When i finally took notice of my communication style, i realized none of it was actually mine! This book came out of my own need to redefine my communication style. When i looked closely, i saw that my default methods of communication led me to interact with others in a way that was completely out of step with what i really wanted. The Buddhist four elements of right speech, or four rules of communication, and over the last five years i have modernized and melded them with other forms of mindful, nonviolent, and what i call self-responsible communication to create a working practice.
Right Speech:
Three Questions: Is what i am about to say:
... my experience is that very few people are able to give up speaking untruths altogether. But if we can become mindful of when, where, and most importantly why we lie, we have taken the first step toward eliminating or at least minimizing them from our communications.
Here are some ways you can prevent exaggeration from your communications:
Pay attention to words that overemphasize the negative or positive of a situation.
Pay attention to your reactions. Are they over the top? Is it all about you?
Check whether you are feeling "better than" or "less than" whomever you are with, remembering that in reality this isn't possible.
Litmus test for gossip: What if the person i'm talking about heard me?
Before you share information from someone else, ask yourself:
Helpful language:
To accomplish right speech, you need to:
How to listen to yourself:
Complainer
Instead of saying: The food was good, but the restaurant was too loud. Say something like: The food was good and the restaurant was loud.
Apologizer
Consider whether you actually feel apologetic before saying you are sorry. Would "excuse me," "pardon me," or nothing at all work better?
Many psychologists identify the stories we tell ourselves as the basis for our limiting beliefs. The process begins with seeing them for what they are: stories.
When facing a negative self story, say to yourself:
Feel the difference in your emotional state after you tell yourself these things. Then ask yourself:
Identifying, naming, and exposing our fears to the light of day begins to take away their power, because they are no longer unconsciously defining us.
Then comfort yourself and say:
Do this until calmed. Then ask:
This is the path to changing your internal communication style. Once you are no longer trapped by your own self-deprecating stories, you are better able to have conversations with others that are open, honest, and come with no agenda.
Process for noticing how we speak to others:
One of the most important pieces in transforming your communication from reactive to responsive is to simply pause before speaking. Why? Because that is where you get the opportunity to reflect on how you are feeling in the present moment, see yourself and others with compassion, and in so doing, you are far more likely to move away from reacting in the same old way.
... I'd like to advocate the idea that you can pause a conversation as well. For example, let's say you are in a conversation and you get caught somewhere between these steps--you've identified your feelings but can't get to a place of compassion. I suggest saying something like "I really want to discuss this, but i think things are a bit confusing and complicated for me right now. I need some time to think about this and get back to you."
One often overlooked tool that can help us communicate more effectively is humor, which, much like the pause, can help defuse tension in a stressful situation.
Four steps:
How to be a present listener:
Three techniques to de-clutter your headspace:
Notice when your attention has drifted to the past, future, what you're going to say next, etc. Acknowledge that to yourself without judgment and bring your attention back into the present interaction.
Being present in a conversation looks like the following process.
By drifting and refocusing, we're constantly coming back to the present moment again and again, keeping us tied to the conversation we're in and aware of its needs.
How to see from another person's perspective:
To see from another person's perspective we must see them as an equal. Enter a conversation viewing everyone involved as deserving of love and support.
When you feel yourself reacting strongly to criticism, it's a good indication that the criticism is true--at least on some level. The practice of listening to others invites us to look within, and accept any truth that we find. Constructive feedback is actually a gift, some piece of information about yourself that you have hitherto been unable to see, but you have to make yourself willing and available to see it.
Even when we aren't quite sure we can see the truth in it, it's often best to reply with something like, "I recognize your point of view. I think i need to take some time to think about what you have said."
How can i be helpful to others?
When you're with someone who is upset, notice whether they are identifying their feelings or focusing exclusively on a story. If it's the latter, ask how they are feeling in that moment. This helps them move closer to healing what's happening inside. When someone asks you for feedback, a good rule of thumb is to "share your experience" rather than give advice.
Being there means caring about others and wanting the best for them. Being there for someone is a form of communication that is beyond words. To be there is to accept the other person in all their joy and pain. Through the act of really listening, you are sending the message of "I'm here for you. You are not alone."
Three practical ways to show your support for someone in a conversation:
Additional tools:
If we start to pay conscious attention to our word choice before we speak, then we can choose wisely before it's too late. The first step to conscious speech involves slowing the communication down. Discerning what is worth a response and what is worthy of a simple acknowledgment instead means we have to change the rhythm of the conversation. We can slow the beats of the conversation by drawing out the space between our thoughts and words.
Before we speak:
The next step toward conscious speech is to know what is and isn't your responsibility within a conversation. You are in control of your speech. You are not in control of other's interpretations and reactions. As a listener, you are in control of your own interpretations and reactions.
What i have learned is that if someone is having a bad day or a difficult time, there is nothing wrong with trying to make that person feel better, as long as you remember that ultimately it's up to them to have the self-awareness to see what the trouble is and then decide what needs to happen in order to feel better. It's the other person's responsibility to learn how to alleviate their own pain. We can acknowledge the pain, be there for the pain, listen to the pain, but it's not our pain to resolve, nor is it within our power to do so.
Before you go to your next meeting or important conversation, ask the following questions:
By writing this down you can more easily stay focused on having productive, healthy dialogue.
Our responsibility in a conversation both as a speaker and a listener is your:
The fewer words we use, the more likely we are to choose them consciously. The more we pare down our words, the more expressive we can actually be. Filtering our words through the four elements of right speech makes it easier for us to reign them in. Using fewer words helps to avoid distraction and helps our listener to understand and respond to us.
Vague language creates ambiguity in conversation, which can lead to difficulties later that could have been avoided. Be more clear by saying what you mean, asking for what you need, and being specific.
Notice silence--how you're using it, what the feeling is behind it--and see things from the other person's perspective with loving eyes. Use gaps when speaking to include others in the conversation, turning the conversation away from I to we. Take time to think about your interactions to make sure they are kind, honest, and helpful.
Mindful silence is sitting for five, ten, twenty minutes or more, in silence with a focused attention. Noticing our thoughts and feelings, but not attaching to them; simply accepting them and then letting go to come back to the focus of our attention, which can be our breath, our body, a mantra, etc. Mindful silence in this context is meditation.
Meditation helps us accept what is happening in the moment. This allows us to be more open and compassionate with others, and to see situations and circumstances more clearly; but it is not a one-time-only kind of deal. Meditation is never accomplished, finished, or mastered. It is a practice that, when cultivated, reminds us that at any point in our communications we can refocus, come back to our breath, and start again.
Meditation to detach from a story line:
Assume your meditation posture and close your eyes. Inhale and exhale to center yourself. Think of the stories you've been gathering. What have you been obsessing over or talking about with others again and again? See the story and invite the feeling behind it. Ask yourself, What do i feel? What am i really feeling right now? How do i feel hurt? Once you conjure these emotions, put your hand on your heart and say "I see you." Say it as many times as you need to. "I see you. I know you're hurting. I'm here for you." Continue to comfort yourself in the meditation for several minutes.
When i've reacted to someone or said something that wasn't in line with the elements of right speech, instead of getting stuck in the shame cycle, making myself feel worse, i detach from my own judgment by asking for forgiveness and forgiving myself. I close my eyes and focus on what i have done to cause someone else harm. I see the pain i've caused and i say, "Please forgive me for my reaction. I see you're upset by my reaction. Please forgive me." Then i turn the words on myself. I forgive you for your reaction. I forgive you for your reaction...
Meditation to balance or re-balance communication:
Focus on vishudda (throat) chakra and using seed sound Hum.
author: Kane, Cynthia
ISBN: 978-1938289514
title: How To Communicate Like A Buddhist