I have been thinking of this place often, wanting to get back and write
something here, as I do enjoy the simple process of journaling. It's when I
start to overthink writing that I stop myself from actually doing so. Therefore
I will keep it simple for myself. Just write in whatever order thoughts enter
and leave the rest be. It is not important how but what.

UPDATES

I started to seriously think again about my problem with internet
addiction and in the process I picked up a book "Smart phone dumb phone: free
yourself from digital addiction". The book says to use internet normally as you
would during the reading sessions (except not to be distracted when actually
reading). I dediced to binge out and got myself into even worse state than usual
but then as I got really low I felt this revulsion and just stopped altogether
to use my mobile phone for anything else than work or org related stuff and I
also stopped sitting in front of the computer after work. So I spent evenings
and even weekends doing anything else but using mobile or computer (unless for
particular good reasons and then only briefly to get something done).

I feel like new life is coming back to me. Mobiles especially are the devil as
they slowly make your life one-dimensional and you drop activities they were the
boon of your existence before due to "lack" of time, which is funny considering
that you have time for your little, meaningless scrolling. I started to enjoy
more spending time with my little boy, just playing with him, and in the evening
I'd start to read books again or even do some push ups and write with pen and
paper. Take away that devil and suddenly things start to look a little
different. I even just sat on the sofa doing nothing. And when I do work I see a
difference with being more motivated and focused on getting things done.

Of course I am not saying life is now perfect as my brain is fried on many
fronts and I need time to really get back to normal state. I often find myself
doing things quickly without thinking or outsourcing easy stuff to AI because I
cannot be bothered to spend time on something I don't have to. Some intellectual
lazingess has gripped me in certain areas of my life. To compensate for this I
try to do some coding by hand in C and to read in Latin (New Testament) so as to
actually think. I should do other things too like memorize prose and solve math
to require more from my brain again, but I do not have that much time even if I
use none of it for online activities outside of work.

At the same time I also wanted to install HoMM III on linux, moved by nostalgia,
to see if I can feel something from that time. It does sound like contradiction
to speak about removing use of internet and then installing a game. Maybe it is
but the game is offline and I don't really play it outside of office hours (yes,
I play during work when I have to wait for something. I am self-employeed, so I
am free to do as I want). The nostalgia is false illusion really, as I see it.
Those feelings will never come back because I am a different person in different
circumstances of my life. Now I don't feel relaxed by it but feel tensions that
I am wasting time where I could be doing something else that has real meaning,
even if frivolous, like learning LaTex, or practiving shell scripting or
improving my backups, or learning better how memory works, or whatever. The
results in the game do not transfer really into anything. I treat this as a
temporary experiement in nostalgia, although when my boy is older I will want to
play some old school games with him to see how he responds.

I don't feel pressured much at this stage of my life to be this or that. I just
want to do things I believe are true and good. I can also experiment and make
mistakes without feeling bad about it since it is better to try and actually do
something than to sit and thinking only not to ever do anything. So if I want to
experiment with how true nostalgia is then I am free to make that mistake.

There. I enjoyed writing this.