Mushroom Soup

I made mushroom soup today. The mushrooms were kind to me, they patiently waited for me for a week until i got the energy to use them. They really did, because usually mushrooms go bad really quicky, and my fridge is old and tired and isn't helping either.

I managed to not bombard myself with ~content~ from the internet, not even music I like, just some ambient lofi stuff that I really hope is not AI-generated. I'm decently sure, though.  

Making mushroom soup is a labor of love. It includes paying attention to every single mushroom, as we don't have the pre-washed, pre-cleaned ones where I'm from. You have to take them one by one, wash them of all the dirt, break off their tail to check for dirt under, and then when you're done, there's the chopping and waiting for 20 minutes until they cook and the water evaporates.

The onions are never kind to me though. Either my eyes are extremely sensitive or there's something wrong with this particular species or my storing method. Every time I cook, they burn my eyes so badly I have to go wash them with soap multiple times. The fact that I don't own a fume hood certainly doesn't help.

And so I managed to feed myself today, a home-cooked meal, one of my favorite ones, actually. I feel so exhausted these days and really don't know how I will adapt to this new stage of life i've found myself in for over a year now. For all intents and purposes, I should feel lucky. I have a good enough job with more freedom than most, no dependents or debt, nothing. But I'm just so freaking tired all the time and feel like time is running away from me. I'm getting used to not having as much time to just... let my mind wander and think about things. With 1/3 of time at work and 1/3 time asleep, fitting a social life, hobbies, a relationship and personal pondering/daydreaming feels unachievable. I really don't want to give up that. 

But hey, I am making steps in that direction. Maybe I'll manage to fit my pondering while on the bus, or while I'm cooking soup or cleaning the house. I did that today and it didn't feel bad, even though I hate that it can't be a stand-alone thing. I hate that life seems to have picked up a dizzying pace, that my dreams are squished between obligations, that I can't just rest and take it slow and have that be OK. I hate that if i wake up feeling bad in the morning I can't just decide to take it easy/not work that day.I hate the constant stream of productivity that is expected of us.

I've always worked in bursts. Periods of rest followed by periods of intensity. They made me feel alive, and then they left me space to think and rest. The current approach with work feels like we're expected to work and ~perform~ like machines. 

So yeah, I don't really know what to do. All i can try for now is to do the bare minimum at work and let it occupy the least amount of mind space possible. It's clear that I'll never get much satisfaction from it if I attach it the expectations I have for my own creations. To be disconnected from what you do for a literal 1/3 of your time on earth seems necessary for your survival in this world.

I guess I kind of regret making my passion into my job. I haven't coded for fun in god knows how long, and it was my absolute favorite thing to do in high school. So much so that I didn't see myself doing anything else, but I was kind of naive. The kind of stuff you do for work is so far removed from the kind of software/coding I like. I really, really miss it, but at the end of the work day, i get the physical urge to run away from my desk and do something else with my remaining time. 
 
For now, all I can do is make mushroom soup and hope that I won't waste the entirety of my life like this.