#Life would be so very easy if we only had the source code.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s1. "I thought I fixed that."
?Programmers do it in microseconds.
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
!Everybody must believe - I believe I'll have another beer.
^Don't play "stupid" with me... I'm better at it.
#If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
?Programmers do it bit by bit.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
#TAP TAP TAP Is this thing on?
?Xerox never comes up with anything original anymore.
!There are three ways to get something done: %s%s   1) do it yourself %s   2) hire someone to do it %s   3) forbid your kids to do it.
?God is a comic playing to an audience afraid to laugh.
#Happy Birthday!! (well, I'll be right one day).
?I think ... therefore I am overqualified.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
'"In the end gravity always wins."%s%s - Dolly Parton.
?Programmers do it all night.
#Enter any 12-digit prime number to continue.
!Life is like a bath, the longer your in it the more wrinkled you get.
?That for every problem, there's a solution that's simple, elegant and wrong?
?Today is a "Honey do day" Honey do this, honey do that...
#Is it Friday yet??!!
^What the !@#$ were you expecting for me to put here?
?I have a 9600bps modem and 1.5bps fingers.
#Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s4. "You can't use that version on your system."
#Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
?Programmers do it with their fingers.
+If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
!If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
#If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
!You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
+You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
?Diplomacy is saying: "Nice doggie!"... till you can load your shotgun.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
+If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
+Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
+After eating do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
+Should animal shampoo be tested on humans?
?Programmers repeat it until done.
#If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
+What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
+When sign makers go on strike, do they carry "blank" picket signs?
?Programmers do it with disks.
+When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
+When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
+Why do you see pet dogs wearing sweaters, but you never see pet fish in bathing trunks?
!Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
+Why do they report power outages on TV?
?A programmer is a machine for converting coffee to software.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
?Programmers cycle forever, until you make them exit.
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -Big power surges knock them out for the night.
?Programmers do it in higher levels.
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -It is always necessary to have a backup.
?Programmers have bigger disks.
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
?Programmers do it in loops.
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -Beauty is only shell deep.
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -They make you take the garbage out.
'"You will use Windows. Resistance is Futile."%s%s - Bill Gates
?There is always a law against doing anything interesting.
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -Smalltalk is important.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s8. "It works, but it's not been tested."
?I am always exact and precise (more or less).
?Murphy was an optimist.
?Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
#Window-screen: An arrangement for keeping flies in.
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -The lights are on but nobody's home.
#Shareware, crippleware, annoyware, underwear.
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
#AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
#Windows would be better with curtains.
^Shouldn't you be doing something useful?
#Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written.
?Modem sex begins with a handshake.
#No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
+How do you throw away a garbage can?
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -Picky, picky, picky.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s10. "I can't test everything!"
#Everybody should believe: I believe I'll have a drink.
+Is there another word for synonym?
#If you can't make it work, make a statistic of it.
#Those who can't write, write manuals.
?Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
+Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" show?
#Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue.
?Programmers do it on command.
?Whatever you delete today, you desperately need tomorrow.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
#If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
+"Daddy, what does 'Read error in FAT' mean?"
+"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?"
+"DEL *.* Does WHAT?" 
#How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
?Iraq shot down 38 Patriot Missiles with their SCUDS.
+"Where is everything? All I typed was "Format c:".
#Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
#COFFEE.COM not found: A)dd more, R)eheat F)reak out.
'"Experience comes from bad judgment." %s%s - Mark Twain.
!Quick. Operator. Give me the number for 911.
!Jury: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
?Programmers will do it all night, but only if you are debugged.
'"Abort, Retry, Fail?"%s%s - Saddam Hussein's mom. 
?I multitask... I read in the bathroom.
#Of course I tessssted it.
#24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Hmmmm...
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s12. "You must have wrong version."
#Syntax Error in KITCHEN.H : COFFEE not found.
?A lady is one who only shows her underwear intentionally.
?Electricians do it 'till it Hz.
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. 
?engineers do it by calculation and design.
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -Size does matter.
?Very few jobs actually require a penis or vagina.
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
#Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
!Suicidal twin kills brother by mistake.
#Let me know if this message doesn't get through to you.
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -Miss a period and they go wild.
?No-one ever reads these things...
#America was not discovered by Americans, shame on them.
?He who laughs last probably made a backup.
#Keep grandma off the streets - legalize bingo.
?There's at least one fool in every married couple.
!1024x768x256... Sounds like one mean woman.
^If people listened to themselves, they would shut up.
#I have lost my mind, but it must be backed-up somewhere.
!A perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
#History is made at night.
#Please let me know if you did not receive this.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
+If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his "hands" with soap?
#Put on your seatbelt. I'm gonna try something new.
#Smoking is one of leading causes of statistics.
?Programmers get overlaid.
#User Error: Replace user, hit any key to continue.
'"Nurse! I said: SLIP off his SPECtacles!"
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s14. "There is something funky in your data"
#Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
#Get me some coffee and then ask me in ten minutes.
+Gee... What's that ticking in the corner?
#I like the 486 tower. Does it come in red? 
?Complexity isn't the answer - it's the problem. 
#Help. I'm trapped at 0D1C:01DA. 
?Architecture is the art of how to waste space. 
!Some days the only good thing on TV is the vase. 
#Blow your mind, smoke gunpowder.
?Windows 3.0 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy. 
!Teacher (according to a child): A non-violent mother. 
'"640K ought to be enough for anybody." %s%s -Bill Gates, 1981. 
#Sex is not a answer. Sex is a question. Yes is the answer.
^Always remember, to copy a disk is not to Xerox it. 
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash."
#Error:015 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. 
+Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
#You got to stop screwing around, daddy. 
#I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole. 
?The Caldecott Tunnel has less traffic than that vagina. 
#Stupid: Being unable to find your own butt in the dark. 
!Dumb v2.0: Upgrade from stupid. 
!I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse 
#Dancing: A vertical manifestation of a horizontal desire. 
#As I was saying, I hate it when people don't finish their 
'"Build a watch in 56,179 easy steps" %s%s -C. Forsberg. 
?After two weeks of dieting, all I lost was two weeks. 
#If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s16. "It must have a hardware problem."
#I just took an IQ test. The results were negative. 
?Black holes were created when God divided by zero. 
#A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
?Barometer: Indicates what kind of weather we are having. 
#Yeah, but what's the speed of DARK? 
?Middle age: When your age starts to show at your middle. 
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s17. "How is that possible?"
#Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot. 
?A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame. 
?This software will eliminate all misakes. 
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
?A "program" is used to turn data into error messages.
#Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s18. "It worked yesterday."
#Beer and women: Two of God's best gifts to mankind. 
+Gee, I wonder what this key does? 
#Synonym: A word you use when you can't spell the other. 
#I like work. I can sit and look at it for hours. 
?If it works, Don't fix it: Unless you are a consultant. 
#One of the reasons Compilers are female:%s%s -They are always turning simple statements into big productions.
?If it works, it must be obsolete. 
#If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s19. "It's never done that before."
?If it works, rip it apart and find out why. 
#Trust me, would I lie to you..... again? 
#One of the reasons Computers are male:%s%s -A better model is always just around the corner.
#I only wrote the thing, I don't have to understand it.
?There are THREE kinds of people in the world... Those that can count and those that can't.
!Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work: %s%s20. "That's Weird..."