6 April 2026 Monday

last night, i opened "All About Love,"
by bell hooks,

which i've had on my bedside bookpile table 
for the past year. i've read most of it, but 
near the end i stalled out. i think it's felt
hard for me to read it, because it resonates
in me so deeply.

i opened the book at random, and read this:

"True love is a different story. When it
happens, individuals usually feel in touch
with each otehr's core identity. Embarking 
on such a relationship is frightening 
precisely because we feel there is no place
to hid. We are known. All the ecstasy that we 
feel emerges as this love nurtures us and 
challenges us to grow and transform. Describing
true love, Eric Buttersworth writes: 'True love
is a peculiar kind of insight through which we 
see the wholeness which the person is--at the 
same time totally acceping the level on which
he now expresses himself--without any delusion
that the potential is a present reality. True
love accepts the person who now is without 
qualifications, but with a sincere and 
unwavering commitment to help him to achieve
his goals of self-unfoldment--which we may
see better than he does.' Most of the time, 
we think that love means just accepting the
other person as they are. Who among us has 
not learned the hard way that we cannot
change someone, mold them and make them into 
the ideal beloved we might want them to be. 
Yet when we commit to true love, we are 
committed to being changed, to being acted 
upon by the beloved in a way that enable us to 
be more fully self-actualized. This commitment
to change is chosen. It happens by mutual
agreement. Again and again in conversations the
most common vision of true love I have heard
shared was one that declared it to be
'unconditional.' True love *is* unconditional,
but to truly flourish it requires an ongoing 
commitment to constructive struggle and change.

The heartbeat of true love is the willingness 
to reflect on one's actions, and to process and
communicate this reflection with the loved one. 
As Welwood puts it: 'Two beings who have a soul
connection want to engage in a full, free-ranging
dialogue and commune with each other as deeply 
as possible.' Honesty and openness is always the
foundation of insightful dialogue. Most of us 
have not been raised in homes where we have seen 
two deeply loving grown folks talking together. 
[...]

As long as we are afraid to risk we cannot know
love. Hence the truism: 'Love is letting go of
fear.'"

i've said to e several times during the last
couple of years, that i'm really grateful for
the ways that he pushes me to work towards
actualizing myself in so many ways, particularly
as an artist. sometimes it's really hard to 
let him teach me, because it's scary--for
instance, when he pushes me to perform live, or
to make my work public when i would rather 
fine tune it for the next two eons. but i have
let him lead me into pushing myself past my 
comfort zone so many times, and as a result, 
i have grown. and i continue to grow. i'm also
very grateful for the ways he offers me 
encouragement, and the way he believes in me,
which helps me to remember to believe in myself.

i've told e, that i feel like he hasn't 
allowed me to offer my teaching to him in the
ways i know i have to offer. it seems to me
that he resists change, and i can see that 
he's scared, and that sometimes that fear 
translates itself into resistance and/or anger.
he has said that he feels his way to stop
yelling, will be to, simply, 'stop.' his way to
develop better ability to manage his emotions in
healthy ways, will be to 'just stop freaking out'--
which will become possible, 'as soon as xyz.'

i try to offer methods/tools/strategies 
that i'm well-versed in, but he says,

"i want to show you that i can do it on my own." 

i can respect that, AND, we've been living together
for three years now.