I once worked for an anti-virus company in the malware department. The job was
not fun, cubicles are hell, but the view from the 18th floor of the bay made it
almost worth it.

"Hi, thanks for calling **** in San Diego. My name is Wayne, how can I help
you today?"

We were told it was important to establish we're not outsourced to put
customers at ease. Sometimes it's enough to diffuse a bad call at the start.
Not so much this time.

"I have a virus on my pc that you all let get through your software!"

"I understand your frustration but I'll help you get that fixed and make sure
it won't happen again. What seems to be happening? Do you have anything on the
screen or other strange symptoms?"

"I can't get to the internet."

"Okay, what happens when you try to go online?"

"Nothing, I can't get to the internet?"

"Hmm... Can you take me through what your usual process is and describe every
detail? Tell me what you are clicking, what you type, what you see on the
screen?"

*Sigh* "You're supposed to be the one fixing this, not making me do it!"

"Sorry ma'm, this is how we fix it. I have to know what is happening in order
to know what needs to be done."

"Fine..."

After waiting an uncomfortable number of seconds for her to tell me what is
going on, I start to feel like she may not have understood what I was
asking her to do.

"Ma'm? Can we start?"

"I'm trying, it's not working!"

"Ahh, okay, I need you to describe to me what you're doing and what you see."

*Ugh* "Okay, I clicked on the internet and it's not coming up."

"Did anything come up? Anything on the screen?"

"No."

"What icons do you have on your desktop?"

"I can't see them."

"Why not? is something in the way?"

"Yeah, the thing keeping me from getting to the internet!"

"What thing? Does it say anything?"

"No, just some crap about service... something or another."

(In the background) "Mom, who are you talking to?"

"The virus people!"

"Why?"

"So they will fix this virus on my computer! Anyway, it says service has been
suspended, yada yada..."

"Mom, you gotta pay your bill. It's not a virus. I told you that an hour ago!"

"Yeah, ma'm, I can't help you solve this issue since it's not a virus."

"Fine, thanks for nothing!"

"Thanks for calling, have a great day."

I didn't know if I should be angry, insulted, or just laugh about it.