[   2025.09.21 ]
[ time elapsed ]

i see from the most recent file (before this one) in this gopher hole that i haven't put anything here in over a 
year. that surprised me, but i guess time has no meaning anymore here in the end times.

maybe more alarming is how little has changed in over a year. i mean, yeah, my dog died. that sucked. but i'm 
still not sleeping for shit, i'm still frustrated by ... well, by myself, i guess. my mental health. looking back 
at that entry, it feels like i've been emotionally and psychologically stagnant for 15 months. and if that is the 
case, how depressing is that? but ok, let me be... positive (blech). the dog had been sick for all of that time, 
and a lot of my energy went into his care and maintenance. preparing his meds, helping him get around because he 
went both deaf and blind; in later months, dressing his sores and some days hand-feeding him. it's not as if his 
care absorbed *all* of my time, but it was emotionally draining. the positive part of this is that hopefully in 
the wake of his passing, i can reclaim some focus on myself. or perhaps i was using his illness and decline as a 
tactic to avoid doing just that: self-reflection.

if i am honest with myself, my inaction and stagnation are rooted in fear. fear of what my partner will think, 
fear that if i pursue any kind of physical or medical transition that... well, not even that she will leave, but 
moreso that i would be blowing up her life and not only my own. but if i never look too closely or too honestly at 
myself, at my wants and needs, i never have to confront those possibilities. of course, that presents another 
problem: unhappiness. by unhappiness, i don't mean depression, though that's certainly around. i mean that it is 
difficult for me, as a depressed person who is also quite cynical, the notion of transition is the only thing in 
years to give me real hope about the future. that is, real hope of feeling fulfilled. myself. happy. which leaves 
me in a pretty common transgender pickle: risk literal life and limb by transitioning (you can do a news search 
for dates around the timestamp of this entry to see what i mean); or risk suicidal ideation, massive depression, 
and all sorts of misery and malaise by *not* transitioning. unfortunately, my morals and ethics, and my 
understanding of myself, my body, and my identity in no way mitigate the violence being directed at trans people 
right now. 

hopefully i will be posting more here. more frequently, that is. i have spent a bit too much time poring over the 
creation of a personal website. and i may still want that, but text is my preferred medium. and gopher works more 
than fine for text. it's not exactly easy to *find* a gopher hole unless you're already gopher-brained, but then 
i'm not seeking an audience or a way to monetize my life experience. at least not at the moment.

so i feel like something is imminent. that i need to talk to my partner about... well, just to be frank, be messy, 
and let her in on the brainspace clusterfuck in my head. that's another thing i fear, because while i do owe it to 
her to be honest and forthright, i worry that my shit will exacerbate her shit. i probably shouldn't worry about 
that, since she put up with me as an active alcoholic for years, emotional abuse and all. so an honest reckoning 
with myself, and sharing that with her... actually, that's another fear. that any progressive action i take in 
furtherance of transition impacts her life in ways i don't want to impose. 

until later,
peachfiend