* 2026-04-27
I sit once again, 2am, transfixed by the
flickering glow of the television
screen.  The video screen.  The passive,
pass-through-me,
please-take-me-away-from-here screen.
My refuge, my enemy.

I swear them off again.  I return to
books, to reading, to writing, to
exertion and intense effort; get lost in
them, get lost in my thoughts.  I feel
myself growing, feel more Awake somehow.

But i feel my world Shrink, too.  And i
feel some other part atrophying, unable
to decide if it's vestigial.

There's Art in The Screen.  Beauty,
Truth, Insight.  But there's also
Bluntness, Dullness, Impatience,
Passivity.  Obliteration, Oblivion.

I find it harder and harder to turn away
these days.  I also feel many of those
growing, wakeful parts crumbling.  Why
is it so hard to keep these together in
my mind?


* 2026-04-15
Life really is too short.

The more time i spend online socialising
or writing things to help others
understand concepts or my own thoughts,
the less i'm moving forward, grappling
with something new; growing in some of
the key ways i aim to grow (as opposed
to refining and optimising).

On the other hand, when i try to work
all the time, i break down quickly, and
i can't ever seem to Keep Up.  Every
time i wade into the weeds, i find
myself lost, and---worse---losing
perspective.

I'm slow, disabled, and... more than
anything else, frustrated with these.

I remain in awe of the truly
accomplished, well-read, thoughtful
folks out there.


* 2026-04-10
It's difficult knowing that---for many
of us living today---we may have to
spend the rest of our lives clawing back
the social gains that we've made in the
past and begun to lose so quickly.  But
it's the task that is before us, and i
suppose we have to square up to it.

We were fools, letting the bigots be,
thinking we could seal them off and let
them rot together, eat each other in                   
isolation.  "Don't feed the trolls," was                   
a key step in getting here.                                                  

When the time comes 'round again, if i
am still here i hope i have more
patience for fools, for every sage                   
begins as one.  Saving one fool may
spare many lives.


* 2026-04-06 
Two related thoughts:

First, if those who are in favour of
states really want to combat anarchists,
their best bet isn't blunt repression,
but demonstrating---directly, by
example---that many of the (very
popular) goals anarchists seek can be
achieved more successfully using the
tools of the state.  That states
consistently turn to choosing the former
option over the latter is quite
revealing of its true aims; and also
does nothing to fix the problem, because
it does nothing to undermine anarchists'
actual ideas.  Instead of responding to
careful argument with constructive
action, it responds with force---which
only serves to prove anarchists' points.

Similarly, it's wild that for fifty
years anglophone states in the so-called
global north have seen the deep and
myriad problems confronting their
peoples; have insisted that there's no
money to solve them using helpful,
supportive, social techniques; and have
then gone out of their ways to spend
billions on forceful, abusive, and
controlling methods instead, spending at
least as much on the latter as they
would have done on the former.

Whatever people claim, it seems evident
that states are quite unpopular at
present.  In the us, for example, all
branches of the us federal government
have seen awful approval ratings for
years, even as some policies and ideas
that state actors put forth are
otherwise popular.  Liberal defenders
cannot hold people's ears when they
insist that people must come to the
state's defense and aid; and only the
powerful and their sycophants seem to
want much to do with trying to save the
state, wholly in order to build their
own power.  Most folks seem to vote more
out of self-defense than any sense of
faith.  The state, as a popular tool, is
failing, precisely because it has failed
us.  It has consistently chosen
austerity and viciousness over any
positive steps toward compassion, toward
the care and support of its peoples.
Neoliberalism has paved the way for the
fascist turn of late; and even the XXth
century---where the state was at its
height of power and prestige, of holding
peoples' faiths---does not provide an
overly hopeful picture for the potential
of state institutions (with perhaps some
bright, momentary exceptions).

What's especially shameful to me about
the present moment is not that there is
a deep conflict in society, that there's
"extremism" and "tribalism" and
"divisiveness"; these have always been
with us.  It's that those in whom so
much power has been invested have
demonstrated openly that they're just as
small-minded and cynical as those
beneath them socially.  Their existence
is predicated on their being our social
betters, yet they behave like
embarrassing relatives at a holiday
gathering; or like drinking buddies; or
whatever other ordinary peer.  If
they're just like us, then...  why do we
even tolerate their lording over us,
anyway?

This is the fundamental crisis that
confronts the modern state: its
unjustifiability.  The state claims to
give us everything while offering us
virtually nothing---and continues to
take away more and more.  And then the
powerful wonder why we whipped dogs do
not come to its aid in its hour of need?