Maybe I Should Stop Trying to Fix Myself

I think things generally go better for me when I stop trying to fix myself. Of course, I have to define what I mean by "fix myself." What I mean is that I have an idea in my head of how people "should be," or perhaps "how normal people are," and by definition, I don't fit that idea. The goal of "fixing myself" is to become "like normal people," or "like a person should be." I don't think I'm the only one who tends to think like this, either. I don't think it's a *universal* theme, but its most certainly a recurring theme in at least some online self-improvement content, and many of the discussions I see. I'm very into both weightlifting and learning, so it's possible that I come across this attitude more often than most people, but it's definitely there: you should hit the gym (or study like a "top 0.1% student" or what have you), not because it's fun or worthwhile, but because you have to Fix Yourself. Become so disciplined that they think you're insane.

I can't say for sure when someone does or doesn't have this attitude, because I'm not inside their head, so I can't really say how prevalent it is, but I'm certain it's out there. One thing I can say with certainty is that this attitude forms the foundation of most of my philosophy. I'll drink kefir because I vaguely heard some bullshit online about how probiotics improve your mood[0], I'll wake up at 4am[1], work out multiple hours per day, etc. I spent a lot of my younger years obsessively reading self help books. If there's a slightly popular self help book out there, I've probably read it. Hell, the original concept behind this blog was that I was going to document my successes and failures every week in an attempt to have more successes and less failures.

But does it all work?

I think it doesn't.

Three weeks ago, on October 5, 2025, I wrote in my journal that I was finally "going to get my shit together." It was a moment of motivation, and it's not really much different from saying that I was going to "fix myself," but it came from a slightly different place: instead of the vague sense that I'm not doing enough, I was just tired of being in pain all the time, of feeling tired all the time, and of setting goals that I never meet. Of course, the thought at the time was still essentially that I'd "fix myself" and do "more." But my approach to one thing changed.

I used to work out because it was fun. I would openly admit that anything else was just puffing myself up: I didn't care about being tough, strong, healthy, or disciplined. "Those things are nice bonuses," says 19 year old Mathpunk, "but I would lift heavy even if it was bad for me." In contrast, the Mathpunk of last month didn't like working out. After many years of health problems, scares, and hurting my back, exercise had come to be a somewhat frightening chore: like having to fold laundry, except it takes 3-4 hours and there's a nonzero chance of seriously hurting myself. In physiotherapy, exercise became yet another thing I have to check off the list in order to "fix myself." My PT kept piling on the exercises, and I kept piling on the pressure, and it kept backfiring. It isn't just that I wasn't working out as often as I "should," it's that the more I tried, the more I hated it. I had never *hated* exercise before.

I have to be honest, I'm not really sure what changed three weeks ago. A switch flipped in my head, like some kind of neurological time portal, and I was 19 again. All I know is that I stopped thinking about exercise as something I have to do to fix myself, and started thinking about it like I used to: as something I would do even if it was bad for me. And I've worked out almost every single day for the last three weeks, with the only real bump in the road being getting a flu and covid shot last week, which made me feel too crappy to do anything for a couple days.

3 weeks of working out is something that last year's me could not have accomplished. I know, because she tried, and failed repeatedly. And yet, here I am. I don't even think it was that hard. The only difference is that when it comes to exercise, I'm not trying to fix myself. My mindset has changed. The foundation of my philosophy towards exercise is not "what are the standards I should be reaching" but rather "how can I have fun today."

How far does this go? How much better can I be at things if I stop viewing everything as a standard to live up to? I don't know. Let's find out.

Maybe I should stop trying to fix myself. Maybe I should live for joy and my own values instead of someone else's.

[0] Like a lot of the things I started doing to "fix myself," this has taken on it's own life: I now drink kefir because I've just developed a taste for it. Same with kombucha.
[1] I've since stopped doing this one, but mostly because it's incompatible with stargazing. I find that it's actually pretty nice, but for the exact same reason as staying up late: it's nice to be active when most people aren't.

tags: turbo-mathpunk, workouts, self-improvement