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Stardate: 20190427.1216
Location: SBUX
Input Device: Gemini PDA, BT Keyboard
Software: termux/vim
Audio: SBUX Muzak
Visual: SBUX counter, barista, coffee drinkers
Emotional: Recovering from being busy, uh, overcast?
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It has been too busy for me lately and I've had to reinforce some
boundaries with what I have been agreeing/disagreeing with doing...
with work, with family, with my own wants and needs. It has been a
healthy exercise and something that I need to keep in check.
There are times where I disregard myself and stop taking care of me
and the things that I want and need. Then it just turns out messy and
I become burnt and not fun to be around. So over the past week or
so, I have said no to many requests all for the sake of taking better
care of myself. I have to make the most of my commitments to my
yes's and no's these days. I am not too effective when I don't.
This has not always been the case. Earlier on in my life, I was not
aware of stuff like setting healthy boundaries or taking care of
myself. It was mostly about the wants and needs of others,
especially if it was for the family or groups of other people. I
guess that's the way I was brought up with my family of origin, you
always thought about others ahead of yourself. To put your wants
ahead of others is being selfish and is shameful. Not like survival
or basic needs kinda stuff, but personal wants kind of stuff.
For example, today it has been requested that I make an appearance
at my cousin's birthday party with my family. Before, I would show up
without thinking to much about it, even though I feel burnt out and
still recovering from being on call over the past couple of weeks.
Before, I would be expected to go and I would just comply because of
family obligations...even though we already celebrated his birthday
earlier this week. If I did not show up, it would be a bad thing(tm),
not just for the family's impression of me, but for my perception of
myself and would feel shame for letting down the family.
Instead, I took care of myself and kindly turned down the request
with no baggage attached to that decision imposed by myself or by
others. It has taken a lot of work to get to this point and I seem
to be having some success with it.
These days, I have been taking strides at de-programming myself of
these kinds of unproductive scripts from my past and have been
setting better boundaries for myself. It is important for myself
and everybody around me. Some don't really understand and quite
frankly, it's not really any of my business that they understand.
What is important is that I understand and my intentions are true.
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