[=x-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-]
[<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>]
[=x-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-]
Stardate: 20191203.1227
Location: SBUX
Input Device: AlphaSmart dana.wireless
Software: AlphaWord
Audio: SBUX Muzak
Visual: Oatmeal, SBUX coffee drinkers, cars
Emotional State: numb, low-grade depression
***WARNING: Long, deep dive entry***
[=x-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-]
I woke up about an hour ago. I think I have been going
through some low-grade depression. I think it has been going
on for awhile now; I just haven't allowed myself to slow down
and let it fully manifest.
The past month or so, I have just been going and going.
Attending to work matters, attending to family matters,
attending to stuff...just not really taking care of myself
physically as well as emotionally. My diet is crap, my sleep
is minimal, my exercise, heh, what is this exercise you speak
of? So yeah, I have not been taking good care of myself.
So this past long weekend with all of the Thanksgiving stuff
and cold weather going on, I basically had a system crash.
Oh, I also had my son's soccer tournament to attend to on
Sunday, which had me out in the elements and did not help.
Sunday night, I'm coughing and congested. No restful sleep
Monday, I'm totally useless and stay in bed for most of the
day. I call in sick. Monday night, same thing. Not much
restful sleep. I stay in bed for Tuesday morning. Now I'm
at SBUX writing.
I think this past couple days of rest and downtime has been
good. I think that it was inevitable with the trajectory
that I have been going. It is not good for me to try to keep
going like I have been without taking proper care of myself.
It is just not sustainable.
Along with all of this there is the whole emotional factor
that gets messed up. I stop feeling, I go numb, and I just
keep going like some cyborg automaton. Then I crash and I
need to go in for repairs and the cycle repeats. Lather,
rinse, repeat. The thing about going in for repairs is
that physically, I get better. Mentally, yeah a bit better.
Emotionally...
I think I jump back into the game too soon without attending
to my emotional state. It is easy for me to overlook. I use
my responsibilities to steamroll over any emotional incidents
that happen to manifest and need to be processed. Whether it
be work, my wife, my kids, my family obligations, my
projects...I will find some kind of excuse not to look at
my emotional state. This backfires too because I start seeing the
neglect of my emotions trickle in to other parts of my life,
like my responsibilities or how I (mis)treat people.
I think that one of the reasons I don't want to deal with the
emotions is that it slows me down...or so I think. Like, I'm
trying to do all this stuff and just try to keep up with my
responsibilities...I don't have time to break down, look at
all the pieces, debug, and recompile. So I keep operating
with buggy code. In the short term, I can get by, but in the
long term, I end up with system crashes like this one.
One of the warning signs for me that things were not so good
was my online time and playing video games. Being online and
video games has been a really good escape for me in the past.
BBS's and video games were a big part of my survival in
adolescense. I cannot afford to be living in that world for
too long in my adult life...especially with dependents. I
need to keep that in check.
Lately, I have been playing way too much Minecraft on the
SDF server. I used to play Minecraft quite a bit when my
kids were younger. I even set up a server at home that
we used to play together. They don't play much these
days and I have been rediscovering Minecraft on the SDF
server.
I'll keep playing even when I am beyond tired. I'll even
think about Minecraft when I'm walking around in the woods,
IRL. I'll catch myself thinking of Minecraft at work or at
church or wherever. I'm a damb gud Minecraft player!
Preoccupations with Minecraft...sounds like I might have a
problem...
Well, not just Minecraft. It could be anything. It could be
a project I'm fixated on at work. It could be a woodworking
project I'm fixated at home. It could be micromanaging my
finances. It could be tracking my health metrics. It could
be a new Raspberry Pi project that I want to do. It
could a series I want to binge watch on Netflix (I want my
xxx hours of life back, damb u Netflix!!!). It could be
anything. The point is that I need to keep these things in
check because when I don't, I get lost in those worlds and
anything and everything tends to slip away and turn to shit.
I end up with blinders on to the world outside of the object
of my hyperfocus. And this is dangerous headspace.
Especially when it gets to the point of stuff not getting
done, bills not getting paid, appointments not being kept,
obligations not being met.
And then I get stuck. Stuck on this trajectory of hyperfocus
where it is too hard to get unstuck and I just keep going and
going and going, runaway processes, resources gets maxed, CPU
gets pegged...until system failure.
So now I am at the point where I have experienced system
failure and have been forced to disconnect from the network.
I have been dropped down into single user mode and have been
reviewing the dump file. I have a discussion with the kernel
and ask, what is going on here? What am I avoiding? What am
I not seeing? Do I need upgrades? Do I need better tools?
Do you not have enough resources to operate efficiently? Are
the child processes taxing the resources of the parent
processes? Does a rate-limit need to be implemented? Does
the firewall need to be updated? Have the system logs been
neglected? Are they telling me something that needs to be
attended to?
So this is where I am at. Some of these inquiries will be
answered and some will not. I think what will be beneficial
for me moving forward is to be open for the answers,
implement upgrades where applicable, and be mindful of my
resource allocation in the upcoming days...especially with
busy times just starting with the holidays and all.
As for the emotional component, I recognize it as being there
and I just need to sit with it and experience it when it
manifests. It should not be steamrolled, ignored, or
controlled The energy needs to process and dissapate.
Sorry if this has been too long-winded. I understand if you
do not want to read the whole thing. This post was mostly
meant for my benefit, to find out where I am at because I
seem to have lost my way and blind when I am caught up in the
whirlwind of my own headspace. It is only when I take
the time to disconnect and barf out the debris in my head
that I can truly see where I am at.
It's kinda funny how my human condition gets translated into
computer terminology. Well, you gopher people probably get
the gist of what I am trying to say. Most earth people would
not...then again, gopher people are people of the earth, no?
[=x-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-=x=-]