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       Stardate: 20190512.1257 
       Location: Family Room
       Input Device: AlphaSmart dana.wireless
       Software: AlphaWord
       Audio: Dryer
       Visual: Nothing in particlar
       Emotional State: Slothful
       
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       I've been in a weird in between, inner conflict kinda state 
       lately.  It feels like I have 2 parts of me that keeps 
       fighting each other.  I have the one side, the responsible 
       adult person who does things that adults do, like pay 
       bills, shows up to work, attends to his yard and his 
       family...and there is the rebellious teenager in me, who 
       doesn't want to be told what to do, wants to be lazy and make 
       a mess, wants to be irresponsible, and says, "fuck you," 
       to authority and to the world.  That rebellious teenager 
       seems to have come to the forefront lately..
       
       Lately, I have had some responsibilities to attend to that 
       require the presense of my adult self, but my rebellious 
       teenager is not having any of that. My adult self is too worn 
       out to deal with fighting the teen and is not doing anything 
       about him.  He just waits until the teen is done with his
       tantrum and cares enough about him to let him get his needs 
       met.  So the adult just waits and rests until the teen is done.
       
       In the meantime, stuff is not getting done in a timely 
       fashion and the adult in me is feeling like a flake, with a 
       hole being dug deeper and deeper while the teen makes a mess 
       of things.  I hope he goes away soon, because it's getting 
       old and he has made quite the mess this time.
       
       I am aware that this is something that stems from the 
       wreckage of my past and that this will pass in its own time.  
       It is time to yield and and let him do his thing.  I'm not 
       sure if other people have this kind of inner conflict or 
       what they do to deal with it.  For me, this conflict seems to 
       be a cyclical thing and manifests when the conditions are 
       ripe.  Right now, it just feels appropriate to observe and 
       let it pass.  Not sure how long that is going to be 
       and it should be of no concern.
       
       It would probably be best to try and keep myself in the now.  
       Regret and fear seems to live in the past and in the future.  
       Those places are not fun to dwell in.  So I will be present 
       in the sacred now and practice my guitar for a bit and 
       whatever happens after that happens.  I am not going there
       right now.
       
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