This entry is going to be a little more personal but I guess the
point of setting up this blog was so that I could have a space to
express myself.  So, I guess, here goes nothing:

There is so much pain and hurt in the past. The thing about coming
back home is that its the place I grew up in but still feel so
trapped and suffocated in. So unlike myself. Its almost as if the
past years that I have been away has sort of been a grand escape
attempt and nothing more. I think I love the woman who gave birth
to me and raised me in ways that I can't understand or express but
I know that I do. Despite the abuse. The years of abuse, mental,
physical and emotional abuse and as I write this I feel naive to
think that the time I was absent would have changed anything.

She's still the same. Or not. As she stands in the hallway hurling
insult after insult, words that cut deep, words that make my heart
bleed, all I can think of is the 8 year old me who was so scared
to spend a night without my father beacuse I was scared of being
alone with her. And if I could, I would go back in time and I would
hug her so tight. Because I am no longer scared of her. She's no
longer the woman who  intimidates me. But she's a woman who I feel
sorry for. She's someone who's stuck in the past and fails to see
the things that the world still offers.  But the pain in my heart
is because I think I want a mum. I think I always did.  Not someone
who would ask me to be grateful because she brought me into this
world but someone who would sit by me when I fell sick as kid,
someone who would braid my hair , someone who would hug me when I
come home. Someone who would tell me that I can live out my dreams
and not someone who would wish eternal suffering upon me. I think
I have been an adult for so long now and I think never really had
the chance to be a kid. There are places that you outgrow as are
people. I think its just sad if this place was what you once called
home and the people your family.

If this was one of those books where you could pick the ending, I
would have chosen any other except this one. But its not and I
think its maybe time to walk away and let go and I know its maybe
all gonna be fine but I think its maybe time to blow out the candle
of hope and to stop being wishful. But to end this on a slightly
better note I am going to try and be grateful for the little things.

1. I made it to Europe! Hey 8 year old me, noone can ever take this
aay from you.  2. There are so many places to go, so many corners
of the world to explore. Doesn't have to be fancy, maybe it can
just be a flower you have never seen before.  3. Giant bowls of
pasta 4. Nature walks 5. Jasmine Tea at the pancake place