29 April 2026 Wednesday

i practiced guitar very briefly (12 minutes) last night
after i wrote here. i hadn't practiced since last week
before i got sick, and i felt very low energy, but i 
told myself "just touch the guitar. just a few chords.
just a few notes." i realize more and more as i get 
older (and older), the way i work is i need momentum. 
when i let it go, it's very hard for me to regain it.
if i can keep the ball rolling, i'll follow it along.

i guess that's building habit. of course this reminds
me of meditation practice. i sat every day for six months,
or eight? and then i skipped one. and two. and...now it's
been a few years since i sat for formal meditation practice.
which i feel terrible saying. i should say it, so i will 
do something about it. my mat is upstairs, waiting. 

i didn't want to write here tonight, either. not that i
didn't want to. i'm just tired. 

i just practiced guitar for fourty-some minutes. and my 
left index finger, which i slammed in a door in february
and have been trying to allow to heal since, feels only a
little bit warm. i feel the stretch and the effort, maybe
the beginning of a bit of mild inflammation. but no sharp 
pains. this is great progress! i've been so worried. 

e should be home sometime soon. it's 11:05 pm here. it 
was a thickly rainy day. when i came home from work, i 
re-arranged the big desk to try to make it a nicer studio
setup for e and i to share. synths and monitor and laptops
and midi controllers etc. i watered the plants, and i 
went upstairs to make the bed. when i pulled the blankets
away, there was a large wet spot at the foot of the bed, on
my side. directly above it, a water-damaged spot in the 
ceiling. the spot has been there since before i moved here
with e. (he had the house before, but only lived here 
sporadically.) in the attic there's a big plastic tub he
set up there. in the roof, there are pinholes where the 
rain leaks through in several places. but this is the 
worst. since i moved in three and a half years ago, there
hasn't been a leak this bad i think. or maybe there was,
and i didn't notice, because we only recently made this 
room the bedroom. it used to be his workshop room. so, he
has said for a long time he will fix it. i could and should
have done something more at this point, myself. 

as long as the ceiling doesn't fall in on us, i'll be happy.
when we first moved in here, from our six or so months in 
brooklyn together, we arrived to a huge piece of ceiling 
fallen in, right on the dinner table. there had been a 
leak somewhere in the bathroom. 

it's really a nice house. it's so important to take care
of places you care about. it can be so hard to keep true
perspective on priorities, when so much of life is given
over to working for wages. or maybe it's just more of the
better habit building that i need to do.

oh, and i've been passing practice exams for the amateur 
radio technician license! last two were 33 out of 35 
questions! i've been practicing just a few minutes every
day or other day.