Self-reflecting it occurred to me that i have not handled conflict well throughout my career. The best i can say is that i have successfully acted as a mediator or diplomat to help resolve conflict between other team members. Somehow it seems easier to work with conflicts that are not my own.
Anyhow, this self-reflection left me with new desire to improve my own communication and conflict skills. Toward that purpose, i bought a copy of Turn Enemies Into Allies by Judy Ringer.
I appreciated the clarity and organization of this book. At times i felt challenged by the perspective. This book was written for managers, not for employees nor the self-employed.
I also felt challenged by the notion of a fixed versus growth mindset. As i noted in my review of The Resilience Breakthrough, the term "growth mindset" seems to pander to the capitalist ideology of unlimited growth. In truth we do have personal limitations, the planet has resource limitations, and we are born with some of our tendencies and character traits. To ignore this is a form of denial and it invites internal conflict and unnecessary suffering.
Having known someone who has a lot of experience with professional conflict resolution, i could recognize the author's expertise. I really appreciate the clarity of writing, the attention to detail, and the purely benevolent and positive attitude of the writing.
This book has given me ample food for thought and i feel certain that it will benefit me in the future. My notes continue below.
This book is a guide for managing and resolving conflict in the workplace. It is also a guide for managing conflict in all areas of life.
This book is a precise and practical guide for catching employee conflict before it escalates and coaching the parties to resolution.
This guide offers a deliberate and methodical way of working with employees in conflict...
Akido is first and foremost a martial art. It has roots in judo and jujitsu, and yet is quite different in that the goal is not to block a strike, win a contest, or otherwise prevail over an opponent.
The word akido is often translated as "the way of blending or harmonizing with energy" or more simply "the Art of Peace." Akido principles such as entering--moving off the line of attack and into a partnering relationship with the attacker--create alignment with the incoming energy, or ki.
Another principle is blending. When you enter and align with the incoming energy, you can blend with it--add your energy to it. Next is redirecting the energy such that both the attacker and receiver remain unharmed.
In akido, an attack is reframed as power that can be developed and guided. What would normally be understood as an act of aggression is instead seen as an energy to be utilized... changing the dynamic from resistance to connection.
Working on yourself is ongoing, foundational, and critical to maintaining the presence, power, and purpose required of you as you help your employees regain balance and centered presence with each other.
Especially in situations with a lot of history and high emotion, before you can successfully guide others through a conflict, you must first examine your own attitude, emotions, and beliefs around what is possible and understand what your role is in bringing out those possibilities.
As you work on yourself alone, there are three nonverbal qualities you bring with you at every phase of the process: 1. Your centered presence 2. Your personal power 3. Your clarity of purpose
When you feel you've lost your way, let these qualities bring you back to where you need to be.
Call it what you will--self-control, composure, mindfulness--your ability to manage *you* is where it all begins.
The more intentional you can be with your energy, the more influence you will have in the outcome of events.
Your primary job is to believe with confidence that the outcome is not predetermined, and that the conflict is actually potential energy you and your employees can harness toward a positive result. This is where your power lies. If you don't have this positive mindset, you must reexamine your purpose and work on yourself to find the mindset you need. Or, alternatively, you can call on another party to manage the intervention.
As you move toward intervention, consider your purpose for doing so. What do you really want for yourself, the parties involved, and the organization? What is your highest and best purpose? Continually clarify your purpose, and keep it at the forefront of each session you conduct.
Bringing the three qualities of centered presence, personal power, and clarify of purpose to a conflict situation is easier said than done. Below are helpful practices and attitudes.
Things change dramatically when we reframe an attack as incoming energy that can be guided toward a mutually supportive outcome.
A conflict is an opportunity for both parties:
What possibilities exist for each party? How would the resolution affect the larger team and organization? It's the coach's role to help everyone see how a positive outcome liberates untapped potential--for the parties in the conflict and for others. Whenever possible, document hidden or indirect costs that are likely to improve when the conflict is resolved.
As human beings, we are practiced at forming judgments about everything, and we're usually unaware we're doing it.
When you coach, if at any point you start to draw conclusions about which party is right and which is wrong, it becomes difficult to do your job effectively. If you judge one of the parties as the problem, it will be hard for you to see their positive intent. And you may miss constructive actions or recast neutral behaviors in unhelpful ways.
More than anything else, a mindset of curiosity and inquiry empowers you and keeps your conversations safe and on track. I ask open-ended questions, such as:
Appreciative Inquiry maximizes the power of noticing what is already working rather than focusing on what is broken. Practitioners have learned that as soon as you align with the positive, you gain energy and move toward a compelling future.
Below are detrimental practices and attitudes:
1. This is not my job.
If you don't feel ready to lead in this way, consider calling in someone else you believe is right for the job.
2. I don't have the skills to do this.
If so, this is a great opportunity for you to learn.
3. This will take too much time.
Not as much as you will lose in productivity and goodwill.
4. They should just rise above it.
If they could, they would.
5. What's wrong with these people?
Ask instead:
6. They're mean, disrespectful, and hurtful.
They're unskilled. When you reframe negative intent as a need for skill-building, you shift from judge to coach.
As a coach, it's important to curb your well-intentioned impulse to solve the problem.
One of the simplest ways to practice alignment is to listen with interest to people's stories.
Chapter 2 is an overview of how to approach all the individual sessions, regardless of how many sessions are required. The primary purpose of chapter 2 is to equip you with tools to hear and validate each party's distinct narrative of the conflict.
Prep:
Agenda:
Homework:
To fully engage the parties in the process, i've found it helpful to give homework assignments that reinforce the focus of each session and prepare them for the next. The point is to support the parties and their process in as many ways as possible, and to maintain momentum between sessions.
This is one of the most difficult things to do in conflict--to hear and acknowledge your conflict partner's story. I do this for the parties until they can do it for each other.
Meeting with each person individually for one or more sessions reduces defensiveness and increases the possibilities for resolution...
Your primary task throughout the individual session is to ask questions, acknowledge each person's positive intent, and redirect what you hear toward sustainable resolution.
I also practice being comfortable with silence and try to stop myself from jumping in too quickly. I wait for a few beats even after i hear an answer in case the person has more to say.
It's also important to notice and challenge your assumptions. It's important to be truly and genuinely interested in everything about the person and their story, which creates feelings of safety, openness, and calm.
A key insight for me was realizing i could be transparent with the process, and let participants know that my job in these individual sessions is to be on their side and on their partner's side. Introducing this idea helps each party see that the situation has more than one facet.
Listen and acknowledge, simple but not easy
Don't:
Do:
The overarching purpose for the individual sessions is to build the parties' skills, confidence, and openness to ultimately resolve the conflict in join sessions. You want to create openings for the parties to see the conflict from a wider perspective and reposition themselves as partners in creating the solution.
In the first individual session, in which you meet with each person for the first time, your purpose is to discuss whether the parties have the ability to change and are willing to commit to the process you will describe to them. Specifically, you are seeking to determine if they will try to understand the other's point of view, have an intention to resolve their differences, and commit to building a more harmonious working relationship.
Preparation:
Agenda:
Everything i do serves the goal of partnering and aligning with the people i work with. ... In each case, i arrived first and arranged the room so we were seated either side-by-side or at the corner of a table and not across from each other. ... I wanted each to feel i was at their disposal and all would be well.
If the parties are not motivated to change, they won't. A willing attitude determines 90% of the outcome.
What's in it for me? When you can help your [possessive language] people address [this question], the conflict is heading toward resolution.
What to watch for:
Ask specific questions to get a sense of the parties' optimism and willingness, and to generate conversation:
As one of the last steps in the individual sessions, I foster commitment to the process by looking for ways in which the ongoing conflict gets in people's way. ... And i invite each party to ask, "What's in it for me?" as a way to move from the current path to a new one.
1. Pain
2. Pleasure
3. Purpose
4. Performance and Productivity
Help all parties see the coaching process as an investment in their futures with the organization. Being asked to undergo this process is a vote of confidence in an individual's future contribution, not a punishment.
5. Personal Power
Explain how the process can improve each parties' ability to manage conflict in all areas of life by acquiring the skills to make work more enjoyable as well as to see conflict as a gift and a teacher.
Willingness and ability are different, and it's possible to have one without the other. [Willingness] is an inside job. Ability, however, can be developed in others [if they are willing]. Ability to address conflict manifests as competence and skillfulness in self-reflection, interpersonal communication, and empathy, as well as other similar learned habits of mind, body, and spirit.
We don't always see conflict habits in the same way [as other vices]. Nor do we often see the choices available in conflict. These choices are not as obvious as reaching for a cigarette or eating an extra icecream bar. But the way the patterns grow and affect us are the same.
Because we've habituated to certain ways of behaving, when triggered by the conflict cue, we react as we've been patterned to. If i want to engage differently in conflict, i begin by noticing the pattern that leads to the actions i want to change. [By unraveling this process and seeing the cues, we can pause and consider new actions to move in a more purposeful direction.]
If one or both parties refuse to see their contribution, or are affecting the organization or team in ways that limit cohesiveness and productivity, keeping these individuals on staff may do more harm than good. Not everyone can work together harmoniously.
Of all the intervention techniques i use, asking open, honest questions from a place of curiosity is the most useful. By "honest," i mean questions i don't know the answer to.
Questions that broaden the topic or learning:
Questions that deepen the topic or learning:
Chapter 4's purpose is to give the parties ways to effectively change their mind-body state to one of optimal performance and emotional awareness. You help both parties experience the difference between a centered and an uncentered state as well as how to choose the centered state anytime, anywhere.
Preparation:
Agenda:
When teaching conflict and communication skills, i envision two concentric circles. The outside circle is the container for our "quality of being" skills: centered presence, personal power, and clarity of purpose. The inner circle--surrounded and supported by our quality of being--holds our communication skills: inquiry, active listening, acknowledgment, advocacy, and problem solving.
Quality of being: the underlying tone of my actions--including the way i carry myself physically, mentally, and emotionally--as well as the awareness with which i approach a conflict. Am i centered and breathing? Do i understand my part in influencing the conversation? How do i manage my emotional energy? Can i step back, witness myself in action, and make conscious choices? Our physical posture, breath, and composure influence our thinking and the environment around us.
A skilled communicator knows how to keep the dialogue psychologically safe, focused on the task at hand, and moving in a positive direction. We begin with quality of being because being "speaks" louder than doing. The underlying principles of presence, power, and purpose are most evident here and are necessary for the communication strategy to be effective.
As a general practice, i want the parties to re-center periodically in order to stay in a learning frame of mind.
... mindset trumps ability, talent, and skill in influencing our willingness and ability to change.
Characteristics of the fixed and growth mindsets:
Centering is more than an intellectual awareness. When we're centered, mind, body and spirit are aligned. We feel balanced, stable, and in control.
When i teach centering, i want to help the individual understand:
"Choice of attention--to pay attention to this and ignore that--is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, one is responsible for one's choice and must accept the consequences." --W.H. Auden
Your purpose in chapter 5 is to combine centered presence with key communication strategies in order to change the parties' adversarial dynamic and help them communicate more effectively.
Preparation:
Agenda:
Most of the time, conflict is set in motion by differing needs, views, values, and/or thinking or behavioral styles. Without experience or training in conflict skills, we often don't know how to ask for what we want, communicate a contrary viewpoint, say no, or express the impact of a coworker's action. When we're unskilled in conflict, we either avoid it or become overly direct and confrontational.
In the case of workplace conflict, what the parties need are skills to help them talk to each other and role models who demonstrate learning conversations instead of message-delivery monologues.
A learning conversation is exactly that--a conversation in which the primary purpose is to learn:
Real, transformative change of the kind we're talking about happens through experimentation, exploration, and experiencing the benefits--exactly what these individual sessions offer.
It helps to have a checklist of strategies and practices to refer to:
Center: Prepare for the conversation with centered reflection. Re-center periodically during the conversation.
Purpose: Clarify your purpose for the conversation.
Inquiry: Enter with an open and curious mindset. Ask questions to uncover your partner's point of view.
Acknowledgment: Let your partner know you've heard them.
Advocacy: Be clear, direct, and respectful in stating your point of view.
Solutions: Listen for and encourage possible solutions that emerge from the conversation. Follow-up.
Asking questions is blending, or adding my energy to theirs. It puts me in the powerful position of learning where my partner is coming from. I hear their intentions, hopes, and values. Inquiry also defuses any conflict energy my partner is holding, such as anger and fear, allowing this emotional intensity to find a release valve.
Secrets to being in inquiry include:
Acknowledgment is possibly the most underutilized communication skill and [it is] the secret sauce that turns difficult conversations into learning conversations. You will forget this. [Assertion, not inquiry.] Your employees will forget this. I forget it all the time. But acknowledgment changes the conversation--and the people in it.
Acknowledgment answers three important questions your partner has:
Examples of acknowledging and clarifying statements include:
In conflict, we're predisposed to blame (making someone else responsible for the problem) and justification (not seeing our own contribution). Falling into this mindset is easy to do and feels good, because i can pretend i'm in the right. The problem, however, is:
We can use blame and justification as red flags--indicating that we've abdicated the only power we really have in conflict. Instead, by choosing to take responsibility for our words and actions, we can change what's not working in the situation and intentionally influence it for the better. In other words, we can notice and change our contribution to the problem.
You can acknowledge but not agree by following up with language such as:
The parties can also acknowledge their own feelings of anger, annoyance, confusion, and personal defensiveness when they arise. For me, the process usually starts with an awareness of physical tension--my jaw tightens or i notice i've stopped breathing. In an argument with a coworker over who should take the lead in a training initiative, i said, "Now, i just got really irritated by that comment, and i think i'm becoming defensive. Can we stop for a moment? I just want to talk about this topic. I'm not trying to persuade you in either direction." The acknowledgment helped both of us to re-center.
The parties in this conflict will need skills to help them say what's on their mind. This is advocacy. When we advocate, we're assertive. We're saying, "Here's what i see. It may not be how you see it, so i'm going to put the view out there in such a way that you can see it through my eyes."
Advocacy is also standing up for something--a point of view, value, or belief.
There are ways to advocate for a position without offending or causing defensiveness.
The ladder of inference is a visual demonstration of how we form interpretations and draw conclusions from available data. At the foot of the ladder lies the available data. As we move up the ladder, we get further from what actually happened and more deeply into our story of what happened.
On the other side, climb down the ladder to explore THEIR view.
The ability to distinguish between the intention of an action and its impact is useful in learning conversations, and has been helpful in my own practice.
"As people perceive that other's don't respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt. Why? Because respect is like air. If you take it away, it's all people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in the conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose--it is now about defending dignity." -- Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
We model respect when we listen for understanding, refrain from making assumptions about others, speak without blame or justification, and recognize that the listener can't know what we're thinking, feeling, or telling ourselves about the world around us. Respect looks like inquiry, acknowledgment, and advocacy in a way that doesn't trample on the right of others to have their own views.
Naive realism: The human tendency to believe "I alone am privy to the true reality." In other words, this [supposedly] invariant, knowable, objective reality is so obviously true that anyone who doesn't see reality as i do is clearly unreasonable and/or irrational.
False consensus effect: Tendency to think everyone believes the way we do, and has similar beliefs and values.
Naive realism and the false consensus effect are about disrespect.
The following practices are foundational for a learning conversation:
You can help the parties know when a conversation is becoming psychologically unsafe by increasing their ability to notice when one of them shuts down (silence), or becomes sarcastic or demeaning (violence). In my experience, it usually takes between two to four individual sessions of about an hour each to complete the teaching, application, and transfer of the skills necessary to prepare the parties to meet jointly. The number of sessions depends on how many of the concepts you teach, how well the parties integrate the concepts in their workplace interactions, and how you perceive the parties' readiness and ability to move forward into the joint sessions.
Practice:
Your purpose in the joint sessions is to build rapport, reinforce relationships, and redirect any remaining challenges toward resolution and problem-solving. At this point, we're looking forward to what the rebuilt relationship will look like and how it will be sustained.
Preparation:
Agenda:
How do you know when to move from individual to joint sessions? You'll know it's time when the parties seem eager to get on with it, they no longer appear fearful or anxious, and you see them practicing their new centering and communication skills in the workplace. One or two individual sessions may be enough depending on the severity of the conflict and the parties' motivation to alter the dynamic.
Another gauge is your own sense of optimism. On a scale of 1 to 10, how optimistic are you that the joint meetings will yield a positive outcome; that the parties are ready to resolve their differences and look forward? If you're scoring 7 or higher, i'd say they are ready. And you can always go back to meeting individually.
The first joint session's [sic] sets the tone for those to come. For that reason, this session deserves special thought and preparation. For example, i suggest you don't move into problem-solving in the first joint session, but rather use the time to build rapport and reinforce relationship. My experience supports holding this session in a neutral location away from the office. I like to take the parties to lunch at a nice restaurant that they'll both enjoy and that offers some privacy. We choose a date, and i ask them to select the restaurant and make a reservation.
When people talk about what they love, they lighten up. They begin to see each other differently: as human beings with many sides and, oftentimes, common interests. This first meeting is an opportunity to encourage these common interests to surface as well as build trust, respect, and safety. As the coach, you want the conversation to flow and are looking for easy subjects, such as:
I'm always amazed how well these first meetings go. There's something about breaking bread together that brings out the best in people. Sometimes we make small talk the entire time, and that's fine. And sometimes an affinity develops and the conversation becomes more informal and personal, as the parties see they have more in common than they thought. This relational ease builds a foundation for future joint sessions and conversations back in the workplace.
Lastly, ask "What did you appreciate about the luncheon meeting, and how will you bring these qualities into your new workplace relationship?"
The purpose of continuing joint sessions is to provide openings for the parties to talk about their learning from the individual sessions, comparing experiences, and plan for the future. Both parties will explore topics including:
Preparation:
Agenda:
I'm here to help the parties:
The 6-Step Checklist
... Step 6: Solutions
If one person makes a suggestion, the other has three ways in which to respond:
Make sure that plans are made to implement the solutions and ways to follow up are defined. As you look for future scenarios together, encourage the parties to ask and answer questions such as:
Powerful conversation openings:
Common features in these openers are:
Logistics
To further support resolution, i think about ways to make the sessions and the room comfortable and conducive to partnering. For example:
I arrange our seating so the parties are physically aligned and not sitting across from each other.
As we discuss areas of conflict, i ask the parties to guess and acknowledge what they imagine is the other's point of view.
Sometimes we set guidelines or ground rules, but not always. It depends on the situation. When i use ground rules, i ask the parties to talk about what would help them feel comfortable holding a problem-solving dialogue, employ the akido skills we've been practicing, to make the joint sessions a success. The following are the most common requests:
Review at the end of the session what went well and what to do differently next time.
In their first working session together, i like to seed conversation with questions that invite reflection and dialogue. The questions promote awareness of what's working and where support is still needed. To do this, i usually hand each a sheet of questions and give them time to write their answers and compare notes. Some example questions include:
In addition, i invite the parties to share their experiences about the coaching process and what they've come to appreciate about each other through the individual sessions. For example:
It's also useful to return to the "scale of 1 to 10" questions asked in chapter 3 amended slightly to fit the current conditions. For example: On a scale of 1 to 10:
To reinforce ability and commitment, you want to take every opportunity during the joint sessions to notice the positive choices they're making and point them out. For example:
The primary purpose is to establish a review process to make sure the new habits and relationship are holding, as well as to design a support system for the future.
Preparation:
Agenda:
If a letter of agreement is part of the process, it shouldn't be a surprise or left to the final session. When i'm asked to include this agreement, i let the parties know at the outset and ask them to take notes along the way about what goes into that agreement.
Generally, assuming the parties continue in their current position, there are three possible outcomes to the intervention:
My purpose in writing this book has been to help you be successful in supporting your [possessive] people to communicate, resolve their differences, and work together amicably and productively. Conflict is a restriction of energy. Your task is to free up that energy for more productive and purposeful use--for your [possessive] people, your team, and your organization or company. Imagine untangling a knot. You go at it slowly and methodically. You stay focused and present, seeing how each strand plays a part in the restriction and where the knot is most unyielding. You work gently to find where the strands want to move. You don't push or pull; you work with them, guiding them until the strands are free to move independently to accomplish their purpose.
author: Ringer, Judy, 1949-
detail: https://www.judyringer.com/blog/turn-enemies-into-allies-the-art-of-peace-in-the-workplace-20181204
title: Turn Enemies Into Allies