I've no idea why but I really feel like I want to get into writing. I want to create a game, a video game with plot and nice art direction, a video game that's fun but it also has a story that makes you feel things. I believe that's what makes a game really stick with you. The story and the feelings it creates within you. 

I think back fondly on the games I've played and the stories that stuck with me. It's to the point that I can say, that if you are young and play a game with such a story, that it can affect/influence you for the rest of your life. That's true for all media actually.

The biggest influences from my childhood are probably Ib and Fullmetal Alchemist. Whenever i think of those, or listen to soundtracks, i get such intense feelings. I can't call it nostalgia because I cannot be nostalgic for something I still hold deep within me. It's just... a deep feeling of... relatedness? It makes me remember the way I felt back then, and the realisations i've had. I want to create art that would one day move someone as much as these two pieces of art have moved me.

So I want to write, but I'm scared of writing, so I write articles/thoughtpieces because that's where my confort zone is. I know i can pull off a decently written article on an interesting topic. Or at least journal-ish entries with decent pacing, that aren't just rants, that someone else can read and be reminded of things. But creative writing? with characters, a plot, and an imaginary world? I haven't done that since i was like 14 and I had school assignments. Maybe even younger than that.

And it's such a shame, because they were some of my favorite parts of school. It was really fun to invent things and put them onto paper. I'm sure the majority were terrible but I felt no shame in that at all. I do now. Why can I no longer do things without being afraid of sucking to the point of inaction?

I've gotten too used to the safe adult feeling of being good at the things I do. Or at least decent. I think I need suckyness exposure therapy or something. I guess going to dance class is helping in this regard, but I wouldn't have mustered the courage to go if I didn't go out and dance when I was living in a foreign country. It really helped.

My country's judgmental culture weighs upon me like a rock tied to my neck. Years of exposure have eroded my psyche to the point I am afraid of starting new things. Or maybe it's just the adult predicament we are found in, we need to be good at something to survive/eat food. So being bad at smth == danger. 

But hey maybe me joining as a townie and taking upon this semi-anonymous mantle will help me with this fear. I'll decorate my page with my bad drawings and fill the blog with my bad writing. And maybe through this mini exposure therapy I'll get the courage to write and post in more public places. I'll dare take some internet space with my unartistic art.

And maybe the small community here and the chances that someone actually would read/see what I do is going to motivate me enough that I keep continuing. I don't want to scream into the void! I want my badness to be seen! If you read something I write and like it, hate it, it provokes any feeling in you, write to me! I would feel humbled to have caused any emotion within you.

That is all, thank you, see you next time I listen to some song that gets me into a wordy mental state. This time it was Madrugada - Norwegian Hammerworks Corp.