The New Standard Aptitude Test

Instructions: 
      	Read all questions thouroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4
	hours. Begin immediately.

History: 
      	Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present
	day. Concentrate specially but not exclusively on the social, political,
      	economic, religious, philosophical, and sociobiological impact on
	Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Literature: 
      	Compose an epic poem based on the events of your life in which you
	see and footnote allusions from TS Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Norse
      	mythology, and the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full
	discussion of its metrics.

Music: 
      	Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and
	drum. You will find a piano under your seat (no synthesizers!).

Logic: 
      	Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following: that
	the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not
	a little personthat turns off the light in the refrigerator when
	you close the door; that if a tree falls in a forest and no one is
	there to hear it, it doesn't make a noise; and that you are the
	person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be
	specific; show all work. 

Philosophy: 
      	Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance.
	Compare with the development of any other kind of thought (extra credit
      	for comparing and contrast eastern and western philosophers, with
	the exception of Confucious, Locke, Russeau, Rawls, Hobbes, Calvin, and
      	Ayn Rand). 

Medicine: 
      	You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
	bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until
	your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes. 

Biology: 
      	Create life. Est. the differences in human culture if this form of
	life had developed five hundred years earlier, with special attention to
	the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove
	your thesis. Then, watch your life-form evolve, and report on any
	differentiations from Darwinian theory. 

Psychology: 
      	Employing the principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic
	thought, successfullyy subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate
      	personality changes, bill yourself, and fill out all medical
	insurance forms. Now, convince the person seated to your immediate left
	that he/she suffers from an Oedipal/Electra complex. 

Sociology: 
      	Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of
	the world. Show how the boy meets girl theory developed. Contsruct an
      	experiment to test your theory. Prove that it takes more than four
	parents to have a child.

Engineering: 
      	The bag beside your desk contains all of the equipment necessary to
	build either a .50 calibre elephant gun or a winchester .30-30 (do you
      	think that we'd let you cheat off those next to you?). In fifteen
	minutes, a ravenous Bengal tiger will be released into the room.
	Take all appropriate action. 

Economics: 
      	Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace
	the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the
	Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method
	from all points of view. Point out deficiences in your point of
	view as demonstrated in your answer to the Sociology question. 

Computer Science: 
      	Define computer. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a
	generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Solve
	for pi. Solve for e. Find the integral for the equation of the
	'bell curve.' Assuming a 1,133 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each
	to activate your algorithm, design a communications interface and
	all necessary control panels. Convince a Forbes 500 company to
	install your system (the government would also suffice). 

Public Speaking: 
      	2,500 riot-crazed aboriginals are storming the classroom. Calm
	them. You may use any ancient language except Latin and Greek.

Physics: 
      	Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation
	of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
	Disprove the theories of thermodynamics. 

Agricultural Science: 
      	Outline the steps involved in breeding your own superhigh yield,
	all weather strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical
	properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies.
	Construct a model for dealing with world-wide surpluses. Write
	your Nobel Prize acceptance speech. 

Mathematics: 
      	Answer all questions on this test that have a numerical answer in:
	binary, hex, and convert to base pi. Create a mathematical model to
      	describe numeral equations and problems that occur in the 4th
	dimension (NO EUCLID).

Political Science: 
      	There is a red telephone under your seat. Start World War III.
	Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. If
	nuclear weapons are launched, immediately yell out "you sunk my
	battleship," strip, grab the exam of the person to your right, and
	run out of the room, yelling, "Andri, Andri, I've got the secret
	documents!" 

Comprenhension: 
      	Three minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put
	your name in the upper right had corner of this page. Circle the word
      	"name" in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this
	paper. After the title, wrte "yes, yes, yes." Put an "X" in the
	lower left hand corner of this paper, multiply 703 times 668.
	Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think
	you have followed directions carefully to this point, call out "I
	have." Punch three small holes in the top of the paper. If you are
	the first person to get to this point, call out "I am the first
	person to get to this point. I am leading in following
	directions." On the reverse side of this paper, add 8950 and 9850. Put a
      	circle around this answer, and put a square in the circle. Now that
	you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.