this is the last
            online will and
               testament
        
           of someone whose
            online journey
           began in the late
           1980s by visiting
             "local bbses"
        
             and then the
            internet proper
          in the early 1990s
          via an early linux,
          whose distribution
          name the author no
           longer remembers
        
           obtaining a linux
            distribution at
           2400 baud wasn't
                trivial
        
            downloads were
           easily disrupted
             by phone line
           glitches/hiccups,
               requiring
             reconnecting,
          requiring starting
            a download all
              over again
        
          and then installing
            such a beast on
           specific hardware
             was hardly a
            licketty split
                affair
        
             all this was
            driving by self
           need for contact
             with others,
             which seemed
             prohibitively
             difficult in
               real life
        
              and so the
              possibility
             of attaining
           unto it online -
          especially knowing
          others online would
          automatically have
          at least one thing
           in common due to
           being interested
            in and capable
           of accomplishing
           getting online in
            the first place
             - seemed both
             possible and
               exciting
        
            and although it
           was soon realized
            to be a form of
          denial-based "hope
          against hope", the
           author persisted
            in it for over
             three decades
        
          but it's not really
           the internet per
            se that's been
             disappointing
        
           it is, as usual,
                people
        
            the internet is
          merely a reflection
           of the character
            and subsequent
           behaviors of many
          people collectively
        
             an "emergent
             property", if
               you will
        
              and people
               goddamned
          motherfucking suck
        
           that includes you
        
           and that includes
                  me
        
          the whole lesson of
           online life is no
          different than that
            of offline life
        
          it's to see beyond
          a shadow of a doubt
           that what we take
            to be ourselves
          is merely a mental
          phantom taken to be
          more than a phantom
        
            and it couldn't
            be more poorly
           defined as be-ing
          a free-will entity
           / self / person /
          individual utterly
             separate from
               all else
        
            that definition
          guarantees misery,
          disaster, and so on
        
           online is merely
          yet another search
            for the "right"
             person/people
        
            but the actual
           problem persists
        
          in fact, it drives
            the search for
           being an utterly
           isolated, lonely
           *seeming* entity
        
           even the writing
              of this is
           fundamentally yet
           another pathetic
          attempt by an even
             more pathetic
             pseudo entity
           whose ex-istence
           is maintained by
            implications of
           words that there
           could and must be
             such a thing
        
          except there isn't
        
           know that deeply
        
            and be free of
             the illusion
        
             no, not free
             *person*ally
        
              but free of
            the illusion so
           all-together that
           there's no longer
           a sense of there
          being such a thing
          to be experiencing
             such a thing
        
           this page may be
             updated again
        
             or it may not
        
           it's hard to say
        
              because the
           seeming sayer is
           an illusion that
            could no longer
            be reflected in
           the puddle called
                "mind"
        
                 just
        
                 like
        
                   ~
        
          all through the day
        
               i me mine
        
               i me mine
        
               i me mine
        
            (i.e. the sort
              of thoughts
           that presuppose a
        person/self/individual,
          and thus seemingly
           make it so/real)
        
                   ~
        
            haven't read a
            single blog or
          forum or newsgroup
           in many days now
        
             also stopped
               playing a
              particular
            solitaire game
        
              this issue?
        
             all such feed
             the sense of
           being a separate
          free-willed self /
          person / individual
           willing and doing
                things
        
           because of that,
              they're all
           miserable pursuit
        
          as is all pursuit,
                really
        
          given what we truly
           are is complete,
           never unavailable
        
          never less than all
        
           this activity is
           no different than
          those listed above
        
          and thus is clearly
          begging for misery
        
              inasmuch as
          insisting one is a
          free-willed self /
          person / individual
        
              couldn't be
               otherwise
        
                   ~
        
                  huh
        
              yet another
        
                 week
        
           without searching
          for and/or reading
                 blogs
        
                 fora
        
             whatever the
            goddamned fuck
        
            there's no need
        
               aka want
        
               aka lack
        
               why look
        
           when it's obvious
        
            the looking is
                merely
        
              a symbol of
        
            (did "you" read
           that missing line
              correctly?)
        
        links:
        
        http://sufficient.freeshell.org/Seekers/