From: pilot@scientology.at (The Pilot)
Subject: SUPER SCIO - RESPONSES TO STATUS
Date: 03 Nov 2000 00:00:00 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.clearing.technology

SUPER SCIO - RESPONSES TO STATUS

Yesterday I posted "SUPER SCIO - STATUS IN RESPONSE TO DA2"
and there have been quite a few interesting responses.

Most of what I said about my personal state is really a repeat
of what I've been saying since December, but this is the first
time that I've felt that people have really duplicated it.

I suppose that I've been very carefull about not pushing the 
real world facts into everybody's face for fear of disappointing
you about tech and so I pussyfooted around in my earlier posts
and mostly kept my mouth shut.

But the truth of the matter is that things are bad and have
been bad for nearly a year now.  I am in a state of perpetual
misery which permeates the physical, mental, emotional, and
spiritual systems (earth, air, fire, and water if you like the
old metaphysical approach).

To be fair, there is an obvious gain from the tech which is
that I can shift at will between the various frames of reference.
I can be upset because I'm not having sex (physical) or because
nobody cares about me at an intimate level (emotional) or
because I can't figure my way out of this (mental) or be OT
enough to handle this (spiritual).  The freedom to shift instead
of sitting on a stuck point is wonderful.  However, the fact
that there is something screwed up on all levels is a bit of
a horror.

I'm not going to quote every response in detail because there
were quite a few of them, but I did read them all and thank
everybody for their concern and suggestions.

One popular response was to suggest that I try helping others.
That one really bypassed charge.  I spent years in totally
selfless help and from a humanoid viewpoint, not only did I
get nothing for it but I ended up totally destroyed emotionally.
But that statement is unfair.  Really I must have some sort
of postulate that I can't get anything good from helping because
that would make it a paid for transaction instead of selfless
help.  And so whatever help I do provide or might have accomplished
can be taken without any feeling of obligation, but please don't
suggest that the way out for me is to help others because I've
already done that.  It just invalidates what I did do to say 
such a thing.

Another common one was to talk about living in the real world
instead of my own mind (processing etc.).

This has a lot of truth in it.  In fact I said that I was shifting
over to that basis in a number of posts this year but I probably
did not make myself clear on that point, being reluctant to
express my own dissillusionment with the tech.

Way back in December, I ran charge off of the 2D area like a
madman.  That was my attempt to handle this with processing,
documented in post69.  It failed totally and I realized that 
I did have to get out into the real world and live life.

The logical corralary was that the tech did not truely work
(as far as affecting the real world) and only made one feel
good and confident enough to go out and do something real
(the psychological viewpoint).

I held that viewpoint and the end result was that things got
worse by an order of magnitude.

I have learned, by hard experience, that either way of looking
at it is wrong and makes things worse.

Hence my comment about using a multi-pronged approach that
includes both processing and trying to operate in the real
world.

The long tech talk in the last post was just my way of being
nice and passing on some of the useful things I'd run.  I
really am spending more time on the practicalities of life
than on processing right now.  But if I have any hope of
making it through this, it will be by doing both rather than
one or the other.

And of course these things feed back and forth into each
other.  It should be obvious that you can take some charge
off of something that is hard to do and make it easier.  But
then you have to go and really do it.  And maybe that makes
more charge which you then run out so that you can go and
do the damn thing again.  The maximum progress is achived
by alternating the two, doing real things and also handling
charge as it occurs.

I have gotten a lot of insights from processing in the area.
The simple identification of my real target as being
"affectionate sex" actually had a great deal of importance
and has made everything simpler.  Until I got that, i didn't
even know what I was looking for.  Just searching for sex
in a physical sense actually would make the emotional charge
worse, and just looking for affection would make the physical
charge worse.  It is not just that the wrong target will
wast time, but that going after the wrong target actually
bypasses charge to an amazing degree.

I did want to quote a response from Joseph Walter 
<jaw1@mindspring.com> because it duplicated my condition so
well.

> This concept of lack of a 2D relationship being a constant
> restimulator is incredibly real to me. I pretty much figured out that
> having a partner on some level was *the key* to keeping me stable and
> sane, back when I was in college. I remember, every time I had a
> girlfriend, which thankfully was almost always, I walked around quite
> keyed out, could operate very effectively in all areas of life and it
> was a pleasure to be alive.The few times I was without, the misery
> level was intolerable. And, it wasn't grief or sadness or heartbreak
> over the loss of a girlfriend - honestly - just the mere condition of
> being without one was enough to leave me completely unhinged for some
> reason.

Some other helpful responses pointed me towards yet more
drills that can be run.  Although I am aimed more towards
the real world right now, I will give them a try when the mood
seems right because I am switching off between multiple avenues
of handling.  Although I do not expect miracle results right
now, I am always open to something spectacular happening and
I'm quite willing to have anything work.

Another good reponse was from Ouran and he reminded me that
he had posted (and sent me) a new OT drill which I'd liked
very much and even used to blow a somatic when I read it.
Here I have to appologize for my current flaky state.  I tend
to bounce around like a cat on a hot tin roof and so I often
read or try something and mean to say something about it and
then I get distracted by something else and never do get back
to it.  People who email me are used to this abberant behavior
on my part.  All I can say in justification is that it is
better for me to be hopping around on that hot roof than for
me to just be lying down and frying in the sun.

Physical appearance was a good suggestion too.  Luckily I'm
tall, slim, and still have my hair.  I've been slowly working
through a list of items (such as getting new glasses etc.) and
I'm down to doing the last one, which is the horror of getting
my teeth fixed.  That last one is a bad 2D turnoff (but has
not kept all the girls away) and maybe should have been done
earlier, but the physical and financial impacts are rough and
so I left it for the end.  I used to have terrible tooth trouble,
and it seemed to get worse while I was doing S/NOTS back in
the eighties, and then it all stopped when I ran the penalty
universe goal "To Eat".  But obviously it was a keyout because
I didn't have any teeth growing back but just stopped having
somatics and decay.  So I've been afraid to muck with the area
for fear of unstabilizing a temporary rest point that was only
keyed out.  And I was right about that.  Simply making a dentists
appointment started up a series of somatics that I haven't had
for about ten years and god knows how bad its going to get before
I have the area fully handled.  This one is my last shot as
far as any kind of physical handling goes and I just hope that
it pushes me over the edge.  If it doesn't then I will simply
have added more charge to an already touchy situation.

But I used to have 2D trouble even when everything was working
in my favor.  Back in the late 70s I was alone and desperate
and threw some parties at my apartment near the Scn complex.
That let me play the piano with some music in front of me and
that's a good way to attract women.  In fact some girls told
me that they only came to the parties to hear me play.  But
even with a dozen girls falling all over me while I rattled
off a Rachmaninoff concerto, somehow or other I managed to
blow them all off in the other direction as soon as I got off
the piano.  The parties were a total success as far as anyone
who attended them was concerned, but for me that entire attempt
was a total bust.  And I'll be lucky if I'll ever get back to
such a level now.

Back in December I really was isolated and alone.  That has
changed.  It's been a long hard road but nowardays I do have
some girls I can take out to dinner or dance with etc.  But
nothing beyond a very shallow connection.  I'm still in a
vacume spiritually and its like there is a black moat surronding
me.  One problem is that it seems like there are so few
who are on the same wavelenght as I am.  Another is that
the must-have is a sure fire way to keep terminals away
(and yes, I can run a process and blow it for an evening,
that's how come I have any terminals at all, but its always
back the next day).  And as for finding anyone with shared
goals and interests, I'm beginning to doubt that such a
person even exists.

Feeling some psychic hatred from Osa and the orthodox
Scientologists doesn't help either.

And so it might be awhile yet (if ever) before I start writing 
instensively.  We'll just have to see what happens.


Feeling a bit lost and alone,

Ken aka The Pilot
truthseeker7@excite.com


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This post will be included in the next Super Scio Archive.
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