This has to go somewhere, and feels is as good a place as any to put it out there. I do wish I could say it out loud, but text will do. I'll try not to even soft-wrap it, just flow my thoughts in a single line. I apologize if that's more annoying to read.

Today my friend called me and she said that she was worried about my immigration status and how I could be gone in 2 years. This is all well and good, but she added that she was worried she "wasted her time on our relationship" and "wasted what's left of her twenties." Now, how do I put this politely - I am significantly more stable and have more perspective than her, and she knows this. However, when she let her feelings speak, she projected this back onto me. What this ended up doing was it sent me into a crying fit. I didn't say anything to make sure I don't say anything I regret, which is something I had issues with before. It made me really upset that she would say that and I nearly broke up with her on the spot. We had a conversation afterwards and she apologized, but I cannot recover from her words so easily. It's one too many times, once too often. As always.

I think I should let her go, now that I've had some time to stabilize and think. Especially if I can't get this paperwork to cooperate with me. My boss's boss doesn't fucking care enough about helping me fill out paperwork that HE HIMSELF NEEDS TO FILL OUT IF I AM TO STAY EMPLOYED. I need to either find a new job with a company that's E-Verified, or more easily, get him to fucking sign off on the stupid training plan. It's not rocket science. Oh, and submit basic demographic information about his company to E-Verify. The most complex question on the form is how many employees the company has in the US. I shit you not. But oh well.

My head hurts and my worldview is spinning. My keyboard's N key is defective in a way that only shows up when I type long sentences like this. I hope I can yank the switch and replace it. I've been deleting stray n's all this post.

I am trying to fill out as much of this paperwork as possible in advance, just because I feel like time is ticking. I don't know how to be mean to people, or else my friend would know that I am a much larger blessing to her than she is to me. But she respects herself more than I respect myself, sooo...

I just don't want to hold onto people until I hate their guts. I want to be able to let go on good terms, and respect myself. I really do. It's never easy, but letting go once hurts once, being disappointed hurts the same amount several times. Fuck this, I hate being stuck and I hate having built a life for myself in a country which will not desire my expertise, contributions or otherwise residence.
I hope I learn my lesson soon. I hope I learn to let go. I hope I learn to value myself above all others. I really need to, I really do.