26 Mar 2026 Thursday

something is wrong with my sdf.org email. i 
sent myself emails to test, as i hadn't received
any email at all in the nine months or so i was 
inactive. nothing came through. 

i dug around and figured out maybe it was my
nospam, so i turned that off. that did allow me
to get email, but now some show up in pine but 
not elm, or pine and elm but not mailx. when i
look in my directory i have several mailboxes
with different file names. i'm guessing they're
for the different programs, but maybe that's 
what's messing things up? 
 
i tried to use maint command to see if there 
are email settings i can change, bubt it's not
letting me log in with my password. i will 
keep researching. i hope nobody ever read my log
here and tried to email me, and thought i just
didn't answer! i know it's not super-likely 
anybody did, but it's sad to think i'd never
know if they had.

also, my gopher and gemini are not showing up 
as recently active on the sdf.org pages. i tried
running mkgopher -p and also the other permissions
fix command which i've already forgotten (i just
started learning all this last spring, and am 
re-learning now as i find my way back in). 
someone on the bboard mentioned having a similar
problem some time back, and they made a new 
index.gmi file which fixed it for gemini, so if
this isn't showing up after i post it, i'll try 
that. 

as far as my day, today is my mother's birthday. 
i called her for the first time in many months. 
i've texted her, but i usually don't let myself go 
anywhere near that long without calling her. i've 
been having a hard time processing an interaction 
we had that hit me really hard (and continues to 
affect me in some pretty big ongoing practical 
ways). i felt that taking some unspoken space
was better than risking lashing out while i was
still feeling raw.
 
i used to try to have big talks with her about  
various hurts, try to communicate my experience
to her with a deep longing for a closer understanding
between us. as i've gotten older, i've moved to 
working on acceptance and grace. in the long run,
it's more important to me for her to be happy at
her age, than to try to wring water from a stone.
if i'm more capable of change (in at least certain
capacities) than she is, then i feel it's my 
responsibility to try to practice compassion.   
 
forgiveness has been a central tenet for me,
since i was young. i feel it's saved me in some 
ways.
 
it's not always easy, though.
 
a storm is falling upon us here now. it came
suddenly. bright white flashes in the night-
black windows, crinkling waves of thunder,
sloshing whips and patters of rain.