". :P 3) Afterwards, he was ready to go home, but the nurse told him he had to "give back all the air they pumped into him", and "I have to verify that you do it". He notes "I went to career day in high school. Nobody told me that you could get paid good money for rating farts on a clipboard. I've got friends who do that all the time for free". He adds "She wants me to do this, and I need to do this. But, I was raised in the south, and my Momma taught me NEVER to do that in front of a woman...especially in front of a woman you don't know". He laments "I lock up"...so she has him get down on all fours in the bed, and he knew it'd work. He said he thought of his wife's LaMaz (sp?) childbirth class, and "the big push". He said "what came out of me was so loud, and so long, that Fred Flintstone clocked out of work!!". He asked the nurse if he could go home, and she said "Please do". I heard of a case at a store, where this girl and her boyfriend were, and he lets out this loud fart, and says her name, as if was HER who did it (when it was actually him). She started crying, and ran out of the store. She should have ended the relationship right then, for his insensitivity. And, $h+! isn't dirty...it's an acronym for either "Ship High In Transit", or "So Happy It's Thursday"...especially if you have Friday (or fart day) or Saturday ($h!++erday) off from work. After getting diagnosed with IBS and other issues 20 years ago, my wife asked "You want me to bring your computer and ham radio stuff into the bathroom?? You seem to spend so much time in here!!" :P So, with that, I'll make a sewer pipe, and get the $h!+ out of there. Daryl .... A Steak Sandwich: A Porterhouse between 2 Ribeyes. === MultiMail/Win v0.52 --- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32 * Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33) .